Jeff Gordon

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Please note: the following was written by inbred hillbillies and should not be taken seriously. Doing so will cause sister/cousin rape.

“One time back in '83 we fought, and Gordon almost won, but I hit that bitch with a beer bottle and got my car keys back. I ended up wrecking into a tree.”

~ Dakota Fanning on Jeff Gordon

Jeffery Michael "Jeff" Gordon (born August 4, 1971) is a professional NASCAR driver. As far many racecar drivers go, Gordon is one of assiest asses on the face of an ass. His most famous ass was surgically removing an ass from an electric asser. On Halloween, he does his part to fight ass obesity. He puts ass blades in apples, instead of regular asses. He has also been known to have guest asses in the TV show, Ass-Team as the driver of Mr. Ass's van. Although Mr. Ass says that nobody but little richard can drive the van, he secretly admires Jeff Gordon's ass because Jeff Gordon is the only person who has an ass.

Early life[edit]

Jeff Gordon, illegitimate child of Gordon Lightfoot, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Hulk Hogan,[1] was the inventor of Communism in the small country of Theory, which is famous for the phrase, "In Theory, Communism works". He is also the inventor of autopilot and the ham sandwich. Finally, Jeff was put up for adoption in a South American country, but because celebrities only adopt children from Africa, he was destined to grow up in the care of his two foster parents, Fozzie Bear and Pope Gregory the Great.

Jeff Gordon

Later in life, Jeff Gordon joined the Armed Forces of the Star Wars universe, forming a crack team with Jewbacca and R2D2. Because of this crack team, the filming of Star Wars V: The Emperor Smokes Crack, went faster than scheduled although the Emperor, played by Dan Quayle died of a drug overdose during the second week of filming. The replacement, Hugo Chavez, was much better and only died after the 15th week. This is why the Emperor is only seen during the first part of the movie. Although crack is highly addictive, Jeff Gordon maintains that he has always been literate and has no need for a Mexican literary movement.

After the Star Wars gig washed out, Jeff Gordon cut of all sexual relations with C-3PO (the only know homosexual android) and decided to try and set a new record of longest living homosexual man in the South. Because homosexuals are feared by the species Freddius Phelpius, who used to live in the South before moving to Romania last week, Jeff was forced to find a way to outrun the Southerners. He turned to NASCAR.

Mid-Life Crisis[edit]

At age 1252, Jeff was starting to get bored with NASCAR. After all, he had driven over 10,000,000,000 miles yet gotten nowhere. He therefore ventured off into The Forest That Nobody Cares About to search for Spock, a SCUBA diver from the planet Mercury. In order to get to Spock safely, he first had to call on the Goa'uld to help him turn in to an elf-king. After much debate he decided, along with the help of Wang Chung, that he would be called Erlkonig from the German erl, meaning elf and konig meaning king. Jeff Gordon then went and defeated the level 12 Dragon that spawned from some Dungeon Master's twisted D&D game and became Hera, goddess of fertility. He then found Spock who told him to accept his homosexuality. Because of this, Jeff then began to have sexual relations with:

He had a "thing" for morons who could be kinky


Jeff Gordon and NASCAR[edit]

By the age of 154, he was really into homosexuality when one day, while exploring the underworld with his party of adventurers George W. Bush, Frodo, and Kim Jong Il, he was hit by Snidley Whiplash, driving the Streetcar Named Desire. This reversed his homosexuality, making him an 8 foot penis that sodomized Tom Cruise.

The Gordon Salute[edit]

Whenever Jeff Gordon wins a race, the fans salute his victory by throwing garbage at him and his car.

Cars of NASCAR[edit]

Thanks to many innovations put forward by James Bond, Jeff Gordon was able to modify his car not only to go fast, but also to lay out spike strips and use missile launchers on the track. After a couple of years, many more drivers started to incorporate changes to their cars in order to make them faster and more competitive.

NASCAR car after running over a spike strip and hitting a landmine laid by other cars. This is the car of Ryan Newman.

One driver even had an invisible car that placed first in every race but was disqualified due to the violation of the Uncertainty Principle. By the time all the cars had been upgraded sufficiently, the racing was going well. Dale Earnhardt Sr., however, ended that era of automotive history. He was killed in a giant fireball of death when a missile malfunction melted his flux capacitor. Thus ended a great segment of history and can now only be enjoyed by placing the historically accurate game Goldeneye 007, available for the Nintendo 64. There is no such thing as an historically accurate NASCAR game.

Jeff Gordon and Religon[edit]

At age 4935, he used time travel to go back to free the Israelites from Muhammad Ali. Luckily, Obi-wan Kenobi taught him how to drive really fast. Today, the Israelites are still fleeing America, but sadly, they only know how to turn left and drive really fast. A common misconception is that Hitler freed the Israelites, but he only really saved the kittens.

Political Groups[edit]

Main Political Groups[edit]

Jeff Gordon has been involved in many political groups, including the KKK, The National Socialist German Workers Party (NAZI), and the Jeff Gordon Foundation for anal sex. Jeff Gordon was in the KKK for over 300 years, although it wasn't until late in his membership that he became the ring leader of the White Knights of The Klu Klux Klan. He became leader by killing the previous leader, Mohammed Ali, and his sidekick, a gay jewish black man named bubba. In 1933 Jeff left the KKK and headed for Germany where he joined his good friends Adolf Hitler and Colonel Klink to help create the Third Reich. Jeff, in his usual way left the Nazi party in 1945 when the going got tough.

Jeff Gordon's new political group is the Jeff Gordon Foundation, better known as the Green Party of Canada. It is a group of extremists who believe in world domination and legalizing indecent exposure. The JGF is currently building up a military strength, with help from corporate sponsor DuPont to fight in the upcoming corporate wars.

Other, Secondary, Political Groups[edit]


His relationship with Wisconsin's Dick Trickle is highly documented: he has taken a leaf from his book and now regularly dick-trickles before races. There are auctions after races, where Rednecks can bid to be the person who makes his dick trickle before the next race. If Gordon makes 1 trillion dollars, he makes a live broadcast of him licking his wife Ingrid's tits with whipped cream on it.


In 2000, Jeff Gordon was beheaded by Kurgan from the movie Highlander. A member of an elitist organization of immortals. It is headed by Humphrey Bogart and Carlos the Robot. He is white on the outside, but Hispanic on the inside. The "Jeff Gordon" that you see today, is actually Walt Disney.

Carlos doesn't go hunting, hunting implies failure. Carlos goes killing.


Jeff Gordon's liver (you try and fit this sucker into a jar)

After Jeff Gordon's death, he was mummified by a Russian fascist named Attila the Hun. He, along with Sandra Bullock, caused Jeff Gordon to enter the afterlife with his organs preserved. [2] This, however, is when his career took off. He was a starter for the Denver Broncos, playing Power Forward; he won the hotdog eating contest against Clint Eastwood; and he built a better mousetrap using a chewing gum wrapper, a melon baller, a plastic flower, and the insoles from his paintbrush.

Many people think this is the reason why Jeff Gordon was MacGyver's apprentice. This is bullshit. MacGyver is Jeff Gordon's apprentice. In Soviet Russia, Jeff Gordon apprentices MacGyver!!


  1. He was known as "the king of invariant theory". His most famous result is that the ring of invariants of binary quadratic forms is finitely generated. He and Adolf Hitler collaborated to introduce Clebsch-Gordon coefficients and Nazism. Gordon also served as the thesis advisor for the KKK and the Italian Mob.
  2. This is quite the feat because of the vast size of his liver and other organs.