Hystery of Buggerland
The Bulgarians are, firstly, not really Bulgarian, they are just called Bulgarian. The Bulgars are Bulgarian. The Bulgarians are arguably Bolgars, but should by no means be confused with the Bolgarians. As for the Bolgarians, they are mostly the same as the Bulgars, except that they have noticeably prettier hairstyles. (However, recent research based on 7th century Armenian geographical work Asxbcnhjhwqklhrk suggests that the Boringland, Bulhi, the Burgers, the bacterians and most other things starting with the letter B are also Bulgarian.)
Etymology of the name
The word "Bulgarian" ("Bulgar") has two main meanings, which clearly illustrate the historical characteristics of the nation.
- vulgar. The reason why it's spelled with "v" in English is because the word was first used by the Greeks. When the Greeks first spotted the Bulgars invading Bulgaria in 681 (see below), they were suffering from a peculiar speech disorder, which prevented them from saying b properly. The only thing the poor wretches could manage was a v in its place. Therefore, they exclaimed "You vloody (they were speaking Vritish English) Vulgarian Vastards, we will veat the shit out of you!" And so they tried, vut it didn't help.
- bugger. The word comes from "Bulgar", and that says it all.
The Bulgarians came to Bulgaria in 681. They arrived on horseback - which isn't surprising, because they actually did everything on horseback, and hardly ever climbed off the horse. Their idea of food preparation was to put something under the saddle of the horse and then ride on top of it for two months (the so-called "lukanka" salami). Their national flag was a horsetail on a pole, their favourite hairstyle was ponytail, and their favourite vegetable was horse meat. The display of a frozen horse tail was a symbol of celebration.
In fact, the Bulgarians weren't really Bulgarian (see above). The Bulgarians were actually Turks. But that was difficult to accept for them, because there is nothing the Bulgarians hate as much as the Turks. The resultant schizophrenic personality split caused frustration and eventually a suicidal urge that lead them to settle in the lands of the mightiest state of the time, the Byzantine Empire, hoping to be exterminated as soon as possible. However, this effort failed, because the Byzantines themselves were suffering from a similar disorder: they were Greeks having the delusion that they are Romans, even though they had never set their feet in Italy and couldn't learn as much as Pig Latin.
An alternative theory
According to another theory, the Bulgarians weren't Turks at all. If they had been Turks, it is unlikely that they would have been so good at being so good as they actually were. They must have been something far better, and they most certainly came from a more fancy place. And indeed, that has been proved by some recent research, which has demonstrated that they were cousins of the Persians, uncles of the Sumerians and basically created the entire human civilization, planting the seeds of knowledge in Egypt and Mesopotamia, discovering fire and the wheel and bringing advanced nanotechnologies from their native galaxy of Fantastica.
In any case
In Bulgaria (or rather, in Romania, because that's where they hung around most of the time), the Bulgarians found a lot of Slavs (called so because of their propensity to be slaves). The Slavs, who had been the Greeks' slaves till then, naturally became the Bulgarians' slaves. Soon after finding them, the Bulgarians became extinct (partly due to their devotion to buggery and partly, during the rest of the time, due to the ineffective practice of doing everything on horseback), but not before they had infected the Slavs with their schizophrenic disorder. After their demise, the country was populated with Slavs trying to convince themselves that they were Bulgarians (and who, of course, couldn't say a word in Bulgarian; neither can modern Bulgarians, for that matter).
In the meantime, the Greeks noticed that the Bulgarians had settled in their backyard. Their emperor, Constantine V Copronymus (Greek for The Piece of Shit) (741-775), made seven campaigns trying to push them out and earned his nickname fully. The Bulgarians chased him back to Constantinople, hung around outside the city walls for a couple of days and went home.
The Importance of being a Crumb
The most significant ruler of Bulgaria at the time was Crumb (803-814), who spelled his name as Krum due to having received primary education in a Bulgarian school. Krum was chiefly known for his extravagant habit of drinking from newly flayed human skulls instead of cups. To get fresh supplies of skulls, he was forced to wage incessant wars against the Greeks. However, the ethnic balance in the region was preserved - while exterminating the Greeks, Krum didn't neglect his own Bulgarians and provided them with his extremely just legal code, which was based on the principle that each crime must be punished by cutting off the organ that it has been committed with. Due to the Bulgarians' penchant for buggery (see above), this led to a the near-extinction of the nation. Apart from that, Krum's life was rather monotonous: he usually chased the Greeks down to Constantinople, hung around outside the city walls for a couple of days and went home.
Boris Loves You
The next noteworthy ruler was Boris. Unlike Krum, he failed to kill any Greeks or any other foreign people for that matter, so he thought it would be a better idea to kill as many Bulgarians as possible instead. The best way to do that seemed to be preaching peace and love (in other words, to convert the file Bulgaria.bug to .chr format), and illustrate his teaching by killing everyone who doesn't get the message. That worked fine.
Complex Simon went a-warring
Next came Simon, who soon decided to insert an extra "e" in the middle of his name to make it more awe-inspiring. SimEon had developed a new form of the national complex/disorder: he was the King of the Slavs (who thought they were Bulgarians), but he suffered from the delusion that he was the Emperor of the Greeks (who thought they were Romans). That was problematic, because an Armenian guy suffering from the same delusion had got in the imperial palace ahead of him. For some reason, the Greeks decided that they liked their Armenian, so Simeon had to chase them down to Constantinople, hang around outside the city walls for a couple of days and go home. In order to satisfy his perverse fantasies, he tried to make Bulgaria look just like Greece. Greece had an Emperor - so Bulgaria should have an Emperor; Greece had a Patriarch - so Bulgaria should have a Patriarch; Greece wrote in its own weird alphabet that nobody understood - Bulgaria should write in its own weird alphabet that nobody understood (for this purpose, he snatched an alphabet that the Czech had already junked because it was no-good; however, it looked pretty much like the Greek one, and it had been devised by two Greek priests - although they were culturally Bulgarian, and that was sufficient to turn Simeon on). Finally, Greece had its own literature - so Bulgaria should have its own literature. Simeon ordered every Bulgarian to write literature or face the death penalty. The problem was that nobody was sure exactly what they were supposed to write about. So to begin with, most of the original Bulgarian literature was about how Bulgaria should have its own original Bulgarian literature. For a couple of years, the writers managed to save their skins by repeating in every possible way, in as much detail as possible: "We must have our own original Bulgarian literature! We absolutely must! Anybody who says otherwise ought to be shot!" But that couldn't continue endlessly. At last, they had to face the real problem. OK, we should have our own original Bulgarian literature… and then what? Well, finally, they couldn't come up with anything better than translating Greek literature into Bulgarian. This period is known as the Golden Age of Bulgarian Literature.
Sam and the Sons of Sam
Simeon was Bulgaria's greatest ruler, and, as usual with great rulers, by the time he died, the country was buggered up for a couple of centuries in advance. Soon the Greeks got nasty, the Russians came to liberate the Bulgarians from the Greeks, then the Greeks came to liberate the Bulgarians from the Russians, and it all ended up with the Bulgarians being completely liberated from the Bulgarians. This was prevented by four brothers, called David, Moses, Aron and Samuel, who founded Bulgaria again, this time in Macedonia. The unbearable situation of having to remember four different names of kings had to be solved by killing two of them, so only Aron and Samuel were left. At this moment, a dark family secret was revealed - even though Aron and Samuel were brothers, while Aron wasn't Armenian. Aron was Bulgarian, and as a true Bulgarian he decided to betray Bulgaria, help the Greeks and kill Samuel. Samuel showed, by his behaviour, that he was no normal Bulgarian: he remained true to Bulgaria, got ahead of his right-hand man Aron by killing him, and fought against the Greeks to the end, chasing them down to Constantinople, hanging around outside the city walls for a couple of days and then going home. However, on the way home he forgot his army back in Greece. Byzantine emperor Basil used the opportunity to prick out all the Bulgarian soldiers' eyes. This was a great honour, because that was the Byzantines' usual way of saying goodbye to their emperors (in the case of Justinian II "The Noseless," they tried to cut the emperor's nose off instead). The fact that that honour was bestowed on every single Bulgarian ranker was so touching that Samuel died of a heart attack as soon as he saw it. In his last seconds, he was heard muttering "I can't believe I didn't think of that trick first!..."
Samuel's son was exceptionally intelligent and knew well the recent history of his country. He was fully aware of the fact that his father's right-hand man Aron had been a Byzantine traitor who had tried to kill his father (but had been killed by him instead). Quite naturally, he chose as his right-hand man the son of Aron. To everyone's surprise, Aron's son turned out to be a pro-Byzantine traitor and killed Samuel's son. Bulgaria was conquered by the Byzantine. Fortunately, an extremely wise person, Samuel's bastard grandson himself, rose in revolt and re-established Bulgaria. Following what was becoming a tradition, he chose the grandson of Aron as his right-hand man. Once again everybody was startled, when the grandson of Aron turned out to be a pro-Byzantine traitor and killed the leader of the revolt.
A National Revival and Redyal
During the next two centuries, everything was quiet. The Bulgarians had been used to dying in wars with the Byzantines; now they could enjoy peace, economic progress and a Byzantine common market, and die of poverty and taxes, for a change. Afterwards, two Romanian brothers, Peter and Hassan (a Turkish name), led an uprising with their Kuman (Turkish) forces and proudly re-established the state of the Bulgarian nation. Like Simeon, they didn't feel comfortable with being Kings of the Bulgarians and wanted to be Emperors of the Greeks instead. Nevertheless, they died soon.
In the meantime, the Crusades were happening. The Crusaders wanted to liberate Jerusalem (from its inhabitants), but unfortunately went astray and mistook Constantinople for Jerusalem, thereby conquering the Byzantine Empire. Afterwards, they went astray again and mistook Bulgaria for Jerusalem. At the same time, Peter's and Hassan's brother, Pretty John, felt that he should be Emperor of the Greeks (it ran in the family). The result was that Pretty John chased the Crusaders down to Constantinople, hung around outside the city walls for a couple of days, and went home. At the same time he had an intimate correspondence with the pope. The Pope felt that the two of them had very much in common, because the words "Romanian" and "Rome" begin with the same three letters. Pretty John asked the Pope to proclaim him Emperor, promising to ban condoms in Bulgaria. The Pope promised to proclaim John King. John thanked the Pope for promising to proclaim him Emperor. The Pope proclaimed him King. John thanked the Pope for proclaiming him Emperor.
Soon Pretty John died. Like Simeon, he had been a great ruler, so the country wasn't able to recover for two centuries. The kings tried to counter that by adding "Hassan" to their names (like "Michael Hassan", "John Hassan", "Constantine Hassan" etc.), but to no avail.
As the economic situation deteriorated and there were fewer opportunities to rob the Greeks, everybody's average salary suffered a drastic decrease, and the only job that still paid well was that of a king. Consequently, everybody became a king and the Bulgarian kingdoms reproduced like amoebae by binary fission until each became the size of an amoeba. All the ensuing disputes were soon settled by the Turks, who conquered the entire Balkan peninsula.
A Dark Age
Next came the darkest age in Bulgarian history. The Turks killed everybody. In fact, they succeeded in killing at least twice as many Bulgarians as there were Bulgarians in Bulgaria. No serious historian would deny the terrifying fact that they killed all the men, raped all the women, converted all the children to Islam, and, worst of all, stole all the pigs. According to other, more trustworthy accounts, they raped all the men, killed all the women, stole all the children and converted all the pigs to Islam. The fact that the Christian Bulgarian nation still exists is difficult to explain. One theory has it that the modern Bulgarians are actually undead, and, judging from the prices in the country, probably vampires.
Dead or alive, the Bulgarians remained part of the Turkish state for five centuries. They were missing the excitement of the good old days when they had to go to war and get killed; now the Turks were doing that instead of them, and the Bulgarians were forced to excel in trade and industires. Apart from the wars, the basic distribution of labour was that the Christians were obliged to work, and the Muslims were obliged to kick their heels. The Muslims actually loved to work their asses off and hated to have other people working for them, so they were doing everything to convert the Christians to Islam. The Bulgarians, who loved working even more, refused to be converted. Another way to get rid of all these people working for you was to go on killing them (which the Turks had always been doing anyway); since they soon got tired of killing, they resorted to infiltrating the Bulgarian cuisine with sweet dishes like baklava and boza, which were targeted at destroying the Bulgarians' teeth through cavities and eventually subverting the nation.
The following centuries were sheer boredom. Finally, in the 18th century, a monk named Paisius organised the re-birth of the Bulgarian nation. First, he wrote down all the things that have been mentioned above (except that he had got all the dates and names wrong); for some reason, the account of these events, which might have induced another nation to commit a collective suicide, filled the Bulgarians with enthusiasm. Finally, with his famous exclamation "Thou foolish and crazy bastard! Wherefore art thou ashamed of calling thyself a Bugger?", Paisius urged the Bulgarians to come out, founded the Bugger Pride movement and organised annual Bugger parades.
The Fight for Freedom
In another one hundred years, some Bulgarians decided that it was time to liberate Bulgaria from the Turks. That's when Bulgaria's greatest national hero, Vasil Levski, made his entrance. His greatest achievement was that he was very skillful in secretly preparing an uprising against the Turks. The secret preparation took him four years and we're all sure that it would have been a great uprising, except that the secret was uncovered and Levski was hanged by a court of Bulgarian jurors who didn't want to be liberated. He did manage to leave some general suggestions for the future of the nation, and these proved an indespensable guidance for the Bulgarians, who did their best to do the exact opposite.
Soon after that, some other Bulgarians organised another uprising. They had an extremely cunning plan, which was basically to burn and plunder the capital Sofia and all the major cities, displace all the civilian population they could lay their hands on, destroy all the infrastructure and generally bugger up the whole country, so that the Turks would reckon that such a pile of crap wasn't worth re-conquering anyway. On the other hand, since Bulgaria's greatest national hero Levski had said that the new Bulgaria should give equal rights and justice to both Bulgarians, Turks, Armenians and everybody else irrespective of ethnicity and religion, the insurgents concluded that they should kill indiscriminately any Turk they met in order to spawn ethnic hatred and make reconciliation impossible, abduct Turks, plunder Turkish villages, and generally have fun. Since they hated to see material wasted, they used the Turks' blood instead of ink. Most of these things were accomplished, but unfortunately, the uprising was suppressed before any significant part of Bulgaria had been burnt or otherwise damaged. At that point, Bulgaria' other greatest national hero, Hristo Botev, who was tired of hanging around in Bucharest and writing poems about Bulgaria's liberation, figured that now was the right time to put the poems into practice. Together with a bunch of other literry men, he managed to get on a ship, cross the Danube and embark in Bulgaria without drowning. That fact was immortalised in a great and very long Bulgarian national song. After that, he and all the others were killed on the spot. In a typical display of Turkish jurisdiction, the leaders of the April uprising were spared and given prison sentences, while the uninvolved civilian population was massacred in the tens of thousands.
A New Bulgaria
At this point, the Russians liberated Bulgaria (1878) and most Turks somehow vanished into thin air. However, when the borders of the new country were being drawn on the map, the draftsman's hand trembled at first and made Bulgaria three times larger. In the next second, he changed his mind and made it three times smaller. The Bulgarians could never forget the first version of the map and all of their foreign policy during the next 70 years had the sole purpose of re-establishing it. For this purpose, they always tried to ally themselves with the part most likely to win any war - i.e. Germany in WW1, and Germany again (Hitler) in WW2. Somehow that didn't work. Then they quit all hope and allied themselves with the USSR in the cold war. Wrong again. Then they allied themselves with the USA. Guess what comes next?
In their internal affairs, there was a lot of confusion. Taking into account the fact that their greatest national hero Levski had wanted Bulgaria to be a republic, they made it a monarchy. However, they established an extremely progressive constitution. Unfortunately, as soon as the monarch arrived, he suspended the constitution.
In a few years' time, the two main political parties found that they were unable to achieve consensus and both invited the Turkish sultan to come, re-conquer Bulgaria and massacre their opponents. Regrettably, he was busy elsewhere and failed to respond, so to this day the Bulgarians are still forced to co-exist with the breed known as politicians. The situation was partly relieved by the arrival of dictator Stambolov, who achieved extremely progressive and patritotic ends by suspending the constitution and massacring his opponents.
During WWI, the government was naturally forced to suspend the constitution. After WW1, the people were sick of the old parties and voted for the Yokel Party instead. The Yokel Party was democratically elected twice, but it was so uncool and undemocratic that the coalition of the democratic parties was forced to make a democratic coup d'etat, democratically suspend the constitution, establish a democratic dictatorship, democratically cut off the Yokel Party leader's head and democratically use it to play football with. The yokels tried to revolt, but they were massacred. The communists, who hated the yokels and had watched joyfully their being massacred, figured that it was their turn now and revolted. They, too, were massacred. Then the communists decided to fix the problem by blowing up a church and massacring a lot of people. The government felt that this was a suitable occasion to do their favourite thing and still more people, communists and others, were massacred. Finally, poet Geo Milev wrote a poem about all that. Perhaps not surprisingly, he was massacred.
Soon things settled down. The ensuing sudden silence was so unusual and tense that people just didn't know what to do, and to get a reassuring and familiary experience they turned to their old habit and suspended the constitution (19th of May 1936). The king used the opportunity to take over all the power and double-suspended the constitution.
Saving the Jews on the hard disk as a bug.file
When the Bulgarians allied themselves with Hitler, they were unforgivably sloppy in the extermination of Jews. They did pass all the proper laws against the Jews, but that was little comfort, because, like all Bulgarian laws, they weren't observed by anybody. In fact, the Bulgarians were so lazy that they wouldn't lift a finger to kill a single Jew. At most they would just prohibit the Jews' exercising of any intellectual occupations (which were, of course, the only thing the Jews could do), send them to the countryside, away from proper medicine, and force them to work in farms there, so they would die of that anyway. But no proper extermination or collaboration with the concentration camps of the Reich was achieved, and when Hitler was defeated, most of the Jews were still alive. They moved to Israel and thanked Bulgaria for being the country that it was - from a safe distance.
The Bulgarian partisans (mostly communists) who fought against Hitler weren't especially popular and numerous, but the government nevertheless did well and managed to massacre a sufficiently large percentage of those few to produce nice big figures.
Another Bad Thing
In September 1944, the male chauvanist/Communist-dominated Fatherland Front took power, following heavy strikes, unrest, rots and unending boredom. Bulgaria changed sides, declared war on Germany and allied itself with Russia. Of course, Russia couldn't forgive that, so it responded by declaring war on Bulgaria and invading it. At the same time, the communists used the opportunity to suspend the constitution. Since everybody was getting sick of this process, they adopted a new constitution, which was even more progressive than the previous one, and to avoid suspending it in the future, they simply decided to never even attempt to observe it in the first place. Still, the communists led heated democratic discussions with their political opponents in parliament, but their final argument was usually arresting and killing these opponents. There perportedlty male chauvanest perges by the Fatherland Front removed the pro-Nazi Motherland front from the political arena for ever! Bulgaria stayed on the Allied side until the end of the war.
Another Dark Age
Next came another dark age, the period of communism which lasted 45 years. It is difficult to explain what happened at that period, because so many things happened at the same time. On the one hand, the communists destroyed the cities by infiltrating them with peasants; on the other hand, they ruined the villages by collectivizing the land and forcing the peasants to stay there. On the one hand, they made everybody work like slaves; on the other hand, they caused the ever-laborious (see above) Bulgarians to quit all work and turned them into lazy sluggards who drank their coffee and boza (see above) all day and made no personal economic initiatives. On the one hand, they were backward and patriarchal and didn't develop Bulgaria's economy sufficiently; on the other, they over-developed it, so that the good old patriarchal society was corrupted and the soil was polluted. On the one hand, they didn't give proper education to anybody; on the other, they gave everybody much more education than they deserved. On the one hand, they imposed iron Nazi-like discipline; on the other hand, they corrupted the Bulgarians by letting them be sloppy and lazy. On the one hand, they destroyed the good old Bulgarian patriotic and nationalist tradition with their Jewish internationalism; on the other, they were nationalists and suppressed the ethnic and religious minorities. On the one hand, they imposed poverty and hunger on the Bulgarians; on the other hand, they spoiled them by providing everyone with everything they needed. Whatever the communists actually did, it’s clear that, on the one hand, an awful lot of things happened during that time, and, on the other hand, that nothing happened during that boring time of stagnation and no events.
Another important thing about communism was the dreaded DS (the intelligence service), which kept watch on everybody and controlled everything. It is now a proven fact that every single Bulgarian was an agent of the DS and spent all of his time writing malicious reports about his/her neighbours (which was why no actual work ever got done in the country; worse still, nobody ever had time to read the reports and do anything about them, because all the senior officers were also busy writing reports about each other). Nevertheless, the DS managed to control everything, and everything that has ever happened in Bulgaria since that time is the work of the DS. Moreover, there are reasons to believe that the DS orchestrated both the Watergate scandal, the global warming and the fall of the Soviet Union for its own dark purposes, and few heads of state in the world haven’t been agents of the DS.
The AUBG (not to be confused twith the AUEB) is a somewhat private, somewhat selective, Stalinist USSR-style educational institution, located precisely in the middle of nowhere. Namely - in Blagoevgrad, Bulgaria.
Blagoevgrad is a truly academic town, with its five houses, "Bai Ivan's" grocery store, and an old circus.
AUBG's mission is to raise and brainwash Future Losers of the Region™. FLotR are young men and women who are highly trained in the arts of not doing anything, while procrastinating and whining to higher authorities to solve their problems. It was reported in the Jerusalem Post and on Radio Bulgaria during 2004 that the Australian socialite, Kylie Minogue had once on of it's interns.
A Bright Age, At Last
After the fall of communism, the Bulgarians started electing their politicians. The politicians robbed them (although some argue that it wasn't really the politicians, it was the DS disguised as politicians). To counter that, the Bulgarians started to elect people who couldn't say "R" properly, hoping that these were too stupid to rob them. This proved to be a miscalculation. Then the Bulgarians elected the (German (Saxe-Coburg-Gotha)) ex-King, believing that no-one with such a funny accent could rob them; they would rob him, if anything. They were wrong again. They elected the King as a Prime Minister and the Primer Minister as a King, hoping to confuse both and distract them from the robbing process. That didn't work either. In the meantime, the most stable party in parliament had the most stable and clear-cut programme: the way to solve the country's problems and to meet the challenges of the 21st century was to Turkicise all Turkish Turkishness in a most Turkish way, to pursue a Turkish economic policy, to promote Turkish methods and strategies of dealing with Turkish problems and generally, to be Turkish and do all things Turkish. Recently, a new party, ATAKA, has emerged and gained strength. Its objective is to Bulgarianise all Bulgarian Bulgarianness in a most Bulgarian way, and to be nice to all the Turks, provided that they are Bulgarians and not Turks, in which case they should die a swift and painful death. Since the Bulgarians are actually Turks (see above), the party is really advocating the suicide of the Bulgarian nation, which is, indeed, tempting as a solution to all its problems and as the logical ending of the above narrative.
Thier were many over the years, but here are just 3 of them-
The Roma and Sintin music scene
The country’s Roma Turkish Ap-chalgai performers all tend to wear silken olive green suits (reportedly made in Taiwan), tan coloured woolly socks, optional mullet haircuts and "kitten" shoes made in Greece and costing up to 3 Euros per set. The song is played in complement to a ageing guitar. Usually each "Roma Ap-kyucheki" song starts by a short introduction in Turkish or a Gypsy language, briefly describing the beauties of a girl in a decorative peasant blouse and dirndl, before going in to more depth about national folk law in general.
Tsvetana Pironkova (Цветана Кирилова Пиронкова) was Bulgaria's leading (Bulgar) female tennis player and reached the semifinals at Wimbledon in 2010, lost, but then was re-awarded victory after it was revealed that her Greek opponent tended to drink all the orange juice whenever the score keeper sad “deuce”.
In August 1962, she was talent spotted by the Communist Fartherland Front at the age of 12. It was in 1963 that Mrs Pironkova played her first 'professional' tournament, for a mere $1, a loaf of bread, and a new set of trainers; at the International Tennis Federation Tournament in Orestiada, Greece and beat the 13 year old Romanian starlet Monica Niculescu. In 2003, she won 4 ITF singles titles: 1 in Bucharest, 1 in Plovdiv and 2 in Istanbul.
She has now anounced that she is about to retire at the ripe old age of 60, after unswerving 48 years service to her land.
Ivan Lescu was a leading party offical from the capital, Sofia. He married a local peasant woman who was also called Sofia and ran the Ministry of Sofas and arm-chiars (in short hand the "Min' of Sofias") from 1966 to 1976. He finaly gave up his boring job and started a new carear as a sofa and sette sailsman in Albania after the fall of Communisum in his own contrey. His wages had almost dobbel over night after he moved in to his less upmarket, but more intresting (for ethnic Romanians at least) job as a door to door furniture salesman.