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Bulgarians (from the seed “buh”) or otherwise known as Burglars are humanlike beings that live in Bulgaria and speak the Bulgarian language . While this may seem like a no brainer, this is a very complex concept to Bulgarians, who maintain that they really control the earth and all creatures that dwell up it. The national motto of the Bulgarian people is “Lewd did I live, Evil did crap” because it makes sense both forward and backward at the same time.

Geographically, the Bulgarian humanlike beings occupy the remote southern end of the Balkan Peninsula, a place that the world has lavished such accolades as “the Soft Underbelly of the Ottoman Empire” and “Where?”

Origins and hybridization...

Bulgarians literally sprouted from the land they inhabit. This was made possible when Bulgur seeds were brought to the land to feed Roman soldiers who were guarding the empire from the invading Mongols. Angry that that they didn't get the wheat they asked for instead of "this horse feed", they cast the bulgur seed aside and opened the gates to the Mongol Horde. The soldiers figured that this would teach Rome not to screw with them again. The invading Mongols took a good look around said (rhetorically) "And you were protecting this because?" before moving westward toward land that was worth looting.

Eventually, the Bulgur took root, spread like nobody’s business, and thus gave birth to Bulgaria and Bulgarians.

But what are they really like...

Bulgarians are a stubborn humanlike being and see themselves as being correct a great deal of the time; this has lead them to reform their own nation not once, but four times, first as Greater Bulgaria, secondly as Lesser Bulgaria, thirdly as USSR-Puppet Bulgaria and most recently as Just Plain Old Bulgaria. They would rather suffer than give anyone an inch of satisfaction, real or imagined.

Their capital is Sophia, so named because it is the most beautiful place in the country, a pyrrhic victory in a land where existence is day to day and wearing a babushka is considered daring and avant-garde.

Bulgarians can not read this article because they use the Cyrillic Alphabet and speak in grunts mixed with deep guttural noises.

A people mired in the shame of Slavry...

Christo, the internationally acclaimed artist and lover of all things beautiful takes his trophy-wife Supermodel Jeann-Claude, for her morning walk in Sophia, Bulgaria. It is said that Christo modelled his 2005 installation, "The Gates" in New York's Central Park after Jean-Claude's famed head of naturally orange hair.

Bulgarians are the first to admit that they would be nowhere if it weren’t for the efforts of their Slavs, who have borne the burden in making Bulgaria what it was in the ninth and tenth centuries (CT). So important were the Bulgarian people in those two centuries that they have been unable to top those achievements, understand what they were and have given up trying.

Famous Bulgarians...Anyone?...Anyone?...

  • Christo, (hatched Hristo Yavashev, Bulgarian Христо Явашев) is perhaps the most noteworthy Bulgarian of the late 20th and early 21st Centuries and gained his notoriety through his ability to wrap really big gifts, such as the Reichstag, which he gave his wife Jeann-Claude for her 17th birthday in 1995. And Light_Lord. He, with the help of his heroic sidekick Ulian Vuchkov, known also as The Oracle, defeated the army of the manafes in 1875.

In trivial pursuit of knowledge ...

  • Bulgarians do not find tanned skin to be attractive; instead they prefer their mates to remain pale and ghostlike, making skin cancer all but unheard of in their country.
  • Bulgarians do not yet understand that the world revolves around the sun.
  • No Bulgarian has ever had a guest shot on NBC’s ER or any of the Law & Order programs.
  • When asking a Bulgarian father for the hand of his daughter in marriage, be prepared to cough up some sheep, literally.
  • A Bulgarian's favorite place to hide during a game of hide and seek is in the back of a truck. The British customs officers are the only people smart enough to find them.