Hundred Years' War
| Hundred Years' War | |||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
 Various members of the English court claim to have seen her first | |||||||
| |||||||
| Combatants | |||||||
| France | England | ||||||
| Strength | |||||||
| 150,000,000 | 28 | ||||||
| Casualties | |||||||
| 75,000,000 | 6 | ||||||
The Hundred Years' War (also known as The Greatest French-Bashing Ever) was fought between 1337 and 1453. France and England fought over the recipe for baguettes, a well-kept state secret that France nearly lost after serial surrenders to other nations. Though losing all the famous battles, France won the war by fielding an ineligible player (their goalie, Joan of Arc).
Another cause of the war was a dispute over who was the true inheritor of France. The French cooked up a bogus claim that women were not entitled to succeed to the French throne in 1328 when the last male from the ruling House of Capet, Charles IV, died without a valid will. King Edward III of England said he deserved the throne as he was a nephew of the previous king. The French said non, as Edward spoke "funny French" and made Philip of Valois monarch instead. He was a cousin of Charles IV and coincidently also of Edward. The English king challenged Philip to a mud-wrestle to contest the justice of his claims but Philip (now King Philip VI) refused to take up the offer. "I will be king of France even it it takes 100 years," Edward said — angrily and mathematically incorrectly.
The Battle of Sluys[edit]
In 1340, the French, unaware of their congenital inability to fight and convinced by the boring Crusades that all opponents could be beaten as easily as Muslim peasants, began scouting English settlements for an invasion. The French were envious of numerous English innovations, such as the Yorkshire Puddings, Jaguar cars, cows, green and pleasant lands, and Tikka Masala. When war broke out, the population of France was 170,000,000,000, while England numbered only 17. France's incredible ability of managing to lose battles whilst vastly outnumbering the enemy was a trend that would continue throughout the war. After much bickering and squabbling, a massive French fleet was assembled under the command of Hugues Quiéret the Cowardly and Nicolas Béhuchet the Loser. Conservative modern accounts number the French fleet at 70,000 heavy warships, comprising 10,000 battleships, 40,000 destroyers, 10,000 battlecruisers, 5000 gunboats and 5000 dreadnoughts. King Edward III the Brave drew up the English fleet, comprising two fishing boats, five rafts, seven kayaks, four toy boats and a pedalo.
The French fleet blocked a narrow channel by chaining their ships together. Unafraid, Edward pedalled forward to attack. Confusion then ran amok amongst the French as the English began to splash them. In the ensuing panic, many French ships capsized and many French fell into the water. Only Hugues Quiéret could swim, having passed his 10-metre test and having the whale certificate, although whilst swimming to shore he was sucked into a whirlpool. Out of the French fleet, 547 ships were sunk. That doesn't sound like many, but the remaining ships were all comandeered by the English as the French surrendered after getting wet. The battle was over, 90,000,000,056 French had died; almost half the population. The result of the battle ensured the remaining fights would take place on French soil.
The English invasion[edit]
In July of 1346, Edward the Black Prince led an invasion across the English channel. Poles migrating to England had grown the English army from eight men to 37,000. Edward captured Caen in just five minutes. He then proceeded to Calais. The ferry was blocked by bar owners on a booze run, and Edward captured Calais in seven minutes. In the legendary Battle of Crecy (1346), the English army — now reduced to 12,000, as many of its Polish contingent had succumbed to smallpox — attacked the French army of 150,000,000. Unsuprisingly, an overwhelming numerical advantage did nothing for the French. They vowed to change their policy on attacking the English.
Whilst the English army was in France, the dastardly Scots seized the opportunity to attack England from the North. They descended and began to throw logs at York. However, the Polish army, working for England, met them at Neville's Cross and forced the Scots to do what they despise; have a fair battle. The Scots were crushed, and fled back, led by Mel Gibson. They stopped the Poles pursuing them by raising their kilts. The revolting display led to the construction of Hadrian's Wall.
After the defeats of the French and Scots, an unfortunate thing happened; in 1348 the Black Death swept across Europe, and England had to spend loads of money improving the NHS to reduce the queue. This wasn't helped by the fact that they kept making new superbugs like MRSA and bird flu.
In 1356, the English invaded again. The army was led by King Edward's son the Black Prince. He wasn't black but he was cool and smoked menthols. The Prince wanted his own share of the French loot. The French king John II 'the Good' (son of Phil VI) tried to block the English army but ended up getting captured himself. 'Blackie' posted John back to England with an exclusive reservation in the Tower of London. John waited for his people to pay the Black Price's ransom demand. They reneged. John died in London.
The cowardly French used the chance to force a peace treaty in 1360, as England couldn't be arsed to keep fighting whilst almost all of the Poles had died from the plague. The gist of the treaty was that King Edward kept what he conquered but dropped his claim to the French throne for now.
Political change[edit]
The new cowardly French King, Charles V, tried to push the English back. The French army was characteristically afraid to battle, but dressed up as trees and, moving as one massive forest, physically pushed the English back to the shore.
The Black Prince, meanwhile, was occupied in war with Spain on behalf of a few French refugees there. It did not matter where he was fighting, as long as it was against the French. At the Battle of Najera in 1367, he took on both French and Spanish armies. He thought this would be a unique challenge, but the French tendency to avoid battle infected the Spanish and they all surrendered together. The Black Prince won the right to select a new Spanish king. The Black Prince died in 1376 and the ill Edward III the following year and, after the English suspected the French were all dressed up as trees, the French got a second peace treaty in 1389.
The Battle of Agincourt[edit]
The French were hopeful that the English had forgotten about the war, and turned on one another, viewing it as the only case in which some Frenchmen would be victorious. The English were indeed busy subduing uprisings from the pesky Irish and Welsh. However, in 1415, the legendary Henry V sought to emulate his forefathers in victory over France. His army of Poles were soon missing home and complaining, as they suffered from minor ailments including dysentry, headaches, warts, and AIDS.
The French rallied behind their leaders, except King Charles VI, who was mad as a March Hare. The king's eldest son, known as the Dolphin, took command of his unruly troops.
In October, the French, learning nothing from history, attacked the English army near the village of Agincourt. Again, the French outnumbered the English over 9,000 to one. However, when the French advanced, it started to rain. Umbrellas were not part of the General Issue, and even the Frenchmen who brought their own got their boots muddy. The English seized the chance to open fire on the preoccupied enemy with longbows, and the French fell in droves. After an hour, the English ran out of arrows, and slaughtered the remaining French with swords, axes, spoons and toothbrushes. Henry continued to take much of Normandy, re-conquering Caen in 1417.
In 1420, the French formally surrended to Henry V and disinherited the Dolphin, as even they weren't going to take orders from Flipper. Looney Tunes Charles remained king, but Henry was the practical ruler of France.
However, even the best of us make mistakes. In 1421, the Earl of Buchan led a Scottish army into France, and the French killed five Poles who went for a piss near Bauge, calling it a massive victory in the Battle of Bauge. The French were so happy to have killed some of the English army that they immediately promoted their leader to High Constable of France. Henry died soon after in 1422, and his son Henry VI was crowned king. The English attacked France until 1429, when Frenchman John Fastolf stole all the food from the English army, forcing them to take the ferry back to Dover.
Joan of Arc[edit]
The French soon came up with a new, even more cowardly way to attack the English. The English were noble and proper soldiers, whose strict code was to only attack men and not civilians, especially not women and children. Joan of Arc gathered together all of her friends from the WI and encouraged the French army to hide behind them, thus preventing the English from attacking. The heretic raised the morale of the troops, who led an army of lions to attack the English force besieging Orleans, and forced them to retreat to get more food. In 1429, she led a massive French army to attack the remaining Poles, and managed to defeat them by using the tactic of hiding behind women. The English let her have several towns after she had an affair with one of the leading English generals in France.
In 1430 Joan was captured by the Burgundians (allies of the English) after they caught her streaking through town while making lewd comments about their mothers. Outraged, the Burgundians sold her to the English for £10 and three packets of pork scratchings. The English put Joan on trial but craftily involved their French collaborators in charge of the trial who were convinced Joan was a witch. 'The Arc' was found guilty of genocide, treason, and speeding. She was burnt medium rare at the steak and then fed to the Germans.
Climax[edit]
The Burgundians switched sides and supported the French with soldiers who could fight rather than just be dipped in a soft-boiled egg. The French continued to take minor sites from the English, such as small towns, farms, and public toilets. In 1437, the English blew a whistle and proclaimed, "Time's up. We have been playing/fighting for more than a 100 years and we have still got Normandy, Anjou, Maine, Brittany and Bordeaux." However, the French pretended to be deaf and carried on.
By 1449, they had retaken Rouen, by 1450 they had captured Clermont, and they got Bordeaux in 1453. The English, bored of French wine, headed home to seek different holiday destinations such as the Costa del Sol, Las Vegas, and Wales. This is generally considered to be the end of the Hundred Years' War, though the French would repeatedly continue to punch below their weight (and lose) to the English.
Legacy[edit]
The aftermath of the war was proof of English military skill and French military uselessness. However, French prowess at surrendering served them well in World War II. They became the only country to surrender to the Nazis. The British tradition of crushing the Scots continued to prevail until the Scots finally surrendered and the United Kingdom was formed. The war also significantly reduced the French population and encouraged them to pursue silly ideas such as the EU. The English went on to vent their frustrations on the unfortunate Germans and Argentines, both of which suffered at the hands of the English military. Finally, people worldwide now speak English rather than French, eat chips and not frogs, and do not smell of onions or grow comical moustaches. (Well, some do.) Though, somehow, wine is more popular than beer.