Military history of France

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The return leg of the trip to Moscow proved to be a lot less fun than an 18-30 holiday to Marbella.

To the surprise of all including the French soldiers involved, there have been minor military triumphs every few centuries. The following is a compilation of French military victories, many of which are considered to be purely mythological.


  • 50 BC - Julius Caesar writes On the Gauls about expanding the Roman Empire North East, then West, then North West, then North pushing further into the barbarian lands of the Picts beyond in Saxony. First historical reference to Druidism in France, and where he learned how to chant and sing before battles with the French. Much in the tradition of how Joshua brought the walls of Jericho tumbling down.
  • Gallic Wars 58-52 BC - Lost - The French, too busy fighting with the Germans because all the French women only spoke German, lost to the Italians who had to march a thousand miles to get to them. Tired from the long march, the Italians told the French they were too tired to fight and to give them a few days rest before they were ready to kick their ass. The French responded by saying it was all the Germans' fault and they should attack them and the Belgians, then claimed they were all Dutch and retreated.
  • Hundred Years War 1337-1453 - Mostly lost - At the height of this war with England, France had a population of 14 million, England had 2 million, the French, realizing they were outnumber by superior British forces consisting of mainly women and children due to the lack of able bodied men who were being killed off by the plague decided to attack themselves several times to confuse the British. After several French victories against the British forces they again attacked themselves in an effort to seduce the defeated British. The French, realizing they may be winning the war took the only commander who had any success against the British, a psychotic Female, and sold her to the British in exchange for 10,000 sheep and a few stacks of wood. The wood was later 'stolen' by the English to honor the aforementioned old female, a Miss Johanna Arcangel, by having a grand barbecue in her honor.
    The French Terror Alert System (FTAS) uses colours as an easy way to indicate the appropriate level of capitulation French citizens should offer to invading armies. Established in early 2003, right before George W. Bush offered an entire country to Al Qaeda.
  • 1429 - Joan of Arc had a famous battle with the English Clergy on French soil. She would have won the ground war, but right before an important battle, someone dobbed her in for being too 'mannish', and thus ineligible to be a Lady General. Just shows that angel guides can have plans for you more complex than you might think.
  • 1776 - King Louis the 16th sends funds and a number of his best generals to the American colonies to fight in the War of Colonial Aggression. To show their appreciation for Louis' loyal defense of the interests of the French people, the 'elected' body of Girodins, lead by Robespierre, executed Louis on the guillotine for fleeing the country and being a threat to the rights and new-found freedoms of the citizens of France. More Irony.
  • 1798 - Napoleon invades Egypt and finds the Rosetta Stone. Spent one night inside the sarcophagus in the Queen's Chamber of the Great Pyramid at Giza. Rumour has it he saw his destiny and told no-one. Born from the phoenix fire of French Revolution, a champion of the hopes and dreams of his people.
  • 1815 - Napoleon surrenders at Waterloo. Exiled. Apparently lost the battle because he was very uncomfortable in his saddle due to a slight case of haemorrhoids.
  • 1863 - In 1863, the Salon de Paris jury rejected The Luncheon on the Grass (Le déjeuner sur l'herbe) by Édouard Manet primarily because it depicted a nude woman with two clothed men on a picnic. While nudes were routinely accepted by the Salon when featured in historical and allegorical paintings, the jury condemned Manet for placing a realistic nude in a contemporary setting. Manet felt humiliated by the sharply worded rejection of the jury, which set off a firestorm among many French artists. Although Manet did not consider himself an Impressionist, he led discussions at Café Guerbois where the Impressionists gathered, and he influenced the explorations of the artistic group.
This led to Gustave's Courbet's Origin of the World (1866), a painting stridently depicting female genitalia, to make an artistic point about freedom of expression.
  • 1871 - Great Time Travel War of 1871 Joan of Arc led the French to Victory, and saved Mexico
  • 2003 - Won the Battle of Public Opinion over the Iraq war, causing Americans to go do it anyway without international support, while making unfunny jokes about how the only reason to think invading is possibly a bad idea is if you are *bad at war*. With hilarious consequences.

Other influences[edit]

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American military victories | French military victories | Japanese military victories