Military history of the United States

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about American military victories.

Well, apparently the USA has quite the military history. Here is a brief summary of American military victories and other accomplishments.

Typical American soldier, c. 1900

Timeline[edit]

War of Independence (1775-1783)[edit]

1775-1783: The British Crown presents a bill to American settlers, who must now pay for their protection, by paying higher taxes on their slaves. Ungrateful settlers, who are already allergic to taxes, go on a rampage and attack tea boxes on a ship; several Americans are wounded by the boxes but manage to escape in time (Result; 20 Colonists injured, 50 boxes drowned). Americans win their sole victory in Saratoga when General Burgoyne realises that Canadian merchants sold him agweed instead of tea before his departure. Unable to get new provisions and facing a mutiny, he decides to surrender. In the following years the Americans will lose most of the time due to their lack of discipline and massive desertions. Luckily this is greatly out-weighed by the incompetence of the British military leaders, who thought it would be a super-great idea to dress all their soldiers in red coats and line them up in neat rows(But hey, they looked their enemies in the eye). It is estimated that, for every shot an American soldier fired, somewhere between 350,000 to 1 million British soldiers were killed. This habit has continued to the present day - in modern times it is called 'friendly fire'.

Early national period (1783-1815)[edit]

1812-1814: America invades Canada while Britain burns Washington to the Ground. Americans are beaten back by a force of 340 Canadian/ British soldiers. Canadians seize the moment by ambushing the Americans and pounding the crap out of themselves. The Americans retaliate by destroying all the crumpets in Canada, pretty much starving them to a slow death. British launch assault on New Orleans. British surrender after realising that nobody cares about New Orleans, unfortunately for the Americans however, this victory meant nothing as the war was over, and the British were simply marching towards them to tell them they were going home.

Continental expansion (1816-1860)[edit]

1846-1848: Thinking that Texas oil somehow extended farther west than it really did, American troops generously relieve Santa Ana of the shitholes of California, Colorado, Nevada, New Mexico and Arizona. Not only did the Americans fail to find any oil in these newly "won" territories, they were actually dumb enough to pay money to the Mexicans for all that wasteland. ^[1]^[2]

War of Northern Aggression (1861-1865)[edit]

1861-1865: Americans win an impressive victory against themselves, but it took a while. Either way they would lose, but on the bright side, either way they would win.

Post-Civil War era (1865-1917)[edit]

Indian Wars (1865-1870)[edit]

Indian Wars (See Manifest Destiny): Several raids are led against Indian women and babies and the US troops achieve some victories, but fail to liquidate all. Neverthless, some successful slaughters will lead them to believe that they are mighty and couragous warriors. The only major loss for the Americans during this war was a battle between Crazy Horse and the US's General Custard, who couldn't run because of a stomach cramp due to eating a large quantity of pastries filled with - you guessed it- custard.^[3]

Spanish-American War (1898)[edit]

1898: The Spanish perform a master coup and get rid of Cuba, Puerto-Rico, Guam and the Philippines at the expense of the Americans, leaving the USA with the impression that they won the war. Soon the US discover that there is no oil there, and that their new possesions are a waste basket more than anything else.

World War I (1917-1918)[edit]

1918: The Americans arrive just in time to help carry General Melchett's feathery hat into Berlin. ^[4]

World War II (1939-1945)[edit]

1941-1945: Again, America turned up just in time to save Britain's bacon from Germany's frying pan. America also helped spread syphilis throughout Europe.^[5]

Cold War (1945-1991)[edit]

Europeans forget to pay the gas bill. Russians and Americans agree to provide power on a 50-50 basis. Later, the U.S beats the Soviet Union in a staring contest.

Korean War[edit]

1950-1953: Well.... They don't call the Korean War the 'Forgotten War' for nothing! ^[6]

Bay of Pigs[edit]

1961: Cuban exiles send guinea pigs to Cuba to try and reclaim their land and topple Castro. Due to intense heat on the way to the beach, many of these brave troops die on the way and when the landing craft opened up, most of the poor buggers drowned as they tried in vain to swim. The rest of them are eaten by the Stalinbear, recently shipped over in preparation to be given a missile launcher upgrade. A true shame.

Vietnam War[edit]

1963-1973: Americans suffer cruelly from the lack of AC, and marijuana of a poor quality in Vietnam. The American army manages to defeat the anti-war movement (with the help from Forrest Gump) in every major battle but is eventually defeated by a coalition of dirty hippies, college professors and liberals. Despite grass roots support from the Vietnamese populace the US surrenders leading to the fall of the United States and the rise of the antichrist.

Moon landings of 1969[edit]

1969: The United States invades the moon but leaves after not finding any oil or anyone to shoot at.

Grenada[edit]

1983: The combined air force, navy and ground troops apply an audacious plan and succeed to beat a bunch of Cuban workers armed with shovels in Grenada. 5000 Decorations awarded.

Post-Cold War era (1991-2001)[edit]

Gulf War[edit]

1991: Americans align more soldiers than the French or the British and succeed to crush an army of barefoot Shi'ite shit, with 4 divisions of camels, armed with the latest spitting technology, the Iraq special forces were issued with the latest in desert conflict clothing to combat the US/UK threat, "jesus Sneekers, fortunately for the regulare troops they were issued with MGBS's also known as Moses getaway boots oh and they were all drafted against their will. The Daguet division leads the charge while American soldiers console themselves in taking prisoners that the TV crews did not want.

War on Terrorism (2001-present)[edit]

Afghanistan[edit]

Depressing note: As of 2006, the Taliban are, confusingly enough, back. This has mainly thought to be result of the fact that instead of actually fighting said enemies after early 2002, it was generally agreed by the parties involved that "the cocky little bastards got the picture", which has now been discovered to have been a "kindergarten level-error of the highest".

Another Positive note : Anbar province is revolting against al Qaeda, and similar movements are occurring throughout the country. However, now, they hate the US even more, since the original reason is now gone, they want more shoes.

Iraq[edit]

2003 : Americans repeat 1991, and align an even larger army and succeed yet again. Shi'ite defenders now have shoes, but still no tanks, and still can't be bothered with the whole war thing. Colonel McDonald's division successfully captures Saddam Insane, the leader of Iraq (and coincidently - owner of large oil reserves). The only enemies of the US still in Iraq are a bunch of depressed men who want the US to leave as quickly as possible. They blow up a bunch of stuff, which has the opposite effect, causing the US to stay even longer.

The First Lunar-American War[edit]

2009 : Alarmed by CIA intelligence that the moon has a WMD program, President Barack Obama declares war against the moon. This follows a mysterious and unexpected lack of any direct contact with Lunar authorities. The war is very brief, seeing limited military action on the part of the American military. Eventually, facing domestic pressure, President Obama announces a cessation of hostilities in 2010. A formal declaration of peace is signed into law in 2011, although the lack of response from the moon is still a source of concern for American military officials.

Footnotes[edit]

↑ So you'd prefer taking over territory by force? Why all the violence for the extra land...we paid Russia for Alaska...we paid France for the Louisiana Territory...we paid Mexico for CA, CO, NV, NM, and AZ (in case you don't know that stands for California, Colorado, Nevada, New Mexico, and Arizona). Not everything is done by force.
↑ Santa Ana was deposed as ruler of Mexico after losing the Texas Revolution. An underdog in a Mexican Civil War that occurred at the same time as the Mexican American War, his victory was aided by the US in return for his ceding Mexico's northern provinces to the US.
↑ Odd that the Indian Wars gave rise to the legend of the US Cavalry as a superb fighting force. Actually EVERY major victory was won by infantry. The cavalry got spanked nearly every time they fought.
↑ No need to get involved until 1918.
↑ France had fallen, Britian was about to, Hitler had overrun Europe!
↑ True.