HowTo:Make crime pay

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

This article refers to making a living out of crime, if you seek to exact revenge on the world of crime please consult another article.

“There is no crime too hard, no crime too impossible to pull of, if you remember this one golden rule. People are idiots. Just be less of an idiot than everyone else, and you'll never get caught.”

~ Sideshow Bob on Crime

So you're a petty thug huh? Can't develop the perfect scheme as well as you can make the perfect punch to the face. Well you're in luck! Using this handy HowTo guide you will learn the fine art of making a living out of crime. I will teach you how to make a life out of various crimes like theft and grifting, but even the most dire of evil deeds like kidnapping to murder! And most importantly how to not get caught!


The term theft is a very broad one, you could refer to simple shoplifting or you could refer to stealing a priceless artwork. But I will try and cover the basics or planning the perfect theft.

Stage one: Finding a suitable target[edit]

Oh shit mate, a pair of boats! Shit before the clerk comes back!

Needless to say any wanker can steal a bag of lollies or chips from your local shopping center, what separates the pussy thieves from the real men is what they target. If you will turn your attention to exhibit A (pictured right), you will see what not to steal.

The easiest way to make a living out of theft is to steal money. But Jewelery, appliances and slaves are fine as well under the correct circumstances. You should also ensure your target is easy enough to take without anyone noticing. You must also ensure your targets protection is not too overwhelming against your man power. Banks and jewelery stores are usually not the best for amateur thieves. If you do decide to take on a bank, pay very close attention to the second stage.

Stage two: Planning[edit]

Don't do it wrong. Your fate awaits you.

This is common sense but do you have any idea on how many idiots plan to steal something without thinking it through? Plan your crime idiot! it's the first step to assuring you will get away with it.

And when I say think your crime through I don't mean just go:

  • We meet at the location at 8:00am
  • We go in and tell everyone to put their hands up.
  • We walk out with the ill gotten goods.

Because it don't just work that way bro'! Plan with very precise detail, or the authorities will catch you. Plan where you'll meet, how you'll get there and and what time you'll meet. Plan your distraction or diversion to allow access to your target.

Stage three: Execution[edit]

Alright so you have your idea assembled now, you know exactly how it should work. Now all that if left, is execution your criminal masterpiece. Here is the very basic tips needed for your plan to run perfectly:

  • Keep calm, yes I know you're on your first job. But it's important you don't panic if it doesn't run perfectly smooth.
  • ALWAYS have a plan B, if your first scheme fails. Then you need a backup.
  • ALWAYS have a plan C, if your first two schemes fail. Then you need a backup AND a better education of crime.
  • ALWAYS have a plan D, if your first three schemes fail, you are not only a talentless hack but a total idiot and a waste of my time. You probably won't need one.
  • Don't be a suspicious looking prick, this is the number 1 give away you're up to no good.
  • Don't celebrate you have stolen the goods, until you're at home. 95% of criminals get caught because they scream with exitement over their achievement, in public.

Stage four: Celebration[edit]

Champagne, is a good way to celebrate!

You have now finished your master work. The pressure of eternal failure is off you for know, so just relax put your feet up and enjoy a glass of classy, expensive, imported French champagne, (or if you're too poor, some watered down grape juice will be fine too).

Don't be afraid to splurge on your newly made fortune (unless you're the idiot that only took a couple of hundred bucks, in which case be conservative). A good way to splurge is to buy a new car and then show it off to all your friends, and then tell them:

I made a life of crime, and look where it ot me! Have fun obeying society's laws, youre only cheating yourself, of the good life!

So there.


Grifting (also referred to conning) is similar to theft in the sense, you are stealing someone else's property, however it holds the advantage to them handing over the cash under their own free will. Conning requires a more sophisticated line of thinking, as you actually have to lie convincingly enough, in order for the money to be handed over. If you choose to be a grifter, you can be a moral grifter (someone whose cons someone who deserves it) or an ammoral predator (someone who doen't care, as long as they get paid).

Grifters (also known as Con artists) are generally divided into two subgroups:

  • Long conners - Develop a highly in depth strategy in order to obtain hundreds of thousands of dollars.
  • Short conners - Obviously the opposite, just do a quick trick to get a couple of hundred bucks.

Now for the actual part where we learn to con:

Stage one: Finding your mark[edit]

And with that... We have our mark.

A mark is simply the victim of your master piece. If you are planning a long con, they should fit three criteria:

  • Be a bastard. It's that simple, they have to be a nasty dickhead.
  • Be stupid enough to actually fall for it. They have to be dumb enough to hand over 100 grand no question asked.
  • Have money. No brainer.

If you are just planning a quick job. Any idiot will do.

Once you have found your victim *ahem* I mean mark, you should try and get familiar with them. Make polite conversation and get to know any weaknesses, strengths or interests, they may possess, as this is critical for the next step.

Stage two: Planning[edit]

Like with robbing someone, you need a good plan in order to get away conning someone convincingly enough for you to get away with it. If you are planning a quick job, any card trick your grandmother taught you will do just fine, as most people are dumb enough to fall for it anyway. But if you're planning on doing a large job, you'll need a very good plan.

As you are familiar with your mark already, you need to introduce yourself as someone who is in a position to be of a good advantage to them. If they have an interest in antiques, you should present yourself as an antique dealer if they possess an interest in greyhound racing, you should present yourself as a professional breeder, and so you get the idea.

Next, you will need some sort of convincer, to indicate to them, that by giving you what you want they stand to make a gain. This is the most critical stage of any con. DO NOT COCK IT UP! If they are still not convinced by your convincer, you need to make your convincer more convincing!

The last stage is the hilarious bit, this is where you bail out on them without their knowledge. You can pretend to be dragged off my police, (whom are actually your colleagues) shouting your mark is responsible for some nasty event. Predictably they will pretend not to have seen you before in your life, thus he believes he is escaping with his skin intact, and you escape with the cash!

Stage three: Execution[edit]

For your con, you will need a good disguise, you should be prepared to go to any stretch to make it convincing.

Like with executing a master burglary, you need to remember a few important tips when executing your con. Unlike with theft, you are (at least according to your mark) doing nothing illegal, this is rule number one. Other slightly less important rules can be listed below:

  • Keep calm, yes I know you're on your first con. But it's important you keep your cool no matter what happens, if you start panicking you will arouse your mark's suspicion.
  • ALWAYS have a plan B, if your first scheme fails. Then you need a backup. Because remember your mark is a slippery motherfucker and could double cross you at any point.
  • Stay one step ahead of your mark at all times. To con a fuckwit you need to think and act like a colossal fuckwit!
  • Be prepared to bail the fuck out at any moment, try not to forget your performing an illegal act here!
  • Keep your eyes on the prize it'll help you ignore the previous tip and go to any lengths to win over that evil dick!

Stage four: Celebration[edit]

You have now finished your master work. The pressure of eternal failure is off you for know, so just relax put your feet up and enjoy a glass of classy, expensive, imported French champagne, (or if you're too poor, some watered down grape juice will be fine too).

Don't be afraid to splurge on your newly made fortune (unless you're the idiot that only conned a couple of hundred bucks, in which case be conservative). A good way to splurge is to buy a new car and then show it off to all your friends, and then tell them:

I made a life of crime, and look where it got me! Have fun obeying society's laws, you're only cheating yourself, of the good life!

So there.


Kidnapping is like theft except you are stealing a human being. Now if you fail at this one, there will be hell to pay. Remember kidnapping is serious fucking business, because they will automatically assume you were planning to murder them therefore you may spend the rest of your life in jail or at least a really long time.

Step one: Finding your target[edit]

This is just too easy...

This step is surprisingly the most difficult stage in this line of crime, because the remainer is remarkably simple. You should not try and kidnap the president of the united states, but rather target a small child, as they are usually poorly protected and weaker than you.

Your targets parents should also have a fair amount of money so lurk around some of the richer parts of town and watch your target child's day to day movements.

Once you have established the child's day to day movements and how how much of the parents high disposable income could potentially be in your pocket, you are ready to kidnap your target!

Stage two: The kidnapping process and ransom[edit]

You can make your ransom note like they do in the movies.

Presumably you have found your target is left unattended at some point during their daily routine. Run at them with a burlap sack, duct tape or whatever tickles your fancy and get them into the boot of your car and take them to your hideout! Be careful not to look suspicious and make sure you're not followed.

Once you have the child at your hideout, what do you do you might ask?

Absolutely nothing!

The longer you wait in sending your ransom note the more they will be prepared to pay, in order to get their child back. If you send it immediately they will try and haggle on a price with you, remember they're rich snobs you want to get anything you can lay your filthy hands on. If you wait they will get desperate and be prepared to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars! Remember people do stupid things when they get desperate, this will be no exception.

Now as for constructing your ransom note, you can do it in a number of ways. You can use catalog cut outs, a typewriter or even get the victim to write the note themselves this will there will be no DNA tracing possible!

As for delivering your ransom note, waiting until night time before easily slipping it into the parents letterbox is a good way to deliver it, no one's going to be watching you and it's cheaper than going through the postal service!

Stage three: Collecting the dough and delivering the child[edit]

This is the most critical stage of any kidnapping job, because needless to say no-body no matter how rich likes parting with a million bucks. They will bring the cops, the army, the marines what ever the hell it takes to ensure they get away with child and money in hand!

To collect said payment, you should ask the money to be dropped off in a very open sort of area (the middles of the desert for example), but we realize a desert isn't available to all so in this case the middle of a soccer oval is good. Tell them to leave it in a bin and an complacence will collect it. State that then, and only then will the child be returned, police will result in severe consequences for the child. Once you have the dough you can either honor your agreement to return the child or kill them for the lulz.


Now as promised, I'm going to teach you ho to make money out of homicide, imagine that! Well yes dear readers I personally guarantee it is possible to make a living out of killing people! Murder is the real shiz though, if you get arrested prepare to meet thy maker or at least rot in jail if your country/state has abolished the death penalty.

Stage one: Promotional material[edit]

If you look like this you will make a very convincing thug.

Unlike most crimes, you cant simply murder someone and expect to get money, you have to do it for someone who is too lazy. In other words your going to be a hired goon or assassin. Now this trade will pay very well if you're good at it. So making promotional material for your potential market is a good idea.

Or simply if you can't afford to advertise you will simple have to look like a goon. Cut scars into your face, shave your head, get tattoos all over your body, piercings etc. All of this will help your chances of being a potential goon for your market.

You should try and include competitive prices, for example you could offer a two for one sale for the first fifty callers or you could quite simply say "Hire me... OR ELSE!" Once you start getting the calls you're ready to plan this homicide.

Or you could quite possibly be too chicken to go through with this ordeal, if that's the case piss off I don't have time to deal with you if you are not man enough to kill a man.

Stage two: Planning and execution[edit]

Like with a kidnapping you need to watch your target for a prolonged period of time to work out the best time to strike. Not only that, but you will need to work out the best way to murder them. Skinny people can be shot, strangled or stabbed. But you'd look a little bit stupid trying to choke a six foot professional wrestler. Think and rethink this part through, because you only get one shot at this and you can't afford to cock it up!

Alright so now we're at the critical stage, killing them. Make sure their are no witnesses! Also don't leave clues, wear rubber gloves, a hairnet and plastic clothing to avoid leaving any DNA. Preferably strangle your victim so no blood is found at the scene, this will leave them as missing leaving you more time to disappear.

Stage three: Disposing of the body[edit]


Alright so now that our victim is dead, you need to work out how to get rid of the body. Here is my recommendation.

You will need

  • 1 large sack
  • 1 very sharp carving knife
  • Several lead bricks
  • 1 boat


  • Cut up body into various bits
  • Put bits in sack with lead bricks
  • Take out to sea in boat (night time is best)
  • The rest writes itself really

So using this exact formula, you can dispose of the body. However the picture right is a good way to get caught, if you're into that sort of thing.

So how about it![edit]

Commit a crime today!

Legal Disclaimer[edit]

The writer of this HowTo guide, does not bear any responsibility for injuries and jail time you may and probably will encounter when attempting any of these crimes. He also denies writing this entire HowTo guide for legal reasons. Have a super day!