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Life got you down? Do you hate yourself? Did your girlfriend leave you or did she have a threesome with your sister and brother in law without inviting you? Do you have no family and it's the holidays? Is your dick too small?? Do you have no purpose in life other than having no money? Is even the family pet spurning your advances? Are you taking those anti-crazy drugs that make you crazy? Or maybe you just lost your Ipod and Mommy won't get you a new one.
Why go on living with all this gut wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself? Thousands have before you, and nearly all got the desired result. Suicide is a rewarding hobby though with a limited shelf-life. With a good suicide, like a good cry but dead, you can just release all that pent up guilt and bleed out. You've failed at everything else, here's your chance to be a success. This article presents everything you'll need to know to commit suicide successfully.
Some of the methods listed here may be more effective than others and some may be totally ineffective. Since, by clicking on the link that led you here, you waived your rights to legal recourse, any choices you make about suicide pertaining to the methods listed in this article and any expected results are done entirely at your own risk.
Reasons to Commit Suicide
There are many reasons to commit suicide: girlfriend, life, job, Uncyclopedia, 4chan, or any number of teeny bopper/emo/scene reasons. But you need specific reasons to commit suicide, if you just commit suicide for the hell of it, then it wouldn't count. You'd just be doing so for your own enjoyment, you selfish jerk. Shame on you for even considering it. Now that you are properly ashamed, you have one more reason to add to your list. Some of the valid reasons to commit suicide are included in a convenient list for you below:
- Your boyfriend/girlfriend/mom/whore left you.
- Your wife/mom left you for your boyfriend
- You broke your favorite thing by playing with it too much
- A grue is about to do the job for you.
- Your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/kitten/whore is about to do the job for you.
- You got banned from Uncyclopedia for being an idiot.
- You just realized that life isn't worth living. (See Previous)
- You wasted all your money on "I Love Osama" commemorative plates
- You are emo and thus it is your duty to commit suicide
- You lost the last twenty-five arguments with the voices in your head
- Demons have staked a claim to your underwear drawer
If you just kill yourself without cause then you cannot set your soul free. Then again, if you just kill yourself it would be much faster and easier.
Methods of committing suicide
If you plan to do this, then you will need to know the various methods of committing suicide. These particular methods have been painstakingly researched and you will have a 99.997% chance that you will be dead. In addition, following these methods will change how people think of you. Some of them will think you are a maniac, others will think that you're desperate, while a select few will realize that they love you but only once you're dead. But whatever you do, just do it!
Method 1: Jumping Off
You will need:
- A good high building or cliff
- No regrets
- Optional equipment: A cape
- Locate a nice high building or cliff to jump off of.
- Go to the top.
- Do a flip.
- Do a barrel roll.
This method has a number of advantages. It's simple. It's dramatic. You can save on funeral costs and have yourself buried in a pizza box. On the other hand, if it's raining, your clothes will get soaked and your body will just wash down the drain. Also, it's just not terribly original. Dozens of people try to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge every year. Boring. (Make sure to do the flip cause you never know, you might get a perfect ten.)
Method 2: Complete Exsanguination
You will need:
- A sharp object. Razors, scissors, broken glass, or biting criticism all work
- A rafter or other high support
- A Rope
- Using the rope, tie your ankles together so that you are hanging from the rafters in a head-down posture.
- Grasp the sharp object in your hand, and draw it swiftly across your neck. Be sure to cut deep enough so that you get all four major blood vessels.
- Make a puddle on the floor. Or use a bucket for the Red Cross. Or use a bucket for a local needy vampire bat family.
- Admire your handiwork.
Anyone can kill themselves by slitting their wrists. A true artist goes for a complete exsanguination. For extra credit, tie your wrists to your ankles to complete the Long Pig allusion.
Method 3: Jumping off a Plane
You will need:
- Plane Ticket
- Make a Skydiving Reservation
- Ignore instructor during flight
- Refuse parachute and jump to your death
- Optional: Aim for pigeons as you plummet to the earth
- Optional: Wear a cape and/or a superman suit
For those of you that have never liked to listen to directions, this is an obvious choice. You get to your goal and continue your longstanding tradition of ignoring the words of others. Are you listening? Hey! Come back! I'm not done talking yet! Note: if you are afraid of heights, then make someone on the plane angry,and he will throw you out from the plane without even caring about your acrophobia.
Method 4: Car Death
You will need:
- Some sort of motoring infrastructure such as a road with cars, trucks or buses
- Find a speeding car.
- Wait until the car is in range.
- Walk in front of the car and watch as the car hits you.
- You're dead, nothing to it.
- Unless they swerve and kill someone else in the process. But, then you'll have even more reason to die! ^_^
This method is recommended for those people that loathe all the crass materialism involved with other suicide methods. Even the luxury of clothes is not required with this method. Those Capitalist Pigs will rue the day your naked form destroys their precious sports car. THANK GOD!!!
Method 5: Suicide Bombing
You will need
- Atomic bomb
- A location where someone carrying an atom bomb won't look out of place. New York is good for this: nothing looks out of place in New York.
- Religious tract of your choice. The Kama Sutra is a particularly good option, but you could also try the Book of Common Prayer or the Analects
- Walk to a suitable street corner. Street corners are the proper place to do anything important in New York.
- Set them up the bomb.
- Cover your testicles.
- Generate a mushroom cloud.
If you've ever wanted to have your passing remembered, this is the method for you. However, it is wise to make sure that before you blow yourself up, you stop all the other people on the corner with an atom bomb. You don't want someone else hogging all the glory, lousy poseurs.
Method 6: Great White Shark
You will need
- A plane ticket to Hawaii, Australia, South Africa or other shark-infested waters
- A bucket of Chum
- Peterson's Field Guide To Sharks
- A sharp object (optional)
- Find shark-infested waters. The Great Barrier Reef is perfect, but Hawaii will do.
- Rent a boat and head offshore into deep water. Make sure you pack a life preserver, the field guide, and some sunscreen.(Getting skin cancer would ruin your suicide).
- Pour some chum over yourself and a bucket's worth into the water.
- Wait for the fins to appear- this is important! If you get in the water before the sharks appear, you may die of hypothermia before you get eaten. And hypothermia never makes Page 1.
- If you do not see any fins, cut your self and put your hand into the water. They should speed towards you.
- This is where the field guide comes in- you want to make sure it's a great white that eats you. Death by blue shark just doesn't sound as cool.
- When you see a big one, hop right in.
- The shark does the rest.
Imagine how jealous the parents of that other kid are going to be! They'll open up the paper expecting a nice piece on little Johnny's suicide, but his OD will be a tiny blurb in the corner. Meanwhile, you get front page with your suicide-by-shark! Nobody will even go to his funeral- his friends will all be like, "Yeah, it's too bad. But this other dude- man, he got killed by a shark! I can't wait to see that. I hear it's open casket and you can see the bite marks and everything! I'm sorry to miss Johnny's wake, but how many times do you get to see a dude who's been gnawed in half by a shark?"
Method 7: Emotionally Disturbing Piano Wire Beheading
You will need
- Piano wire
- Jaunty Hat (Jauntiness is a must)
- Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place. Stand at its summit with lots of piano wire.
- Attach one end of a piece of piano wire 5 meters short of the ground to your ankles. Secure the other end to the building.
- Place your head in a noose made from another length of piano wire that is 6 meters short of the ground. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
- Glue the hat and your chosen hand to your head. You wouldn't want to lose your hat.
The result: at 6 meters from the ground, the piano wire noose around your neck will tighten and slice your head off. Your head will, however, not fall because it is stuck to your hand. You will be found dangling upside down with your head stuck to your hand spraying everyone in a 5 meter radius with your bodily fluids. Your Jaunty Hat will have to be taken from your cold dead hands.
And a record 45,099 people have killed themselves after witnessing a piano-wire suicide and the number just keeps rising. What a coincidence!
Method 8: Overkill
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
You will need
- Piano wire/Good rope
- Portable pool
- Tall Building
- A friend(Optional, you poor poor fool)
This method is for those who have actually failed at failing. (And even if you do manage to bungle this sure fire method...well...it's still entertaining ;D.))
- Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place.
- Get to the roof. Remember, use the stairs, not the elevator. You don't want to die from a faulty elevator!
- Tie a noose around your neck, and secure it to the building. Make sure the rope extends to the bottom, so you hit the ground and still break your neck. Alternatively, you may use the piano wire method above.
- Get a friend to position a pool at the bottom, and dump the sharks into it.
- Load the gun, and stick it inside your mouth.
What will happen: The rope should kill you, ripping your head off as you hit the bottom. If the rope breaks, the fall would still kill you. If THAT doesn't work, you can still pull the trigger for the gun and blow your brains out. What? Still not dead? Then the sharks will eat you. This is recommended for Emos, who seem to be completely unable to kill themselves.
- Touching a live 220V wire: it causes certain death within one minute and leaves the yummy smell of bacon.
- Tickle a lion: Instant death guaranteed.
- Tickle a Terminator: Will shoot you until your bones are tumbled to dust.
- Use Pepper Spray on your food.
- Asking Derpy Hooves to make a house fall on your cranium: If it doesn't work, she will drop the Statue of Liberty on you.
- Tell this joke to your friend : "Why do gorillas have a big nose hole? it's because they have big fingers!" Your friend won't find it funny and be angry enough to kill you.
- Obtain a prescription for nitroglycerin. Take the dose as indicated on the vial. Then quickly jump up and down for a big BOOM.
Quick, painless death
- Kitten overdose: you'll die within an hour but you may be revived with a 35 ml (1.25 fl oz) sulfuric acid anal suppository.
- Guillotine: effective within 20 seconds. It is still not possible to get your head sewn back on time.
Slow but unnoticed death
- Attempting to read a program written in Perl or APL.
- Reading the entirety of Wikipedia.
- Reconciling 25 bank statements and credit card statements in one week. Especially if something doesn't balance right.
- Talking over the telephone to twenty angry people in a row. Then doing it all again the next day, and the next...
- Working without any meal breaks because your boss encourages this. Especially if your boss pays no benefits, no retirement plan, and no paid vacation time.
- Go to fifty unsuccessful job interviews. If there is any life left in you after this, read ten job interview books, then interview for a sales position.
- Listen constantly to Conservative Talk Radio, this leads to lack of all motivation and independent thought. Warning: You may get officially declared a zombie and get shot in the head, which is neither a slow nor painless form of death. This also works with children's television shows.
- Touch a guy infected with Sudden Instant Death Syndrome. You'll never notice how you died a few years later.
- Ask God to bring the rapture closer. WARNING: You must be a Christian to be with him
- Wait several decades. Time will do you in, eventually.
Slow, painful death
- Disbelief in Cthulhu: you get eaten last and are chewed for much, much longer.
- Read anything by James Joyce, especially Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
- Death by bear: attempt to kill a full grown grizzly bear using nothing but a single banana as weapon and try to delude yourself that the banana is a gun.
- Death by chain smoking: if the cancer doesn't get you, emphysema will. Bonus: It will also stain your teeth a glorious shade of yellow, and further reduce the pool of people willing to date you. Tell everyone, it isn't "yellow" it's GOLD. Because everyone likes anything gold. Or, you could just spend thousands on regularly scheduled teeth whitening.
What now, Dude?
Nothing, You're dead. If you are still reading this, then you have done something terribly wrong. Go back and try a different method. Perhaps a cup of coffee or tea before you try again might be in order.
- HowTo:Wake up from a bad reality
- Why?:Give Up
- Why?:You Should Kill Yourself
- HowTo:Kill Yourself With A Brick
- The Government Guide to Killing Yourself
- You are dead
DANGER: Attempting suicide can be harmful or fatal. Uncyclopedia does not provide any medical or legal advice, and is provided for entertainment purposes only. Uncyclopedia also does not provide any spiritual advice, though if you actually find suicide entertaining, perhaps you should seek some.
- ↑ If you are losing arguments with yourself or with imaginary entities, you really should be calling for backup, or at least a second opinion.