HowTo:Ask a girl out

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Before you make your move, you must choose the girl. Take into consideration her popularity, her friends, and her name. If you’re a popular guy, chances are, you can get a popular girl. Also think about what her friends would think about you (and maybe also what you think about her friends). Finally you must consider her name (in case you decide to marry her later on down the road) because it might not sound too great. E.g. your name is Dave O'Riley and would you like a name like Nora O'Riley.

Choosing...

Blondes

Tie an Otis Spunkmeyer cookie onto the end of some string and pull it in when she goes after it. When she gets to you, say, “I’ll let you have the cookie if you go out with me.” This usually works on blondes that have an IQ lower than 50. You can also get some grape juice and let her drink it and then say that it is poison and you’re the only one with the antidote. She will definitely go out with you after that. If she is a smart blonde (ha, ha) refer to the brunette asking Technique.

Other hair colors

Smile at her a lot and see if she smiles back. If you get a restraining order, you tried too hard. If she smiles back, you have been noticed. Next you want to ask a friend to find out if the girl you like likes you back. It should be her best friend and that should be a girl. If a guy is her best friend, move on because she is already taken or cannot distinguish between the sexes. If you find out she likes you, then you are in luck. If she doesn’t, get back at her by asking her best friend out. If she likes you, you are at the final stage. You approach her when there aren’t a lot of people around and ask her. If you become nervous, it is proven that if you think that you are Darth Vader and you are walking while playing the Imperial March in your head, it makes it ten times easier and you will not be nervous due to the feeling of extreme superiority. Next you must go up to her and say this sentence, “Hey douche, I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me.” You say that and only that until she decides. If she says, "Sure, I'd love to." or a variation of that, then you are in luck comrade. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a guy go up to a girl and ask her if he could "do" her...Morons

Bald

If she's bald, then you have no taste in girls. Or you can't distinguish between a girl and a boy. Or you have a fetish for girls with Cancer.

The More Than One Dilemma

If you like more than one girl at a time and want to ask both of them out, then do the manly thing, flip a coin. Then, when you break up with one, you can go out with another. When you run out of people, go get drunk and bang a fat chick.

The Rejection

If you are rejected for some bizarre reason, then you really suck at following directions and you probably had toilet paper stuck to your shoe. If you are rejected, just act extremely depressed so she'll feel bad for you and maybe she'll go out with you after that. If, you find out she's stalking you, just go right up to her and ask her there because she will have to say yes. I don't know why anyone would stalk someone and then say they didn't like them.

If all else fails, kidnap her and rape her and then she'll have to go out with you.

The Yes

If she says yes, don’t move too quickly. I really know by the time you are a sophomore, you’ll have and unquenchable desire for sex, but you must be patient. First, start out walking her to class and not into doors and shit like that. Then progress to holding hands and then to a kiss. If you manage to get that far, holy shit you must pretty damn good at this. Get to the romantic kisses and hugs and crap and then you can make out, but don't try and inhale her face. If she let you get that far she's probably a whore so you can pretty much have sex with her now. Rushing it doesn't help either; it just makes the relationship end too quickly or makes it not enjoyable.

The Sex

Once you have gained her absolute trust and she almost worships you, then you can have sex. Just make sure your parents or her parents aren’t around and don’t do it in the school cafeteria, that’s worse than eating off of the floor. Oh yeah, don’t forget what Van Wilder says, “Don’t be a fool. Don’t wrap your tool.” It really takes away from everything when you use a condom. And if she seems like she knows what she's doing, she's not likely not a virgin and you must find out why; otherwise, make it so good that she calls you a sex god. Know how deep, how hard and how much she likes and that will get you the title of sex god.