HowTo:Become Writer of the Month

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Writer of the Month: Perhaps the greatest award any Uncyclopedian can ever hope to receive. In the imagination of one who has not won this treasured prize of all prizes, the feeling of triumph and glory is the equivalent of having something triumphant and glorious. However, few have actually won the award. To alleviate this problem, Uncyclopedia is officially publishing a secret guide for winning Writer of the Month, to read any time at your leisure.

The secret is: to become Writer of the Month, one must write out, in English, the name of the current month, henceforth becoming the "writer of the month". It may sound simple, but this is in fact a daunting task that has slain many Writers of Mere Weeks or Days.

So, as a sample, we shall spell out the month name September, one of the very longest month names. Writing out the month name September is NOT advised for beginners, and the weak-willed should begin with something smaller like May to prevent heart attacks or birth defects. Remember, this is only a sample, and writing "September" will not qualify you for Writer of the Month in any month except September. Copy/pasting the month name counts as cheating.

Step 1

Type the first letter of the month, in this case "S". Under some circumstances, particularly those when a computer is not readily available, one may choose to use a pen, pencil or other writing utensil.

Remember that you are not writing a "Z". Zs and Ss are often confused due to their similar shape and sound. As "Zeptember" is not a month, submitting it is strictly against the rules and would result in an immediate disqualification and public humiliation.

So far, your month name should look like this:

 S

If not, please turn in your test now. You have failed.

Step 2

The next letter is a vowel, specifically "E". Keep in mind that the "E" should not be capitalized, as it is in the quotes to the left, but should be lowercased to look like an "e". This is not mandatory, but style is a plus with the WotM judges. Additionally, ALL CAPS are generally frowned upon by those with brows higher than your own.

So far, your month name should look like this:

 Se

Step 3

The next letter is "P". It's worth noting that the (lowercase) "p" stretches further than both an "S" and an "e". Try not to laugh too hard at the thought of how "p" sounds like "pee"; not only will you only distract yourself, but giggling is considered poor form.

So far, your month name should look like this:

 Sep

Step 4

The next letter is "T". Do not forget to cross the top of your "t", and make sure that you did not reverse the letter to make a "J".

So far, your month name should look like this:

 Sept

As a diverting sidenote, "sept" is the French word for seven, even though September isn't the seventh month. Weird, huh?

Step 5

The next letter is another vowel, specifically "E". As you have already added an "e" (refer to Step 2), no instruction should be necessary.

So far, your month name should look like this:

 Septe

Take a break

Good job! You are more than half of the way there. As such, it is advisable to rest your hands, as overworking your fingers can cause considerable health risks. It is also advisable to take a short break to prevent your hands from tiring, as typing on a keyboard for prolonged amounts of time can result in exhaustion.

Just breathe deeply. Lay back. To relax, dip your hands in warm water. Hire a physical therapist and a chiropractor. All finished? Good.

Step 6

The next letter is "M". A good "m" should have two of those little humps, and not one like an "n" or three like an mn. Work on perfecting the proper curvature of an "m", or steal your friend's protractor.

So far, your month name should look like this:

 Septem

Uh oh

Suppose you make a mistake.

 Septemxjyvcdsfhqwgadskpol
               ↑
            Mistake

Perhaps it was a slip of the fingers in a a moment of excitement. Perhaps your keyboard is broken and must be replaced. Dare we say it, it is even your rivals conspiring against you and sabotaging your computer. This is why we told you to work it slow.

Do not worry or destroy anything in a moment of frustration. Everything is under control. By a lucky twist of fate in your favor, most keyboards come installed with a "Backspace" key. Press it as many times as is required to remove your accident, but DO NOT erase previous work. If you do, by chance, remove all or most of your previous work, start over.

Because of the multiple and fascinating dangers of the Backspace key, it is advised to simply cross out the offending error.

So far, your month name should look like this:

 Septemxjyvcdsfhqwgadskpol

Step 7

The next letter is "B". Think of it like an "m" leaning on its side for sleep or a smoke, but with a vertical bar painfully wedged into its side like a piece of shrapnel.

So far, your month name should look like this:

 Septemxjyvcdsfhqwgadskpolb

Step 8

The penultimate letter is the oft-repeated "E". You should know how to do this one by now, you dependent slug.

So far, your month name should look like this:

 Septemxjyvcdsfhqwgadskpolbe

THE LAST STEP

The final letter is an "R". Think of it like an "m" leaning on its side for sleep or a smoke, but with a vertical bar painfully wedged into its side like a piece of shrapnel, and with one of its legs cut off. In fact, think of our friend R as a disgruntled Vietnam War veteran with a bone to pick with the world.

Remember, this is the last letter. This is not the time for an error of any kind. Don't mess it up. Don't be Stupid. Steady hands. Precision aiming. Empty bladder.

Your month name should look like this:

 Septemxjyvcdsfhqwgadskpolber

Erase your mistakes, if any, and you should have this:

 September

Congratulations!

You have successfully written a month, and are now awarded the full bragging rights and privileges of entitled to a Writer of the Month! Here's your award:

Writer of the Month September 2024

Don't spend it all in one place, and remember to replace that potato in the trophy every two weeks. After a while it gets kinda icky.