Slug
“AAAAAAAUGGGHHH!!!”
“In Russia they have houses...”
| Land owner slugs | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Mollusca |
| Class | of 1890 |
| Order | Meanotherbeer |
| Family | Anasiduhfries |
| Genus | Prettypathetic |
| Species | Gastronomic |
| Binomial name | |
| Fred | |
| Specifications | |
| Primary armament | slime |
| Secondary armament | Yeccch! |
| Health | 0.00015 |
| Mana | 19.7 |
| Strength | super |
| Intelligence | -345 |
| Weight | .15 grams dry to 95 tonnes wet |
| Length | .1 mm to 23 cm |
| Special attack | apophallation |
Slugs are gastronomic molluscs without shells who are all called William and are considered to be the "poor cousins" of snails, because they do not have their own mobile homes and are too dumb to use protection. The loss of the shell is a deliberate characteristic adopted in the late 1890's by an environmentally concerned group of snails as an energy conservation measure. The same basic body design has independently evolved several times, making slugs a prettypathetic group. Although they undergo torsion (180 degree twisting of internal organs) during development, their bodies are streamlined and worm-like, and so show little external evidence of it. Slugs include both marine and terrestrial species. The main group of marine or see slugs are the nudibranchs. However, the ecological information in the article below applies mainly to land-owner slugs.
The soft, slimy bodies of slugs are prone to dehydration, so land-living slugs prefer to spend most of their lives in moisture replenishing environments such as bars, taverns, soda fountains, beer parlours, pubs or other establishments where considerable liquid refreshment is readily available.
The banana slug is the state bird of Oregon.[1]
Economic importance[edit]
Slugs are often used to make bullets, missiles, and alcoholic drinks. All of which are potentially lethal. Slugs are also used for punching people, which can be a pleasant experience, but not for the punchee.[2]
History[edit]
Slugs are often considered by many humans to be "disgusting" and "ugly", and are thus disliked by almost everybody. However, few humans actually realise that slugs are in fact one of the most highly emotional creatures in the world, and are deeply hurt by the regular insults made against them. One can often find a slug leaving behind a trail of tears on the garden path, particularly when the said slug feels it is being continually stared and smirked at. These tears are said to be poisonous to anyone who touches them. However this fact cannot be proven, as no volunteers can be found who will willingly go anywhere near the trails. Hence, so as not to risk the lives of any fellow human being, it has become an accepted fact that slug tears are indeed the most dangerous substance known to mankind. Okay, so really that is not true. The trails are left behind as a scent for other slugs to follow to food. Being the emotional creatures indicated above lends them to be emotional eaters perhaps.
The Great Slug Revolt[edit]
Winston Churchill declared that if humans did not stop mocking slugs and refused to live alongside them in peace, they would soon revolt and attempt to take over the world. As he was right about the Nazis and the Russians, proof is also emerging that he is correct about the slugs – reports of an army of slugs taking over local gardens and allotments are becoming more and more regular. Shockingly, some people have even reported slugs intruding their own houses, staining the walls with their poisonous tears of death. If they are able to break into houses, then there is a worryingly high risk that they will also break into top military barracks and airfields. By 2028, slugs are predicted to evolve drastically, and bomb all major cities and industries with stolen stealth fighters in an attempt to eradicate slugkind’s only weakness – the slug pellet. However, in order to keep the public calm, the government often regards such claims as ridiculous. The government is preparing to increase the production of slug pellets tenfold by the year 2010.
Cash Munching Slug (CMS)[edit]
A CMS is a form of slug found in an office. They tend to check Facebook a lot and hang around the watercooler rather than doing any actual work. Occasionally their employer will walk into the office and hear the sound of munching, the sound of all the CMSs munching his cash.
Diaries of a potential slug[edit]
- Note: This article was originally located at http://wiki.blitzed.org/User:Tramtrist and images have been left there.
“I repeat: Slugs are killed by salt. I am impervious to salt. Therefore I am not a slug.”
“Once again... I sleep in salt. Salt has no affect on me whatsoever. Therefore, I am not a slug. If the salt were to affect me I would have to consider myself a slug.”
The tail of the slug is very sensitive to salt. I do not have a tail like a slug. If I did have a tail like a slug it would be impervious to a large amount of salt. Therefore my non-existent tail and the rest of me are not a slug. Slugs have tails and are not impervious to the effects of salt. I show no visible effects to salt. Therefore, I am not a slug. Slugs.
( | ( |
\`-.\`.__
\_ `\ `.``~-.
|, ' , `.
/, , \
| |
/ / <--------------- NOT ME
/ __ /
`-~-~ \_.--. /
| (
/ `-.
| `-.
| `..__ )\
\ `._`-. .-` `-._
`-._ _> `` _/`. \
``~~--.....-~`_..-`.`` ``~`
```
/^\ /^\
{ O} { O}
\ / \ /
// // ___________
// // / I /
/ ~----~/ / am a /
/ \ / S L U G /
| \________) ---___________/
| /
| | _/-----------\_
| \ __./~ ~-_
\ ~\.
.| ~-_
/______________________________________~~____
Slugs. Upon further investigation and a multitude of very painful and extraordinary tests I have reached the conclusion that my eyes may indeed be susceptible to salt irritation. Therefore the status of my eyes orientation in regards to being slugs or having slug qualities has come into question. My eyes may be slugs. My eyes do not appear to be impervious to salt. Upon pouring full containers of salt into my eyes and waiting for the results I noticed their tendency to burn and bleed profusely. This experiement has left me blind in my right eye while taking all of the color out of my left iris. While being susceptible to salt is a concern of mine a further concern is the idea that slugs may be living in the sockets formerly occupied by my eyes. More experimentation in the future should yield results as to the orientation of the slug factor of my eyes. Slugs will not overcome me and I refuse to believe my eyes have slug characteristsics. Slugs will not overcome. Slugs.
@)@)
_|_|
_(___,`\ _,--------------._ <---- DEFINITELY NOT ME
\`==` *-_,' O `~._
`, : O } `~._
`\ - _ O `~._
| ; - - " ; O. (trail of slime:)
| O O \#|##### ######
\ _,-:""""""'`:-._ - . O \################
`""""""~'` `._ " `.#### #### ####
"""""""-. - \#############
"""""'\# ### ####
Banana Slug’s Song
I enter the forest
like into a temple
There is a Purple Thistle
at the entrance
and the moss on the Alder tree
is so soft.
Spiders made webs
on the path
between Sword Ferns:
connecting and trapping.
I wait for my senses
to get adjusted to a different world:
light is diffused,
in moisture, sounds,
mushrooms, soil.
This is the song of a Banana Slug:
To pause,
to dream,
to wait for a vision;
this is the dance
of a Banana Slug.
by Hirsh Diamant
slug slug, slug slug, watcha gonna do.. watcha gonna do when iv salted you..
\ /
\ /
\____/
/ __\
| / ..\
| \_/\/
__| ___\
/ \ \
/ | \ |
\__\________/
My research into my own slug orientation has taken a turn since the ferocious 'EYE SALT' test conducted a week ago. I have undertaken new strategies and have come up with new plans for more refined tests. It has been learned that certain females of the human species become disgsted at the sight of mucus and other such slug like characteristsics. Therefore, I have placed myself in plain site of many of these creatures. One such test involved letting a woman (who had once vomitted at stepping on one fortunate slug) step on me, so as to determine whether or not the step would produce vomitting as it had when she encountered the slug. These results were as follows:
1. Woman Steps on Me
2. Woman breaks Foot.
3. Woman Vomits
4. Woman Explodes
These results have absolutely no affect on my perceived slug orientation. I am now preparing other tests which may or may not prove whether or not I, or any part of me is a slug. Slugs have been fueling vomit episodes for many millenia. Slugs have been efficient in their Jihad against me so far. Slugs will not win the war however. Slugs cause vomit. I cause vomit. I also cause explosions. Therefore, I could be a slug. I could also be a super slug capable of destroying all women who step on me. Slugs will not overcome. Slugs.
Slugs are a great evil no doubt, and an evil to be avoided as much as possible. They will not stand.[edit]
I looked and behold, I saw a giant slug and he that rode upon him was death and Hell followed with him.
Further Investigations[edit]
A super slug could devour an entire field of cabbage in a single sitting. I can only ingest 1.5 heads of cabbage before suffering severe gastro-intestinal distress. To my knowledge, slugs have no intestines. I am not a super slug. Slugs.
Slugs have protruding tentacles or antennae. A series of tests and small incisions across my scalp have shown that I do not have tentacles or antennae. This can be considered conclusive and final evidence that I am not a slug. Slugs.
Small lumps have formed beneath the incisions. This is not a budding antenna or tentacle. When touched, the affected areas do not retract. I have covered the area in salt. It burns beneath the surface. This is not proof that I am a slug. I will conduct further tests. Slugs.
Morphology[edit]
Slugs masturbate using their radula, a rough, tongue-like organ with many tiny tooth-like denticles which they tend to rip off and leave under their pillows for the tooth-fairy.
Like snails, slugs have two pairs of 'feelers' or tentacles on their head. The upper pair--optical tentacles--are light sensors; the lower pair are heavy sensors and being smelly sensors, provide the slug with olfactory capabilities. Both pairs are retractable and can be regrown if lost. On top of the slug, behind the head, is the saddle-shaped mantle, and under this are the anus and 'andee' or genital opening. The mantle also has a hole, the pneumostome, for respiration.
The slug moves by rhythmic muscular action of its foot. It gets along very well with rap and hip-hop, but runs into trouble when it comes to the two-step.
Taxonomy[edit]
See slugs belong to the suborder Nudibranchia (order Opistonmyboot).
Land-owner slugs mostly belong to the suborder Anasiduhfries (order Meanotherbeer).
Among the various species of land-owner slug are the new york field slug, Donaldas retrumpulus; the pay phone slug, Areyu horneystil; the leotard slug, Slipus maximus; and the banana split slug, Calorimax dairyqueenanenus.
Ecology and behaviour[edit]
Most slugs eat leaves, takes, fungus, boringgus and most disgusting vegetables except for little baby corn cobs. Some are predators and most also eat carrion as well as carrioff foods.
Frogs, toads, politicians, bureaucrats, senior public servants, lawyers, hedgehogs, and some birds and beetles are natural slug predators. Slugs, when attacked, can contract their body, making themselves harder and more compact and thus more difficult for many animals to get hold of. The unpleasant taste of the mucus is also a deterrent to most of the predators except lawyers.
Mucus[edit]
Slugs produce two types of mucus: one which is thin and watery, and another which is thick and sticky. Both are hygroscopic. The thin mucus is spread out from the centre of the foot to the edges. The thick mucus spreads out from front to back.
Mucus is very important to slugs as it provides them with a regular source of income which pays for their transportation expenses. The thin watery type is what is used to make water slides so slippery and the thicky sticky stuff is used to keep the crispy coating on a popular commercial brand of fried chicken made famous by a former confederate army officer. Mucus which is not sold provides protection against predators and helps retain moisture. Some species use slime cords to lower themselves on to the ground, or suspend from them during copulation.
Slug mucus from the common dalmatian four-legged horned grass-eating slug (Bos taurus) is the focus of intensive scientific research as it is discovered to be nutritious for human children. It can also be used to make thicker delicious slug mucus, or an even more delicious solidified yellow slug mucus that smells. The latter is often sliced into pieces and placed between bread or eaten with Red Wine by snotty people with french accents.[3]
Reproduction[edit]
Slugs are hermaphroditic: which means that, having both female and male reproductive organs, they can get it off with themselves. Even so, they do enjoy pairing up with another and will look for other slugs with which they can have a sperm exchange. A few days later around 30 eggs are laid into a hole in the ground. Although some species hibernate underground during the winter in temperate climates, in other species, the adults die in the autumn and the children, after the funeral, go to a warmer climate to spend their inheritance.
A commonly seen practice among many slugs is apophallation, when one or both of the slugs nibble on the other's penis. The penis of these species is curled like a cork-screw and often becomes entangled in their mate's genitalia in the process of exchanging sperm. When they start nibbling they often become so excited they chew right through the appendage. Apophallation then allows the slugs to separate themselves. Once the penis has been removed, the slug remains female for the rest of its (her?) life.
Various species of slug can also reproduce via tiny "darts" of sperm which they fling in the direction of their mate's genitalia.
Trailer Trash Slugs[edit]
Some slugs are known to take their homes with them. They travel from mining town to mining town, waiting for their credit to go from bad to worse to abysmal to biblical, eating stale cheetos and ignoring their kids, who like to go out and do things with very expensive consequences to the taxpayer like getting bitten by snakes and becoming paralyzed so that the government (AKA you) has to pay for their <c>socialist weasels</c> wheelchairs.
These mobile-home slugs are by and large not very bright, and some might even characterize them as "slow." Thusly, they are given the name "snails."
Contrary to popular belief over at wiki"child molestation"pedia, slugs and snails are in fact the same population, with the snails being the "SUV's" and "18-wheelers" of the insect world and the slugs being the sleeker, faster, "Sport" models.
All come in gloss black with a camel leather interior, 6-CD changer, power steering, locks, and windows, GPS, 17" Alloy Wheelz, Spoilers, and a good 5 to 7 cupholders depending upon the model.
organisations[edit]
when you see salt on the path, its not to melt the ice, its to cause pain to the slugs. there is an organisation of twits who like to pour salt on slugs to see what happens. what happens is the slugs burst into flammes and go "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEEEE! the then usually a splode. when the twits cannot find any slugs to salt, the resort to salting each others eyes. (which incidentally also burst into flames). recently life has got harder for the twits as the slugs are now armed with sniper rifels.
Pets[edit]
Some slugs are notable domestic pets and there are various methods of training them (see Training of slugs), such as slug pellets, ping-pong paddles, beer nuts, pretzels, and slug obedience schools
Care should be taken when consuming drugs with slugs. In certain cases humans have contracted parasite-induced meningitis from eating slaw rugs [4].
Slug Jokes[edit]
- Q. If a male slug is called a slim what would your call a female? A. A slur
- Q. What did one slug ask its mate after apophallation? A. Was it as tasty for you as it was for me?
References[edit]
- ↑ Bob said so.
- ↑ Unpopular Science Issue XV (April 45, 1976) "Slugs, and how they can clog up your osterizer. Free sticker inside!"
- ↑ Louis Pasteur (1842). The marvelouse slugge mucuos whicheth I propotheth be calld 'Melk'. Journale of Medievale Medicin and Torture. 4 (7) 12–2.
- ↑ Health and Medicals News - Man's brain infested by eating with slugs
See also[edit]
- Apophallation
- Rotten slugs
- Banana split slug
- New York Field Slug
- The Pay Phone Slug
- The Leotard Slug
- Sea slug
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This page was originally sporked from Wikipedia: Slug. |