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It's all important work you understand

“No..no...not them! No...!!”

~ Human Being on Bureaucrats

“A Bureaucrat makes a man want to gag over his salad”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bureaucrats

The bureaucrat is the lowest form of life. This is not true because the lowest form of life is actually the junior-grade bureaucrat. A bureaucrat is the most dangerous creature inhabiting the known universe. They exist to make life easy, but fail spectacularly and the institution has devolved into a type of cave dwelling creatures who delight in misery and suffering and see that as much of it as possible is brought into the world. It is thought that the bureaucrats are an alien life form, visiting us to enslave us or provide food for them. Another theory suggests that the Bureaucrats are an offshoot of the human race, a product of some sort of gay union between Hitler and Stalin. Thus, Bureaucrats are best described as 'Commie-Nazis'.


A bureaucrat on the outside looks like any normal Human being. Do not be fooled. A bureaucrat’s true appearance would kill you instantly by retrograde testicular implosion or ovary conflagration. To prevent this, the bureaucrat takes the form of a middle aged male and appears as neutral as possible. This is a useful tactic because it keeps prey alive for pleasure and play.

Life Cycle[edit]

A Bureaucrat in its true form

The evolution of the bureaucrat from birth to old age takes in various stages:


A baby bureaucrat is known as a bureaurat. They are birthed from a great hive mother from slime covered eggs, deep in the vaults of the central bureaucracy. They are fed on liquid fear, farmed from captive Humans. The bureaurats gorge themselves, swelling several times in size, with their forked tongues lashing the incarcerated.


The bureaurats reach peak size at 15 years of age. In the meantime, they have been trained in techniques designed to extract as much pain from an individual by any means. Between that and their adulthood, the bureaurats will design forms, letters, websites and methods for the bureaucracy to use to bring new types of pain upon the Human race.


The bureaucrat leaves the hive net at 20 standard years of age, the last two years of his life devoted to ‘patterning and integration’ so as to make him alike to a human in every possible way. They then take up positions and specialise in bureaucracy, bringing torment to their victims.

Old age[edit]

When it comes to the time to retire, the money the bureaucrat has earned will go back to the hive, along with the bureaucrat. The bureaucrat then ‘melds’ with the hive, reducing itself into a gruel to feed the next batch of young, and exchanging genetic information with the over mind, to help raise the next generation of bureaurats.


A building inspector is one of the most feared forms of the Bureaucrat lifeform.

There are many types of bureaucrat. Some of the more common types are listed below:

The office worker (Drone)[edit]

This type of bureaucrat will sit in an office at the central bureaucracy filling and collating all the information sent to it by other bureaucrats and processing the forms sent by Humans. It has little contact with the outside world, instead preferring to sleep with its siblings in the lower vaults. This job is usually reserved for defective bureaucrats who cannot easily blend in with Humans or often believe they are humans. No mercy is shown to this bureaucrat. Often they leak slime or have wayward social tendencies. They are all fitted with explosive collars as standard to prevent any ideas of leaving the hive.

The building inspector (Harvester)[edit]

This bureaucrat will leave the hive on contractual work for the Human race. They will survey buildings, sticking to the rules and guidelines. They have a built-in patronising tone to alienate the listener. They harvest the most pain from Humans, although concentrated pain has been known to kill the person in question. It is said that getting a successful planning application through a building inspector is like getting blood from a vacuum.

Known weaponry[edit]

Planning Permission[edit]

A deadly combination of strict guidelines and ruthless adherence to them will reduce as full grown Human to tears as they try in vain to negotiate the forms and save money and time. If one of the more favoured weapons among bureaucrats as it is ruthless and effective

Fill out in Triplicate[edit]

A common clause on all public forms. Turns registering a new born child from a 10 minute job into a 24 hour marathon with no end in sight. Excellent for keeping the prey fresh. Suicides are common in a community after a strain of this.

The Health Inspection[edit]

A tool commonly used to capture new victims and their families. A deadly tool when in the wrong hands. It has been known to collapse entire governments. If a desirable location or business is found, a bureacrat drone will visit during the dead of night and plant and infestation of cockroaches to help fail the test. To help, the urine and faeces left will contribute to the failure of the inspection.

The Audit[edit]

The equivalent of the nuclear bomb. Its use can render entire businesses under bureaucracy control. Assets can be seized at will and people taken into custody for fear pumping. A good, controlled use of the Audit will easily provide enough fear-food to set up another hive in a new location. A windfall of currenct will also grace the central bureaucracy and so help fund more devious enterprises.

Killing a bureaucrat[edit]

The only known way to kill a bureaucrat is to directly attack it with the twin swords of inefficiency and the Conservative Party. A direct attack should be fielded on the hive. Only then will the parasitic growth on society truly fade away. It needs to be treated promptly with salt and pepper and a ritual goat should be sacrificed to a local deity. All corpses should be immediately burned over old Shakespeare manuscripts.

See Also[edit]