Hitlerburger
“Mein Burger ist ein Kugelschreiber!”
“It's Holocaustastic!”
“How I love to eat at Hitlerburger. It's grrrrrrrrrreat!”
HitlerBurgerBurgerHitler (also known as HitlerBurger or McFührer in some locales) was a failed attempt by Nazi Germany to enter the fast food market.
Background[edit]
In an attempt to bolster the floundering German economy, still reeling from the Cola Wars of the 1830s, Adolf Hitler traveled to the recently annexed Burgonia to consult with leaders of the House of Burger (the Burgermeister) concerning marketing delicacies of the Reich upon the masses, thus garnering tons of phat loot to power the war machine Hitler was building in his treehouse. Initially, the Burgers were reluctant, but after Hitler brought in Luca Brasi, they quickly agreed to the concept.
The first HitlerBurger was opened in 1897 in a small Munich house that used to be a brothel for aged Swiss goats. Hitler himself oversaw the operation and instituted such innovations as the neat and clean uniform (the brown shirts better hid the grease stains), the assembly-line method of food preparation, and little paper Stars of David and pink triangles to identify trainees and managers.
Locals were initially curious, but once they tried the fare, they quickly became addicted to the greasy food and the inflammatory rhetoric printed on the wrappers of the burgers. In fact, the residents of Munich quickly began to refer to themselves as "Munchener" because they were almost constantly munching HitlerBurger products.
By 1905, HitlerBurger had over 300 restaurants in Bavaria, and their slogan at the time was "If you don't join the party, we'll come and get you!"
1909 saw the first drive-thru HitlerBurger restaurant, but the issues of horse droppings quickly closed it down.
World War I[edit]
The onset of World War I created a significant slump in HitlerBurger's profits, especially since Hitler volunteered to fight for the Turks. Upon his return, Hitler was insistent on a new product made out of ground-up Armenians which he called the Genozidsandwich, or Genocide Burger, which he swore was "Genocidelicious." However, after being sedated and fed an IV of Oktoberfest beer he came to his senses, realizing that Germans would never agree to eating filthy Armenians unless faced with starvation.
This is when he turned his attention to the Jews as both the enemy of Aryan folk and a potential food source. Prior, a bunch of mammoths ate all the burgers temporaraly ruining the company. With Germany running out of food for the war, Hitler decided to use Jews as an alternative source of "green" energy.
Post World War I[edit]
During the Beer Hall Putsch, Hitler and Herman Goring thought of an idea to make Germany for the Germans. They found guns, but Goring shot Hitler's big toe. They both went to jail. See Hitler's comment below:
“Goring, you schnoodleflap! Ich shall get rid of you fery soon”
While he was in Jail, Hitler learned to write using pencils so he wrote Mein Kampf. He then went back to Hitlerburger and poisoned the hamburgers sold to Jews, Gypsies, and Blacks.
Conflict with Burgonia[edit]
After the release of Mein Kampf, Hitler's incredibly boring tirade about everything that annoyed him, from hangnails to fruit flies to the Jews and Communists, and how grinding your enemies into delicious hamburgers would solve the world's ills, the Burgonia Royal Family attempted to distance themselves from Hitler, going to far as to hire Mr. T as protection against the increasingly deranged Fuhrer. In what is still considered a strikingly brilliant maneuver, Hitler offered to fly Mr. T to Bavaria to negotiate, knowing his mortal fear of air travel. Mr. T quickly fled for Mars to wait for the passing of hostilities.
World War II[edit]
The onset of World War II proved to be the most profitable time in HitlerBurger history, as the now total control of the German state resulted in an almost endless supply of Jewish and commie meat for the HitlerBurgerGrindHaus at no cost to them. By 1944, the war was turning and meat sources quickly became scarce. Hitler resorted to grinding up shoes, clothes, insects, and dirt into the mix, which resulted in a collapse of the chain's following and subsequent destruction of the Nazi regime.
Postwar Collapse and Rebirth[edit]
After Hitler's defeat in 1945, it seemed certain that the HitlerBurger chain would go the same route as Hitler's other failed ideas, like the Naziland Amusement Park, Himmlerbuck's Coffee and Hermann Göring's Bar-B-Q Pit which featured the marginally successful "Side of von Ribbentrops". And for several aeons it seemed to be the case, until Yasser Arafat ululated in a Munich strip joint that he wanted to resurrect the now-defunct company and open a branch in Palestine.
After 30 minutes of painstaking research, he managed to talk Dick Clark into co-signing the loan to open up shop, where he gave the traditional German fare of dead Jews and Soviets a Middle-Eastern touch by serving his enemies ground into hummus, fried in falafels and garnishing dishes with local fruits and camel dung. HitlerBurger ads in the region also feature Hizburglah, a group of fanatical believers in HitlerBurger who often blow themselves up over how delicious the dead Jews are.
HitlerBurger also has a seen a surge in popularity in Thailand as of late. The current ruling military junta worked with the Palestinian government to open up shop in the country, and also give the traditional German fare of dead Jews and Soviets a Thai touch by serving disobyers of the lèse majesté laws ground up into toppings on Thai curry and several exclusive menu items such as "Führer Tom Kha Kai" and distilled Siamese cat urine for alcoholic beverages. Si and Am were also involved in HitlerBurger's opening in Thailand, and as a result burgers made from dead dogs are also served. HitlerBurger ads in the region features Praburger Chan-o-chopsticks, a HitlerBurger-loving Royal Thai Army officer who conquers locales in Thailand because of how tasty the dead Jews and Soviets are.
HitlerBurger restaurants also exist in Lebanon, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and the Gaza Strip, with ads also featuring not only Hizburglah, but Ali Khamburgernei, a HitlerBurger-obsessed Islamic scholar who is the Iranian adaptation of Praburger Chan-o-chopsticks, and of whom enjoys personally executing Jews to make the burgers.
For years, HitlerBurger has won thousands of awards from the House Un-American Activities Committee and was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.