Harvest Moon: Back To Nature
“The question is: 'Would I waste my precious time playing a farming simulation?'. And the answer is: 'No, no, now go away.' I've got far better things to do anyway, like making up more quotes for the kids on this website to use in reference to Chuck Norris, or something.”
“A game about farming? O RLY? Well, in my day, we had STICKBALL! We didn't do the farmin' and the farmin' with the farmin' on the farmin'...”
“I am sick of putting these motherfuckin' chickens in the motherfuckin' coop!”
“Leave me alone! I'm playing Animal Crossing!”
“Harrrrrrvest Moon! Har har harrrrrr!”
Harvest Moon: Back To Nature is just one out of way too many farming simulation games released by Marvelous Dong Interactive (Joystick controls my left ear) and Not For Me Inc.. Why a farming simulation game? Only the Space Pope knows.
Harvest Moon: Back To Nature has been rated Not Safe For Anyone by the ESRB.
It Ain't Got No Backstory[edit]
In this installment, you still play as a farmer who decides to leave a good life in the city to move to a farming community named Mineral Town and farm. Said farmer is a total poser, however, and thus must learn how to farm half right or face being driven out of town by an angry mob brandishing meat cleavers, rusty bayonettes, and of course, pitchforks and torches. Do well, and you become Master of the Universe, much like He-Man, until you realize that you beat a farming sim and nobody cares.
How To Play The Game[edit]
In order to play Harvest Moon: Back To Nature, players must press lots of buttons in order to progress through the game. There are many challenges players must face, such as hurricanes, rusty tools, disgruntled chickens, labor-union organized farm hands, and of course, Lord Voldemort.
Running Your Farm[edit]
Players start with a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and are given three years to turn it into a prosperous farm. After whining about the task set before for two years, you then rush to harvest as many turnips, ears of corn, green peppers, and perhaps parsnips, while the rest of the town watches and makes fun of you. In addition to growing crops, farmers must care for sheep, cows, elephants, chickens, tasmanian devils, Olsen Twins, vicious rabbits, fish, O RLY owls, dogs, cats, young blushing virgins, and the youth of America. To start, you have a bunch of rusty tools and a stupid pair of overalls that makes you almost look like a farmer. As the game progresses, you acquire better tools, super insulated underwear that makes you leap over the tallest buildings in a single bound, a pimpmobile, and a spork (used for fighting off wild dogs that try to eat your chickens and your legs).
Also as the game progresses, you might end up making profits from farming. You can use these profits to remodel your house from a humble crack shack to a not-so-humble crack mansion. Then you can overrun the town and force all the townsfolk to worship you, because money = power, and the mayor of the town is really just a figurehead and can't actually do anything about your power trip anyhow. Later on, you acquire a spaceship and battle evil whalers on the moon by hurling your turnip crops at them.
Of course, things would be a LOT easier if you enslave these little "Harvest Sprites" which you could hypnotize by giving them lots of flour (or flower in Japanese spelling), which they probably use for baking those marijuana-filled brownies.
Your Player[edit]
Players control the aforementioned poser farmer, and get to name him whatever they wish. Jack is often a popular choice, while other fun choices include Mariah, Snape the Great, Garfunkel, Glarganel, Samuel L. Jackson, Dumbledore, Buck Naked, Makoto McWankypants, 50 Cent, Batman, Getmethefuckouttathisgame, Samurai Jack, Super Grover, Jesus, Voltaire, Kool-Aid Man, Bono, Eminem, and King Jack VII.
Controls[edit]
The control system in Harvest Moon: Back to Nature has been considered revolutionary. Much like Tetris, players are to click buttons to do things. Using the clicking button technology, Marvelous Dong Interactive has created a revolutionary gaming experience.
Cast Of Characters[edit]
Characters come in four varities: You, girls you can marry, guys you can't marry, and middle age people. They all have a dysfunction of some sort, but the neuroses are what make them great.
Girls You Can Marry[edit]
In Harvest Moon: Back To Nature, players get woo potential brides by stalking, drugging, learning Peter Frampton songs for serenading purposes, and giving loads of gifts that leaves players wondering where the girls put them. Although the prospects seem hopeless, hard work and persistence will eventually pay off, and you'll have a wife that stays in the house all day and does nothing whatsoever. And now comes the part of the article where we meet them.
- Ann- Talks lots about getting dirty, and then getting clean, and then getting dirty again. She works at the Inn, and has been known for slipping shots of lye into espresso. Afterwards, she laughs it off and claims she thought the lye was sambuca. Defining physical characteristics include red hair, and a tattoo of an M-80 on her left arm. She is extremely easy to woo once you pay off her father.
- Elli- Works at the clinic, where she dreams of one day meeting aliens, unless she's been confused with Ellie from the movie Contact. Aliens or not, Elli helps the sexy, sexy Doctor run the clinic, and has plans of kidnapping said sexy, sexy Doctor and playing doctor with him. You can spot her by her Pride and Prejudice garb, her short hair, and her scalpel, which is never far from her. She is easy to woo once you tempt her with a doobie.
- Karen- Is the town's drunk, though to her, slurred speech makes perfect sense. Although it would seem to be easy to woo her in her perpetual state of inebriation, she is actually the hardest to marry due to her refusal to have sex with you until you've given her loads of expensive wine, even though when she's drunk, she can't tell the difference and thus should shut up. She wears hiking boots, and claims her bangs are naturally blonde when really, they are not.
- Mary- Runs the town's library, alledgedly. Really though, she munches on loads of mushrooms and contemplates the number 42. Extremely smart, and extremely cool to emo kids because she wears thick-framed glasses. Really, though, she doesn't care for being a conformist little emo kid like the rest of the conformist little emo kids. Her hobbies include reading her favorite works of literature and writing smut. Once you tell her that her smut is "teh sexy", she'll gladly marry you.
- Popuri- Known for her vacant stare, super wai wai pink anime hair, and free spirit personality, Popuri is actually plotting to kill Harry Potter. Some say she is Lord Voldemort in disguise. Others say she pines for Graham Chapman, although he is dead. Others yet say that she wishes life were like Pee-Wee's Playhouse. And even more others say she wishes she were married to J.R. "Bob" Dobbs (a.k.a. God of YOU!!) Give her candy and you'll have a friend for life, after she stops singing "Iiiiii want candy!".
- Britney Spears_Known for her many marriages she is in a fragile state and will hop in the sack with you any time she can. By marrying her your benefits will include marijuana available for you to buy, a chance at a record that will not be a very good one at all and aids. You will have 3 kids two of which will not be your but after the very short marriage you will have complete custody of all your kids and half of the little money she has left.
Guys You Cannot Marry or Lock In a Trunk, Unfortunately[edit]
- Cliff- Having escaped from Alcatraz, Cliff Baron Von Baron IIV (also known as Cliff, and that is pronounced Cliff Baron Von Baron Reverse Seven, due to a printing error on his birth certificate) is on the run and has decided to stay in Mineral Town and set the world record for most bananas eaten in an hour. He has fallen in love with Ann because she reminds him of his little sister, thus leading many villagers to think his parents never taught him that incest is taboo.
- Doctor- Is a man with no name, because that name is Tiny Tim and he totally would rather be called Doctor. Hobbies include performing prostate exams and looking impassively impassive. However, he is the sexiest Doctor in ten countries, and because of this, Elli has made it her life's mission to steal his stethoscope and then laugh derisively at him, or something to that extent.
- Rick- Manhandles chickens for a living. He is Popuri's sister, who in turn is her brother, and has a penchant for drunk girls, i.e Karen. He can be found picking up chickens and putting them over there at Mineral Town's poultry ranch.
- Gray- Broods and whines and hates Mineral Town, until he meets Mary. Time not spent "reading" with Mary is spent getting his bare bottom whipped with a belt, courtesy of his old, smelly grandfather. Though with Mary, it isn't much different. Other hobbies include interpretive dance and crossdressing.
- Kai- A seafarer from afar who happens to have candy to give to Popuri, and thus, is Popuri's "bestest friend EVAR". He's well-know for picking up a new STD- er, souvenir- at every port he's visited.
- Oscar Wilde-Known heavily for people incredibly misquoting him. This sort of thing really pisses him off. This character is usually found at the graveyard screaming at graves on why people misquote him so much. This character is appartently known to be from another dimension, and is also an escaped convict from a mental instituition, this would explain why he is screaming at graves. Also, being from another dimension, he thinks it is still the 19th century and yells at everyone why are people riding around on steel cases with wheels, and why there are tin shells flying through the air with people inside.
Assorted Middle Aged People, Clergymen and Little Kids[edit]
- Anna- Has a penchant for cooking the farmer as stew meats, which does happen every so often.
- Basil- Thinks herbivores, including sickly vegans, are cute. Also enjoys snorting pollen in his spare time.
- Barley- Is very, very old and thinks he runs a ranch. Faintly resembles Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, but not Treat Williams.
- Carter- The pastor who's cooler than Trigun's Wolfwood. Current owner of eLay.
- Doug- Runs the Inn and tries to auction off his young daughter to rich men at every opportunity.
- Duke- The town's drunk before Karen took his title and made him cry. Plans on running for President in 2020. In a past life, he was married to Eris, but she got sick of his constant complaining and kicked him out.
- Ellen- Elli's very, very old grandmother, who long ago fought in the Battle of San Juan Hill alongside Batman.
- Gotz- A "rugged" woodsman who owns lots of canned soup, but not a can opener. Does not, contrary to popular belief, know the lyrics of the Lumberjack Song
- Greg- Hides out at the beach because he's the only black man in a backwoods town. Really, though, he's loads cooler than everyone else.
- Harris- The constable who meanders about town not catching crooks. He can be found in Gotz's house lending him a can opener.
- Jeff- Runs the Supermarket, and sells seeds that only you buy, and thus not making much business.
- Kano- Is a photographer who doesn't take pictures, as he has been instead programmed to yammer on incessantly about the Cher concerts he's been to.
- Lillia- A real sweetheart, and Mineral Town's resident rastafarian.
- Louis- A beekeeper who lives in Gotz's house, because the game makers forgot to program his home. He has a honey fetish, and can be found licking beehives with a swollen tongue.
- Manna- The town's chatterbox. Shut her up by gagging her with a jawbreaker and dumping her off at the pier. Cement shoes are a plus.
- May- The token little girl with a Lolita complex. Her favorite items are wine, red hooker lipstick, and pretty clothes she can wear to play "dress-up" with her "friends."
- Sasha- Jeff's dominatrix wife, who owns a crowbar and uses it to break the knees of deadbeats who owe the family money.
- Saibara- Gray's grandfather who forgot where he placed his razor, and thus thinks his beard is far cooler than Gandalf's.
- Stu- Elli's younger brother, who smells like cheese. He can be found ritually sacrificing sheep behind the clinic.
- Thomas- Mayor of Mineral Town, played by Kenny Baker. Cries "MIDGET POWER!!" after being discriminated against for his baldness.
- Won- A crooked salesmen and star of Death Of A Salesman. Porn peddler by day, accountant by night.
- Zack- A rip-off of Street Fighter's Guile who collects your crops and pays you in Monopoly money.
Festivals[edit]
In addition to farming, you can also attend festivals throughout the year, listed below:
- The Goddess Festival- Spring 8th- Going with Popuri gives you a 50% chance of getting to home plate. Going with Karen results in having her barf down your shirt.
- The Twit Olympics- Spring 11th- Watch as the town's biggest twits compete in the town's biggest games a la Monty Python. Events include Philosophy Soccer and of course, the 500-Meter Three-Legged Twit Dash.
- The Kentucky Derby- Spring 18th- Horses ride farmers in the most heartpounding race within a 300-foot radius.
- The "We Have Too Many Festivals" Day- Spring 20th- Another excuse for public drunkeness, complete with an after-dark orgy in the town square.
- The Cooking Festival- Spring 22nd- A well-renowned gourmet chef, that guy who says BAM! a lot, comes to town and eats the winner of the cooking contest.
- The Summer Orgy Festival- Summer 1st- Another orgy, this time at the beach. Bring a towel or you may have an unpleasant showering experience later.
- The Other Summer Orgy Festival- Summer 2nd- See above.
- The Cockfights- Summer 7th- Men throw chickens into the ring for a day of bloody fighting and general bawdiness. Held underground in case Harris shows up, the backstabbing bastard.
- The Super Happy X-Day Spectacular- Summer xth- Everyone gathers in the town square to hear words of wisdom from the Great Harvest God Wotan. If Popuri is there, she'll even get the X-ists to land in town and give everyone atomic wedgies before making all their heads asplode. To prevent the wool from being pulled over your eyes by someone else, send 3000 gold to JR "Bob" Dobbs, along with your puppy.
- The Cow Festival- Summer Whatever- The prized cow is miraculously turned into bacon.
- Fireworks Festival- Summer 24th- Also known as the End-of-Summer orgy. Players can ask Kai to the event to increase his erection.
- Music Festival- Fall 3rd- You're expected to learn how to play Bolero on the kazoo, or you'll be beheaded. Thankfully, you grow your head back the next day. It's not like you were using it anyway.
- Harvest Festival- Fall 9th- A potluck dinner that just opens the invitation to slipping in some LSD.
- Moon Viewing- Fall 13th- The harvest moon is full. Perfect romantic opportunity for drugging the girl of your dreams. With all luck, you can tell her she fell asleep in your arms and no, actually, you did not put a chicken in her pants and don't know what's she's talking about.
- Exploding Sheep Festival- Fall 19th- Save Mineral Town from exploding sheep, and stay for the bloodbath. Especially fun for Crusaders.
- All Hallowed Ween- Fall 32nd- You dress up as Snape or the Pope, or a Jedi, or something, if the festival even exists.
- X-Box Day- Winter 3rd- Ryu visits, so everyone must look busy. If you do good this day, Snake will give you a pack of Mentos and some Diet Coke. Yum.
- Winter Thanksgiving- Winter 14th- Players can graciously accept poisoned chocolates from girls. Popuri is known for just stabbing you on the spot if you don't die quickly enough, so you might want to tie her to a chair and tell her it's kinky in order to avoid a gruesome game over.
- Winter Orgy Festival- Winter 18th- Subzero temperatures be damned- Mineral Town needs another orgy.
- Festivus- Winter 25th- It's a Festivus for the restofus.
- New Year's Evil- Winter 30th- The apocalyse is among us. That explains the state of your farm at the beginning of the game.
- New Year's Day- Spring 1st- In order for the new year to come, the people of Mineral Town believe a virgin must be sacrified. That probably means your farmer, unless he's previously played "dress-up."
Endings[edit]
There are lots of possible endings to Harvest Moon: Back To Nature. Can you find them all? Probably if you have lots of time to kill.
Supreme Ruler Of Mineral Town Ending[edit]
You end up purchasing Mineral Town with the wild profits you made from farming and pimping. Then you are given the option of paving Mineral Town into a megamall or an airport. Or if you're very ambitious, you can campaign to have Mineral Town chosen to host the 2024 Olympics. If you're sucessful, Philosophy Soccer will become one of the events to be played for years to come.
CERTAIN DOOM!!11! Ending[edit]
If you're "teh worst framer EVAR!!1!", then a giant rock will appear. Hit it with your head 12 times to unlock the 8th key to the apacolypse. The rock will break, killing all your friends. Unfortunately, you have none. The old drunkie, Charlie the Unicorn, will appear and tell you of the time in 3rd grade his parents threw him in the river. He will then fall over from lead poisoning. Stick the key in his stomach. You will die.
ORGY[edit]
Yeah, baby, if you marry Cliff the game will end!!