Harvest Moon: Another Blunderful Wife
Harvest Moon: Another Blunderful Wife was based on the decision by publisher Natsume that, as 51% of the worlds agricultural workforce is female, economically advantaged girl gamers from industrialized countries would want to play a simulator centered around one of the 1% of land owners of their gender toiling in the fields for sustenance; which is stupid, and all gamers are either male or lesbians obsessed with giant anti gravity breast implants according to a recent study done by the Gamergate Institute of Higher Gaming. Anywho, this installment of the somewhat-popular series revolves around ANOTHER youth whose elderly male relative died and left them a farm to take care of. The plot twist this time is, the character can't pee standing up. A runaway hit (in Antarctica), Harvest Moon: Another Blunderful Wife taught the important lessons of teamwork, perserverence and spontaneous combustion.
Gameplay & Story[edit]
Harvest Moon: Another Wonderful Life is, as mentioned in the previous paragraph, in case you were to lazy to read it, jackass, a farming simulator. You play a young girl who decided to quit her job as a pole dancer/stripper to take up a peaceful life in a place known as Forget-Me-Please Valley. This valley is actually located in Chernobyl, Ukraine, and the super deformed bodies of characters are the result of severe nuclear exposure. In your first day on the farm, your pedophile farm hand, Takaru, invites you to blow some weed with him. You accept, and the screen blacks out to several days later. You awake with a harvest sprite jammed up your ass and continue on as if nothing had happened. Though most people would farm at this point, the easiest method to get money is really to whore yourself off along with the bar-girl, Muffy to the local men. If you choose this path, your lone cow will probbably commit suicide by jumping into the garbage shredder inside the barn (if not cleaned up, that mess will really start to stink after a few days). After raising enough money from your nightly endeavors, you can afford quite a few abortions. The first chapter ends after you realize that those abortions are doing quite a number on your figure and decide to keep the lil' bastard.
Bastards[edit]
The topic of dating and marrige is strongly stressed in this game, and sadly, watching two hot chicks use milkers on each other is not an option. You have three options on who to marry. These are:
Each of these are equally poor choices, but unless you want to order a Miracle Potion (Bull Sperm) for yourself, and have a baby minotaur, you have to get hitched with one of them. Then again, a baby minotaur would be pretty cool. In this version of the game, the men all act like women in that you have to give them flowers or other presents in order to cause them to like you, instead of merely walking past them, naked. Your character also turns barren soon after getting married, so you are left with only one living child. The others were used as fertilizer for your crops.
Bitches[edit]
You also have to deal with three women as competition (they seem sooo much hotter when they aren't backstabbing you and getting into slapping fights with you...Never mind, scratch that.). These bitches are:
- Celia the homocidal cannibal.
- Muffy the nymphomaniac alcoholic.
- Nami the lesbian, who finds you to be the only girl that she ISN'T attracted to.
As soon as you get married, the three decide to live among the tree frogs in the rainforests of Africa, for reasons unknown, although the plot hints at a sacred underground Jewel-Osco being buried there.
Challenges[edit]
The main challenge in this game is simply being a woman. Due to the fact that seasons last only ten days, and that your character takes 5 days to go through her menstrual cycle, this means that you are tasked with the enormous burden to cater to her needs, deal with an unresponsive controller, and have to change her tampons every few minutes. Due to the fact that an hour in-game is only a minute in real-time, if you don't run back home and pop in a fresh one, this happens....
As you can clearly see, doing any form of work during this time period is nearly impossible, and staying at home watching daytime soap operas is the only way for you not to watch that horrible gore. On the other hand, that spill makes a mighty fine way for old people to slip and die, which is always fun to watch. During these few days, you will have to plug a keyboard into your Gamecube controller slot and flood your character with compliments or else she will cry constantly. Once this extremely bloody and challenging cycle ends, you are left with a 100 pound chick who can barely do any farm work due to her pathetic physical strength. Really, simply playing the male version is much more practical.
Fanbase[edit]
This game received absolutely no fans aside from Oscar Wilde, due to its near impossible challenge and the fact that there are no known female gamers. In fact, the author of this article only bought it off a gypsy because it was said to summon the spirit of Genghis Kahn through his Gamecube. This rumor was proven false.
Reviews[edit]
Reviewers simply poured ketchup over a copy of Harvest Moon: A Blunderful Wife, put a thong on top of it, and subtracted 2 points from their original score in order to review this game.