Green Party (UK)

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Green logo.jpg
Green Party senior members thought the 2015 campaign poster was weak, but almost honest.

The Green Party is a British political party that represents the sanctimonious soil of society as a left-wing environmentalist, political party in England and Wales. Despite being one of the smaller parties in the United Kingdom political arena, the wider following spans the entire planet.

The party has one member in the House of Commons, Caroline Lucas, representing the constituency of Moss-on-Rye. Lucas, who gets watered daily by the Speaker, is a rubber plant from B & Q that was the Party Leader from 2008 until 2012. Lucas was succeeded by Natalie Bennett, a hybrid Erica-canaliculata or bushy evergreen shrub from Australia. Bennett was accidentally imported into the UK, via Barry Humphries' hold luggage, as part of Dame Edna Everage's Royal Variety dress. In 2016 the installation of a genetically modified Lucas-Bartley cross-pollinating, self-watering, rubber-hose and lighter than air discovery vehicle at the head of the party, saw the Lucas brand reinstated as the dominant genus across farms, oases and cow-pat loving commoners' hovels nationwide.


The Green Party was founded on, and takes its name from, the great planes of the Sahara during the Upper Paleolithic period (25,000 to 50,000 years ago), when the desert was 9,400,000 square kilometers of moist, fertile jungle.

Natalie Bennett arrived in the UK part of Dame Edna's Royal Variety Performance outfit.

Today's version of the Green Party was cultivated in 1990, when, in the previous year, the former Green Party was thinned-out into three splinter-parties: the Fungi Party, Don't Eat Your Greens Party and the Grass is Greener Party. The parties then re-merged to make the Salad Party; except the Grass is Greener Party, who thought things are better if they stayed on their side of the fence.

Some members of the Grass is Greener Party stared to think it would be better re-joining the Salad Party, others thought it better changing to the Grass Party. After a second split, the remaining Grass Party members fell in with the politically-central fringe plants, such as the Cannaboids Association and the Psilocybin Mushroom Alliance, and became less interested in politics and more interested in absorbing manure.

After several months, the Salad Party also found themselves having to reconsider their name, after supporters kept turning up to Salad Party conferences with wine, beer, cold meats and French dressing. In 1990, the vegetables finally agreed that the Green Party was the best name to take the party skyward, as it was a color not used by any of the other political parties, and prevented members of the public accidentally grazing on tender junior party members.


The Green Party hold a universal belief system that eclipses social, moral and political forms of any established structure, be it class, church or government. Based on the premise that "we have actually always done it this way", the biosphere of Earth transcends decades or generations, from the three month cycle of the desert Arabidopisis, to the mighty 40,000 quaking-aspen at Fishlake National Forest in Utah, dating back 80,000 years.

Of the many forms of human Greenism, the one best known in the West is the Ramblers and Cyclists Association. Its set-in-stone guiding principles of beard-scratching inward self-riteousness versus doctrine, of emphasis on the photosyntheitc and sprawling against the cerebral and structured, of obnoxious simplicity rather than linear 'logic', were written within the very DNA of the first slime, moss and plankton that inhabited prehistoric earth. This philisophy is the seedling of the modern Green movement, seized by the early woodlands and taken up by many turnips today.

We are the children of plants.

The Four Trunks of the Green Party are the root-and-branch statement of Green politics.

  • Ecological wisdom encapsulates the diverse teachings and philosophies of the Dalai Lama, Yoko Ono and Monty Don. Although much has been achieved in the area of plant-life rights, vegetarianism still plagues minorities in the eco-camps. Until the cycle of bigotry and fear that meat is non-essential; once died of natural causes, then passed through maggots, funghi and finally worms, is ended, this problem will continue to grow. Greens practice "meat is good", especially in pellet form from Fisons for all chloroformic voters, as reccomended by numerous gardening publications. Central tenets also include the need to reduce the negative impact of weeds, regular organic mulching and pruning.
  • Social justice reflects the general rejection of discrimination based on distinctions between species, gender (where applicable) and culture. The Green Party is egalitarian, in that they see great disparities in wealth or influence between the vegetables, minerals and the mammalanian rich. They believe that the disparity is caused by the lack of social institutions preventing the mobile from eating the static, picking it to sell for financial gain, or fettling it with tools to make a spear or a capitalist house. During the 2015 Annual Root-Vegetable Conference in Stockholm, a sugar beet from Swaffham Prior in Norfolk quoted Martin Luther King, Jr.: "I have a dream, that my cuttings will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the size of their greenhouse, the color and girth of their stalks, or by the flavor of their tubor."
  • Grassroots democracy is considered by the Greens as the only way to achieve social change. The Party constrain the powers of the Party Leader in favour of figurehead leaders or group spokesplants. This was supposed to prevent natural climbers such as the runner beans and wisteria, choking development by creating party bureaucracy.
  • Nonviolence is a fairly obvious movement for members that have no movement. Green philosophy draws heavily on the writings of both Tichmarsh and C.Z. Guest, which advocate measures by which both verbal and physical abuse of horticulture can be reduced by not reacting, putting down roots, or in extreme cases catching blight.

Other views

EU and NATO even provide the respected Green Party their own entrance.


The Green Party is committed to having passive armed forces, trained to hide behind a clipboard rather than sand bags. The Greens already have voiced major concerns about war's appalling health and safety record and has a strategy for making it safer. The Greens would seed a program of replacing soldiers rifles and RPG's, with pan-pipes and bongo-drums. They also intend pursuing immediate and unconditional removal of the Trident nuclear deterrent in favor of the Pitch-Fork deterrent. The Greens consider digging up beds is just an effective deterrent as global annihilation, and aerates the soil.

Drug Policy

Going against the spin-off Grass Parties policies, the Green Party is considering long prison sentences for burning marijuana and life imprisonment for turning it into cake. They will also ban abolish plant based alcoholic drinks. The Greens have an official Drugs Group that is considering de-criminalizing purely chemical based drugs, such as crystal meth, LSD and amphetamines.


The Greens have pledged to take the UK out of NATO unilaterally and join the Royal Horticultural Society.

Referendum on the European Union

The party supports a referendum on the United Kingdom’s membership of the European Union. The Greens would support the EU provided it carries out reforms that are on a rotational basis between countries. The Green’s proposal includes breaking Europe into six meadows. Five would support growth and every year, and one country would be dug over, covered in horse manure, then an old carpet, and left until the next season. When the Greens suggested Greece would be the first “Fallow Country”, Party support was gained from Germany’s Angela Merkel.

Constitution, Leadership and Membership


Green Party members arrive at Westminster during the 2015 Election campaign.

The Constitution of the Green Party governs all the party’s activities, from germination and pollination, to nomination for the House of Lords. The Constitution states “temperature, alkalinity sunlight and moisture” in its decision making guidelines.


The Green party holds a spring and autumn conference every year. This is to ensure the seasonal plant-life, such as daffodils and dandelions have their say, before being hit with the Flymo.

Caroline Lucas and Jonathan Bartley's 2016 conference crop-rotation speech was rapturously received by the grass-roots, particularly references to longstanding proposals to allow temporarily exhausted sections of the party to lay fallow where appropriate, bringing much needed nourishment to damaged and frayed underground sections of the roots, which all too often go unnoticed in favour of their more easily identifiable, above-ground counterparts. However, privately some expressed their concern as to how responsibility for seasonal plantation is to be returned to the crops themselves. The Green Party of England and Wales have yet to release concrete, or even AstroTurf, plans as to how this can be achieved.

Conference goers have also expressed concern as to what is to be done about the ever present, but never explicitly mentioned, nettle problem, which has been causing some considerable trouble for the horticulturalists in the past year, and regarding cultivation of dock-leaves, which share-croppers and Party members alike tend to find a great deal more palatable. Rumours circulate that the culture of "farmers will be farmers" has been stamped out for good, but some wonder if there are members with a soft spot for even these unplantworthy folk, and debate is still very much ongoing.


Leadership is achieved by means of achieving 73% of the party vote. Some compatible candidates may run together, such as carrots and tomatoes, as Co-Leaders. The leaders are often elected on a six monthly basis, but can be annual if they are capable of surviving the winter.

Membership and Finances

According to accounts filed with the Electoral Commission, for the year ending 31 December 2010, the Party had an income of $0 with an expenditure of $0. Membership has remained fairly stable since the start of the Green Party 40,000 years ago. On 15 January 2015, the Green Party said it had 422,000 known species and trillions of followers (not actually following, of course), making it the world’s biggest party.


Young Greens arrive at a Garden Center in Lincolnshire to debate the benefits of UV over real sunlight. More established foliage begins battling for soil. Trouble starts.

Status of the Wales Green Party

Unlike any other regional party, the Wales Green Party (WGP) (Plaid Werdd Cymru in Welsh) is a "semi-autonomous regional party". Wales' soil type and climate serves only the hardiest of allium root veg, heathers and grasslands. Left to spread across the countryside uncontrolled, the current leader Pippa Bartolotti, a leek from the Welsh town of Ceredigion, said: "the Wales Green Party have the slowest and densest group of followers in the western world," at a recent conference. Bartolotti added: "That does eliminate the need for weeding though."

Green Party cacti make good campaigners as they are tough, no one picks their leaves and they can go for three months without watering.

Young Greens

The youth wing of the Green Party tend to be congregate in massive polyunnels. Destined for the salad shelves of the major supermarkets, tenderstem broccoli, baby corn and mangetous tend to be more focused on technology, such as hydroponics and aquaculture.

Other Groups

There are several other active groups under the Green's polytunnel. These include the Red Fruit, a radical group that are more left wing than the main party. Raspberries, strawberries and redcurrants maintain an aggressive anti-capitalist, eco-socilaist stance. Strawberries in particular are very anti middle to upper class, especially during Wimbledon or the Grand National.

Another extreme wing are the mosses and fungi. Tending to habit damp and shady locations, they do the Greens dirty work. Consuming the dead and unwanted behind the scenes, to keep the recycling flowing. These Green Party members are biologically classified as dividers, and there kept at branches length from mainstream party politics.

See also