Draper, Utah
“I told the Draper brethren that the foolish man built his house upon the sand, but they just didn't get it.”
“Ah, Draper, Utah. She shall surely be a good spot for the next Ikea.”
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| Motto: Now we've got a Panda Express! | |||||
| Nickname: "Crossroads of the Wasatch Front" | |||||
| Capital | CornerCanyongrad | ||||
| Official languages | Utahnics (Correct English speakers are shunned) | ||||
| Government Mayor |
Republican Police State Mark Smith-Radagund | ||||
| Independence Date |
from Sandy December 6, 1978 | ||||
| Population |
40,000 | ||||
Draper is a suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah, though Draper claims the reverse (and correctly claims that Salt Lake claims the reverse, and so on ad infinitum). It is notoriously known as the snobbiest area of the world, while still maintaining the low-brow ideas that make suburbs suburbs. It is perhaps the most suburban of all suburbs. It is where a 24-year-old child bride with six children can watch crap like Pirates of the Caribbean with her family while staying home all day in her palatial house near a motocross rally as she and her fellow denizens of Draper still refuse to let the Church build a thrift store in their community or allow the BLM to prevent deforestation by maybe not developing that scenic property Ol' Man Smith just put up for sale. Heck, even Pepperwood thinks they're jerks!
The Utah State Prison is located in Draper alongside Interstate 15 near the "point of the mountain," about midway between Salt Lake City and Provo. Draper is most renowned for the execution of Gary Gilmore on January 24, 1977 taking place here.
Draper is the new home town of Kathie Lee Gifford and all of the Osmonds.
Draper is home to Utah's first Ikea, opened in Spring 2007. Called the answer to Utah's "desperate culture problem" by the Salt Lake Tribune, Ikea has brought cheap foreign furniture into Mormon homes.
History[edit]
Draper was founded in 1858 by William FitzPatrick Draper, a noted Mormon and idiot who had previously tried to build towns under the Great Salt Lake and on top of Mount Everest. His ill-thought-out attempt to build a city on swamps and sandhills somehow worked, bringing us the earthquake disaster waiting to happen that is now Draper.
In September 1999, Draper citizens claimed they spotted Danny Bonaduce's plane flying over. No sources are able to confirm if Bonaduce was actually in the plane or that it even happened.
In 2004, the Citizens of Draper City, despite being fanatical Republican militants, voted in favor of a tax increase to pay for the purchase of key pieces of property in the Corner Canyon area from private conservationists. The need for this purchase was to increase the amount of money the city government has to use for bribes and graft and to ensure the only pristine area of Draper is sold to developers by 2012. In the fall of 2005, key properties were identified and purchased for the development of a "regional park" (read "subdivision started through 'honest graft'"). The result was the purchase of 1,021 acres of property to be created in the the Corner Canyon Regional Park which will consist of parks, trails and thousands of more houses which are too big for their owners.
In August 2006, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints broke ground for a temple in the fast growing community. Strangely, unlike most developments in Draper, this one involved no graft, as, according to the city government, "religious types don't know the importance of fraud yet."
The Battle of Corner Canyon, fought in 2007, was a turning point in the Mexican-American War, and resulted in the deaths of many of Draper's best and brightest (not that any of its inhabitants were ever really good or bright).
Neighborhoods[edit]
Despite being populated by feces-encrusted farmers and archconservative Hummer- and Beamer-driving suburbanites, some claim that there exists culture, society, sanity, and actual neighborhoods in Draper. These people are wrong. Where else in the world do people build a reservoir in their only unscathed wilderness? (well, except China)
Classic Draper[edit]
Consisting of run-down 1930s buildings and large grain silos, classic Draper combines the look and feel of a Nazi-era Jewish ghetto with the stench of an abandoned farm. It is home to city hall, the historic park, the Draper Theatre (pronounced [θi'eɪtər] in Utahnics), and the new library. The former is largely used for year-round performances of such low-brow drama as Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, while the latter is, in fact, wholly devoid of books, and only used for reserving books currently checked out of neighboring Salt Lake County libraries.
Commercial District[edit]
Centered around 12300 South, the Commercial District is the area of town in which a majority of the commerce takes place, hence the name. It is home to mini-malls which contain such varied shops as Supermarkets, record stores, electronics stores, cheap, low-class restaurants, fast food joints, and an innumerable host of fabric stores.
Draper Peaks is Draper's lame answer to Salt Lake's Gateway District. It is pretty much a bunch of minimalls made of stucco and sandstone, a la Phoenix.
Residential Draper[edit]
Stretching from Pioneer Street to 13800 South, Residential Draper is home to most of Draper's residents and three steaks of Sion. It consists of two-story homes and ramblers built on drained swampland, and will likely fall deep into the earth when the big one hits. Fort Street, 1300 E, and 300 E are the main thoroughfares of transport here. Interestingly, there is a street named Eald Englisc Stræt, though nobody there has even a basic knowledge of Anglo-Saxon.
South Mountain[edit]
Consisting of all the land between 13800 South and Utah County, South Mountain is home to most of Draper's snobs and to the Utah State Prison. Not a mountain, but actually a large sand hill, South Mountain will also be entirely destroyed if any type of sizeable earthquake occurs. South Mountain is the area of Draper which is preferred by hang-gliders, or so initial UN sources report.
Suncrest[edit]
In the early twenty-first century, corrupt city officials and their developer friends had a problem. As a result of tyrannic thievery by the BLM, they had run out of unprotected wilderness upon which to build subdivisions. Gene T. Scouserchristiansen Smith III, a prominent developer, came up with a brilliant solution. "What if we actually built houses on top of South Mountain! Our snob brethren will love it." Production of ugly beige stucco began shortly thereafter. A new development was founded, its name SunCrest. Unsustainable development and degradation on a scale not seen since the Gilded Age! Brilliant!
Draper-Lite[edit]
Stretching from the northern march of the Commercial district to the southern frontier of Sandy, Draper-Lite is largely made up of open fields, although a few subdivisions have been built there. Its major landmark is Juan Diego Catholic High School, notable for
- a) being an openly Catholic institution in Utah, and
- b) being named after a Mexican. We think. (Is he Mexican? I'm not sure. How can you tell?)
- c) being the number 1 drug running school in Utah, beating out all other high schools.
Demographics[edit]
The vast majority of Draperites are upper-middle class white Anglo-Scandinavian Mormon Republicans with two parent households and 4-17 children. If you aren't an upper-middle class white Anglo-Scandinavian Mormon Republican, you are liable to be tarred and feathered, castrated and thrown to the wolves, burnt at the stake, lynched, or guillotined.
In the minority diversity sector, Draper's diverse contingent is somewhat lacking (less than 10 per cent). Compounding this lack of harmonious racial/ethnic friendship, most of these diversians are also Mormons, making them just as non-diverse as straight white men. These data put Draper near the bottom of Rocky Anderson's Utah Diversity Index (UDI), beaten only by Provo, Orem, LaVerkin, Hurricane, and Colorado City/Hilldale.
Only about 10 per cent of Draperites are literate. This is because 75 per cent of the population are children under five and 15 per cent are holier-than-thou Republican fanatics who know literacy is an evil promoted by the Liberal left.
The median income for the city is $96,287. It would have been higher, but much of the city's income is blown on prescription painkillers, such as heroin, Lortab, and Oxycontin.
Economy[edit]
Draper has a vibrant economy which is marked by light commercial activity, golfing, and illicit prescription painkiller sale, plus a great many lemonaid stands and lawnmowing services. She is also home to a few farms left over from Draper's days as the chicken-raising center of the Rocky Mountain West. Draper is also home to a vast amount of car washes, banks, and Mexican restaurants. All of which are so important to Draper. With such a diversified economy, where else could one possibly think of investing?
As mentioned before, Draper will be home to Utah's first Ikea. This will surely please the large Scandinavian community in Draper, eager to get back to their roots of buying hardware and furniture from international monopolies.
Politics[edit]
Draper is largely a Republican city. This means that anyone claiming maintain any measurable amount of thought is generally shunned or castrated. This allows the conservative elements in city council to carry out their nefarious schemes, assuring that Machiavellian principles survive well into the twenty-first century.
Police[edit]
Draper police are the largest cocks known to man. If caught after midnight with a minor, you will be charged with a crime that is reserved for rapists. EX: Contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If caught by a Draper police officer, you will first have to try playing dead, since many don't have a shred of intelligence to tell them otherwise. If they, by some miracle, are able to tell the difference, you then tell them your many connections that you have. A good "my dad is the president of ________(Insert Fortune 500 company here)" should do. If they don't buy that, then just drive away. They'll assume that they are the ones that did something wrong, and they will then arrest themselves. Yes, they are that effing stupid. Just believe it.
Language[edit]
The official language of Draper is Utahnics [1], an obscure dialect distantly related to English.
Culture[edit]
Draperian culture is a veritable smorgasbord of culture. It is known for its multicultural heritage as well as its music and cuisine, and is considered the birthplace of EFY music.
Pronunciation[edit]
To most Draperites, Draper is simply pronounced ['dɹʷeɪpəɹ]. Some, however, prefer to pronounce it [la nuvɛl ɔʀleɑ̃], [ˈljenjɪn], or ['mumbəi]. The Brits, of course, pronounce it ['dɹʷeɪpə].
Sites of Interest[edit]
Greater Draper has many major attractions, including the world-renowned Bourbon Street and the French Quarter's notorious nightlife, St. Charles Avenue (home of Tulane and Loyola Universities), and many stately 19th century mansions.
The Utah State Prison is Draper's most prominent building. Nicknamed "Point of the Mountain," it houses prominent pedophiles, murderers, rapists, identity thieves, straightedgers, and psychopaths. It was the site of the execution of Gary Gilmore, the first man executed after capital punishment was reinstated, and is also the only prison in the United States which still uses the firing squad. If a large breakout were to occur, the noble Republican militia of Draper would surely stop the oncoming mob using their God-given rights to bear arms and conduct capital punishments.
Another notable building in Draper is the Intermountain Farming Association country store and farming facility, Draper's tallest building. The main silo is over one hundred feet tall, and sports an all-American U.S. flag. It uses the most advanced methods known to man to sort grain, incubate eggs, and slaughter livestock. It is also home to Draper's largest herd of cattle. The country store sells seeds, livestock, farming and gardening tools, and vehicles to Draperites, whether they are farmers or ordinary suburbanites. Truly, the IFA building, as it is affectionally known to Draperites, is a wonder of modern engineering and functionality.
The Draper Skatepark is a notorious hangout frequented by a mob of antisocial adolescent scumbags. This teenage wasteland was specifically built with tax money so teenagers could have somewhere to skateboard, BMX bike, smoke, have sex, and TP houses. Stupid hippies, always stealin' our jobs and such.
Famous Residents[edit]
- Mike Weir, famous Canadian golfer
- Dell Schanze, Computer salesman and self-help guru
- Wayne Campbell, television personality
- Gary Gilmore, maggot food
Sister Cities[edit]
- Bogata, Colombia
- Ciudad Juarez, Mexico
- Minas Tirith, Gondor
- Pyongyang, North Korea
- Jerusalem, Israel