House of Carolingian
“Oh! Carolingian, I am but a fool
Darling, I love you, though you treat me cruel”
"I am Charlie too!" Long before Charlie Hebdo, Charlie Chaplin, or Charlie Kirk, everyone in Europe was a Charlie — in this case, a descendant of Holy Roman Emperor Charlemagne. If anyone asks you if you're Spartacus, you would just say Non. Je suis un fromage-eating surrender monkey, pout and then walk off.
You may think, how is this so? Hasn't Europe faced invaders from the East and South?? Could we all be the heirs of Mohammed the prophet instead???
The idea of Charlemagne as the literal father of Europeans was wound through the stories about the origins of France and Germany. Both were founded by the Franks, with the extra clarification of calling themselves the 'West Franks' and the other 'East Franks'.[1]
Treachery[edit]
The origins of the Carolingians (or the 'Pinheads' or 'Pepheads', as they were then known) was forged over the fragmented body of a dead queen in the early 7th century. Pepin (also known as Pippin) of Landen and Arnulf of Metz had urged the Mervovingian king Chlotar II of Neuralgia to go to war against his cousin King Theuderic of Aspergers. Chlotar 'Clot' won. Theuderic had died earlier, so Pepin and Arnulf encouraged Clot to take out his anger on Theuderic's granny Brunhild. He had the woman executed by being torn into pieces by four horses galloping in different directions.
Clot rewarded Arnulf by making him a bishop and Pepin became Mayor of the Palace, the de facto Prime Minister of Francia. To celebrate their success and seal their power deal, Arnulf's son Antiseptic married Pepin's daughter Begga Mi-Neighbour.
Going for the throne[edit]
Having helped King Clot to re-unite the disperate Mergovingian lands, the 'Arnies' and 'Pips' became dominant. The Mervovingian 'revival' under king Dagobert (son of Clot) died with him in 639. Power now leaked back to a grandson of Arnulf and Pippin called Pippin of Hergé, who classified himself as Belgian, otherwise known as Tintin. The Merovingians kept on killing each other and dying young, with some copping it as martyrs and/or becoming saints. Pepin of Hergé and his loyal dog Snowy avoided the assassin's daggers.
By 695, Pepin was Mayor of Neuralgia, Aspergers and Burgundy and, with extra relish, Duke/Prince of all the Franks. He had all the power but fluffed it when it came to becoming king. The Long-haired Hippy Kings retained their royal status.
If I Had a Hammer[edit]
When Pepin died in 714 his various jobs were claimed by his family. The winner was the brutal but effective Charles Martel.
Hail, Shorty![edit]
When Martel kicked the bucket in 741, he also booted the chance of supreme power by declining to take the French throne, but instead left the job vacant. Once again it became a Carolingian Family Feud. Eventually, Pepin the Short got the long straw. He aimed to end the current royal Frankish farce and become king in both word and deed.
Charlemagne[edit]
Following the death of Pepin, his sons Charlemagne and Carloman were allocated their father's territories. There was a question on Charlemagne's legitimacy, as he had been born when the legality of his parent's marriage were discussed and the bribes sent to the correct party. Carloman had been born after the settlement, so he claimed Charlemagne had been born a bastard.
Charlemagne went on from conquest to conquest, drop-kicking the Lombards in Italy, the Saxons in Germany, the Avars in Pannonia and the Arabs in Spain. For these victories, Pope Leo III rewarded Charlemagne with a crown and title of Holy Roman Emperor.
Louie Louie[edit]
Emperor Louis 'the Pious' was the only son of Charlemagne left to succeed his famous father. Louis was also called 'The Fair' and 'The Debonaire' — which suggests he was a bit of a dandy. Charlemagne had picked up the Byzantine tradition of crowning his own successor, hoping to avoid a messy civil war between homicidal siblings. A crowning also kept a pope from claiming only St. Peter's successor could name a Holy Roman Emperor.
Louis was also therefore the King of West Francia, East Francia and everything in between except Italy (well, at least the old Lombard kingdom in the north). Lombard had been inherited by Louis's nephew Bernard, son of the emperor's elder brother Pepin. Bernard was officially subordinate to Louis, but became convinced he would be deprived of his territories. So Bernard rebelled and was crushed. Louis employed another tradition from the Byzantines, having Bernard's eyes torn out instead, which made him ineligible as a ruler. However, those doing the gouging did not follow Best Practices, and Bernard died after two socketless days.
All in the Family[edit]
The demise of Bernard (though his line lived on through another Pepin) gave Emperor Louis space to breathe. However, his crime of having a nephew killed gave the church a huge whip to thrash him into piety. He wasn't helped by his eldest sons Lothair and Pepin-Yet-Another-One actively conspiring to take larger shares of allocated lands. Lothair had also been crowned co-emperor and so expected to be the dominant force within the Holy Roman Empire.
Whilst Louis was dividing and then redividing his territories to satisfy his sons, he had little time to expand his empire. No new territories were gained either on the Spanish frontier or in Slav-dominated Eastern Europe. Some lands were lost in Pannonia. There was talk of having some dynastic connection with the Byzantine Empire, but that returned to schism with Rome over the old issue of Iconoclasm.
Louis's clutch of three sons (Lothair, Pepin and Louis 'the German') was further complicated when the old emperor married again and named his new son Charles. Seeing this would entail yet another round of redistricting, Lothar rebelled. Bottom line, Lothair clapped Louis the Pious in irons. A deposition seemed possible, but then Louis the Pious came up with another collection of sins to apologise for. Which he did. The church was happy, spiritually and financially, and Louis was restored.
Around this time, the Vikings made their debut as a tormentor of France. The only major development was that Pepin (Louis the Pious's son) died suddenly, leaving two very young sons. It was time for another partition in 839. Lothair got the 'Middle Franks' to rule (including Rome and Aachen), whilst Louis the German was rewarded with, well, Germany and the Eastern Franks. Charles, who was still a teenager, would become king of the West Franks. All appeared to be settled. Emperor Louis took the opportunity to die.
Three-way split[edit]
Louis had not even reached room temperature when the new emperor Lothair asserted his intention to 'reunite the empire'. However, King Charles 'the Bald' claimed West Francia (France), whilst Louis the German — reappearing in the depth chart due to a rebellion — got East Francia (Germany). Lothair wasn't happy. His 'Middle Frankish realm' looked like a slice of ham in a Carolingian bun.
For the next three years, the brothers and their other relatives wrestled for dominance. Eventually, the alliance between Charles and Louis overcame their brother's troops. Out of exhaustion, a treaty was agreed. Lothair was the clear loser. He still remained emperor and, theoretically, the imperial top dog.
Diminishing returns[edit]
The 'Middle Franks' kingdom didn't last long. When Lothair died in 855, his eldest son Louis became emperor. The younger brothers Charles and Lothair II received Provence and Lorraine, respectively. Charles soon shuffled off his mortal coil, whilst the younger Lothair relegated his wife, replacing her with his mistress and their son Hugh. Lothair's wife-swapping produced a fierce condemnation from Pope Nicholas. Lothair's uncles refused to recognise his revised marital arrangements or Hugh's right to succeed. When Lothair died in Italy trying to get papal dispensation, his realm was invaded by his uncles.
Charles the Bald and Louis the German refused to give Lothair's eldest brother Louis any share of Lorraine on the flimsy grounds he was 'too busy' in Southern Italy. Louis's response was to cosy up to the Byzantines (now back to being icon supporters) by offering his only daughter Ermengard to marry Constantine, son of emperor Basil I. All was agreed until the marriage contract was read in Constantinople which described Louis as 'Emperor of the Romans' and Basil as 'Emperor of the Greeks'. The Byzantines thought of themselves as Roman despite none of them speaking Latin since the days of Justinian I in the 6th century. They took it as insult to be called 'Greek' despite speaking that language. The marriage didn't happen. Louis died shortly after. His daughter's claims were pushed aside as Charles the Bald invaded Italy and claimed the imperial crown.
Retreat[edit]
Charles the Bald died shortly afterwards. The Carolingians were now concentrated in West Francia and East Francia. Other Carolingians had died off without male heirs except the descendants of the eyeless Bernard and were now the Counts of Vermandois. Louis the German's youngest son Charles the Fat somehow impressed Pope John VIII to crown him emperor. His elder brothers died without heirs, which gave Charles East Francia in 882. Then in 884 it was West Francia because the French nobility decided the actual heir Charles the Simple was too young. "Fatty" had re-united the empire of Charlemagne.
Despite the size of his territories, Charles the Fat showed no ability to control or defend his realm. His only interest was trying to make his own bastard son Bernard the Not-So-Fat his legitimate heir. Charles failed in that endeavour. He was deposed from all his thrones and then died.
German line ends[edit]
The German Carolingians had a revival when one of them called Arnulf (another literal Carolingian bastard) became Holy Roman Emperor in the 890s. Arnulf was a grandson of Louis the German. It was now established that only a pope could 'make' an emperor with a liberal dose of sacremental oil. Arnulf got to Rome and then suffered a stroke. His German allies had to take him back to Germany, his eyes covered in pubic lice! When he died, his son Louis became King of the East Franks as Louis the Child. As Louis was indeed aged only seven, it was an apt description. He died in 911, barely out of puberty and without an heir or facial hair.
French line persists, barely[edit]
When the German Carolingians died out in 911, one obvious claiment would have been King Charles III (the Simple). As a child, he had been twice ejected by the West Franks as their king during the reigns of Charles the Fat and then by Odo Capet who owed his fame on defending Paris against the Vikings. Odo was unable to stop Charles being crowned as king in 893 but neither side made a move to contest their claims on a battlefield. This unofficial dual monarchy ended with Odo's death in 898.
Prison and exile[edit]
Charles the Simple had no Carolingian relative challenging his authority but was unable to defeat the Vikings, who continued to rape and pillage. Charles came up with a solution. He would cede land to a particular fierce mob of northmen led by Rollo. In exchange, they would be baptised and protect the French side of the English Channel. If this was Charles's hope, he was let down. A rebellion organised by Robert, a younger brother of Odo, saw Charles defeated and eventually captured. Robert was killed in battle but his supporters captured Charles the Simple and stuck him in prison, where he died as a captive of his Carolingian relative Herbert II, Count of Vermandois.
Charles's only son Louis grew up in England, as his mother was English. The West Franks called Louis back to rule them following the death of King Rudolph Reindeer (successor of King Robert) in 936. Crowned as Louis IV, the new king was determined to regain Carolingian authority despite not speaking a word of French or Latin. Hugh, son of King Robert (who was also known as 'Hugh Capet' after a greasy cloak he liked to wear), effectively acted as a regent for the young monarch.
Yet the reign of Louis IV was about as luckless as his father. He tried to regain Lorraine but was repulsed by the German king Otto I. Louis became the protector of Normandy when he got hold of the very young Duke Richard. An alliance of Normans and Vikings captured Louis and imprisoned him. Hugh could have easily made himself king but seemed reluctant to take that step, as it would have alienated Louis's English relatives. Instead, Hugh swapped Richard for Louis. King Louis wasn't grateful.
By now, actual Carolingian authority included only Reims and its suburbs. Paris was controlled by Hugh whilst the rest of West Francia was essentially run by other noble families with scant respect to the rights of the Carolingians. It was like a mark 2 version of what happened to the Merovingians, except without the hair and joss sticks.
End of the line[edit]
Louis IV and Hugh Capet eventually reconciled through gritted teeth. Shortly after, Louis fell off his horse whilst chasing a wolf. His eldest son Lothair became King of the West Franks. The new king was only 13. His government was dominated by Hugh the Great and when he died, Bruno the archbishop of Cologne and brother of Holy Roman Emperor Otto the Great acted as Lothair's regent, effectively placing the West Franks subservient to the Eastern Franks.
It wasn't until the death of Otto I in 973 that Lothair pursued his own foreign policy. In 976, Lothair's younger brother Charles accused his sister-in-law Queen Emma of adultery with Adalberon, bishop of Laon. If true, this would have cast doubt on Lothair's paternity of his children. Once he made his claims, Charles fled to Germany and allied himself with emperor Otto II, who gave him what was called Lower Lorraine. This comprised mostly the Benelux countries and the old imperial capital of Aachen. It led to a war, as Lothair invaded Lower Lorraine and sacked Aachen, despite it once being the city of Lothair's ancestor Charlemagne.
Lothair died in 986. His son Louis became Louis V, crowned earlier by his father. He was in his early 20s but had a reputation of being bone idle. Louis had been married to Adelaide-Blanche of Anjou when the latter was 40! The marriage ended in 984 with an annulment, leaving Louis to seek a new wife and carry on the dynasty. Before he even started dating, he fell off his horse whilst hunting. This time it wasn't a wolf but a squirrel. Louis V had been king for just over a year.
The nearest male blood relative to Louis V was Charles of Lower Lorraine, Louis's uncle. But his alliance with the German rulers made important people suspect his loyalties. Instead the nobles and clergy chose Hugh Capet. Charles launched a war with Hugh, which ended with his capture by Adalberon, bishop of Laon. Charles spent the rest of his life in a draughty prison cell. The French Carolingians were gaining a reputation as jail birds. Charles's claims were carried on by his sons Otto and Louis but without success. As they left no heirs either, the senior Carolingian line ended in the 1020s.
Fin[edit]
Though the senior branch of the family had died out in the male line, there was still a junior twig descended from eyeless Bernard two centuries earlier. They had become the counts of Vermandois in northern France and had built a profitable territory. They were also linked by marriage to most of the French nobility, including the Capet dynasty. The family had supported Duke Charles of Lower Lorraine's claims to the French throne in 987-995 as a sign of Carolingian solidarity but when that failed, they reconciled with the Capets.
Ends with a madman?[edit]
The Carolingian dynasty ended up in a mad house. The last male representative of the family Otto was deprived of his lands and liberty by his proto Australian sister Adelaide and her husband Hugh Doormat (a junior Capetian) in 1085. They took away Otto's titles and re-directed his post. After that the last male Carolingian vanished. Locked away and the key thrown away. Mad or not, so ended the Carolingians.
References[edit]
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