Brian Griese
“Ya damn right I'm pissed! That old bastard can't go fuckin' deep. I'm the Gross-bomb, bitches.”
“Brian Griese!?! He sucks!”
“PLAYOFFS!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! PLAYOFFS!?!”
Brian Griese is a former NFL quarterback for the Denver Broncos, Da Bears and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. During his infamous stay with the Bears, he was known as the anti-Christ of Chicago after successfully kidnapping megastar Rex Grossman. He is also credited as being the first person to store plutonium in their left-eye socket.
Early Life[edit]
On February 30th, 1934, Dolphins quarterback Bob Griese and head coach Don Shula decided that both of them should create a super Dolphin. In order to accomplish this task, they had to make love on top of Larry Csonka. After only three weeks inside of Don Shula, Brian Griese popped out of Shula's vagina and threw his own afterbirth right into the doctors hands, even though he was covered by two nurses.
In the spring of 1958, Griese committed to Puerto Rican State to play quarterback. During his freshman year, he accumulated 4,577 yards, 87 touchdowns, and 1/2 an interception while completing only 28% of his passes. Griese boasted one of the strongest arms in the whole damn world. Able to throw 132 yards at 245 mph, he was used by the United States Army to throw rockets from airplanes during air strikes through southeast Asia. After the 1958 season, Griese was unanimously awarded the Heisman Trophy. However, as he picked up the trophy, he broke his right shoulder off the bone. Three days following successful reattachment surgery, he announced that he would leave college football to rehabilitate his arm.
Setbacks and Second College Stint[edit]
Griese started rehabilitation by masturbating nearly ten times a day with his right hand. Doctors said that this would not only help alieviate pain, but repair damage to his arm by building strength. However, during his fifth year of rehab, Griese lost all feeling in his legs and groin due to extensive masturbation. Doctors performed a ten hour nerve surgery, six hours were devoted to getting his sticky pants unpried from his groin and upper-thigh.
After the surgery, Griese was forced to stop rehab until his legs fully healed. During this time, he turned to a diet of Cheetos, beer and NyQuil. Griese spent most of his time running a sex ring/bed-and-breakfast out the back of his minivan, making only enough to buy booze and cocaine. Sometimes, Griese would do cocaine off a hooker's chest and then savagely fuck them in the ass (because Don Shula taught him that during his days in the crack house). He became violent and depressed and offed almost 1/2 of the hookers involved in his sex ring, including Joe Montana.
Having lost all faith in his return, Griese handed himself over to God, but God handed him back. Griese was screwed. However, he found salvation in University of Michigan coach Lloyd Carr. Carr used his special powers, bestowed upon him by the almighty Bo Schembechler, to heal Griese.
In the fall of 1994, Brian Griese easily beat out Ryan Leaf and Chris Leak to become the starting quarterback at Michigan. However, unlike his freshman year at Puerto Rican State, Griese had no arm strength and managed to just throw to anyone within four yards of him. He piled up 402 yards, 28 touchdowns, and a record 134 interceptions with a 88% completion rating in his first season at Michigan. After mildly improving to 5,688 yards, 92 touchdowns, 1/4 of an interception and 100% completion his senior year, Griese surprisingly became eligble for the NFL Draft. He was picked by the Denver Broncos.
Early Career[edit]
After one full season of being John Elway's bitch, Griese was given an opportunity to be starting quarterback in 1999. Griese had a decent year throwing every pass to Shannon Sharpe. Griese and Sharpe became known as the "Dink-and-Dump Connection" with Griese being the "Dink", because of his short passing ability, and Sharpe being the "Dump", because he represents garbage.
After Sharpe left for Baltimore in 2000 for the first billion-dollar contract in league history, Griese had no dump to dink to and went on a downward spiral. Even when the "Dump", Sharpe, returned, the "Dink", Griese, still struggled and was eventually ridden out of Denver backwards on an ass in 2003. The NFL stated that where ever the donkey stopped is where Griese would play. After a 70-day journey, the ass stopped in Miami. Luckily for Griese, his dad (Bob Griese) and mom (Don Shula-Griese) used their clout on the already feeble-minded Dave Wannstedt to make Griese the starting quarterback. Griese started the season out well, but teammate Ricky Williams became a bad influence on him. He turned to marijuana to relieve the stress of living up to his father's name. Whenever Griese threw an interception, he would just smile, laugh, hug his teammates and eat burritos. This behavior didn't really frustrate Wannstedt or his feeble mind, but it did upset his trademark mustache, who ultimately released Griese in 2004.
The following season, he found new life with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This time, Griese wasn't the starting quarterback. Jon Gruden stuck behind his current quarterback Brad Johnson, which eventually made Griese cry. After Brian's father saw his son cry, he filed a grievance with the NFL and NFLPA. After a full investigation, the league ruled in favor of the Grieses. On September 30, 2004, Brad Johnson was executed by firing squad, making Brian Griese the Buccaneers staring quarterback. After lighting up the league for two straight seasons, second-year quarterback Chris Simms went to his father, former QB and rambling idiot Phil Simms, for help. The Simms family demanded the team get rid of Griese so Chris could be the starter. They sought Gruden's help since he was still upset that Griese's emergence spurred the execution of boyfriend Brad Johnson. The three of them convinced fullback Mike Alstott to destroy Griese, and during a game in October of 2005, as Brian Griese went to hand the ball of to Alstott, the mega fullback took off his cleat and stabbed Griese over 15 times in the knee causing an ACL tear. Griese was sidelined for the rest of the year as Simms took the reins as starter.
After being released in the offseason, Griese's options were limited because he sucked massive balls. Fortunately, on March 24th, 2006, Da Bears called upon Griese to save the city from the tyranny of Sexy Rexy Grossman. Thus began a mission to somehow become the Savior of Chicago.
DA BEARS[edit]
In 2006, Brian Griese lurked behind Rex Grossman all season as Grossman terrified the city of Chicago by throwing countless interceptions and fumbling snaps during key moments of games. His play caused over 78,000 deaths and nearly 120,000 severe heart attacks in the state of Illinois. Since Grossman had horrifying pictures of Lovie Smith, management and the entire Bears' roster engaged in lewd sexual acts, the team stood behind him. Despite Grossman's horror, Da Bears made it to the Super Bowl. Grossman won Super Bowl MVP after throwing two interceptions and causing two fumbles that helped the opposing Indianapolis Colts pave the way to victory.
During the offseason, Griese strategized a way to take out Grossman. After the third game of the 2007 season when Rex threw 8 interceptions and molested thousands of fans at Soldier Field, Griese shot him in his knee ending both his season and career. Amidst a plethora of cheers, Griese was heralded the new starter and given the key to the city. Former Emperor Richard M. Daley called him, from that day forward, the Savior of Chicago. Grossman, however, was not done. He possessed the body of Kyle Orton by lacing Orton's marijuana with Sexy Rexy blood. Orton eventually beat him for the staring job because Griese sucked balls, giant elephant balls to be exact. Following this defeat, Emperor Daley repealed Griese's title as Savior of Chicago and called him, from this day forward, the anti-christ of Chicago. Grossman and Orton ended up joining forces as the Bears' starting QB, being dubbed the Sexy-Neck Beard by the Chicago Sun-times.
Return to Tampa Bay[edit]
Jon Gruden figured there was no use in letting Jeff Garcia stay behind center to rape all the team's centers and decided to trade for Griese. Tampa Bay traded three cases of beer and Rex Grossman's fifth testicle, found in Jeff Garcia's mouth, to the Bears for Griese. Griese would eventually replace Garcia as starter in September 2008, regaining his popularity in Tampa Bay.
Griese was often featured in local tabloids during his secret rendezvous with Pamela Anderson and then again with Dakota Fanning. He was also seen dining with popular athletes like Kwame Brown and Jalen Rose. After finishing the season with 1,988 yards, 12 TD, and 32 INT, he was named league MVP and made his 9th Pro Bowl. After another stellar season in 2009, throwing 2,276 yards, 15 TD, and 41 INT, Griese again captured MVP honors and won the Super Bowl by defeating the evil New England Patriots 79-0. The lopsided victory was partially caused by Griese throwing Tom Brady and his wife Bill Belichick-Brady off a building hours before the game, forcing the Patriots to be coached and quarterbacked by Ernest Borgnine and Abe Vigoda respectively.
Shortly after the game, he announced his retirement. Due to his impact on the game, he was placed immediately on the ballot for Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2010. He was inducted unanimously.
Mayoral bid[edit]
Due to his popularity in the Tampa Bay area, Griese decided to throw his hat into the ring for the city's Mayoral race in 2010. He ran as a Communist and believed in using TIF funds to build the city's new library. However, Griese's campaign was unsuccessful after losing to Jon Gruden in the election by 25 percentage points.
Notable Facts[edit]
- Griese owns three bobble head dolls of Dan Patrick.
- Griese once fatally shot a group of Iranian terrorists with a rubber band and chewed-up piece of gum
- He is accused of tricking Rex Grossman into thinking Kyle Orton was going to steal his ham sandwich before training camp in 2007. In a fit of anger, Grossman slashed the tires on Orton's car, causing the car to spiral off a cliff. Orton is still paralyzed but manages to play and be overrated by most analysts.
- Griese's cousin, William Shatner, is often credited as his first influence after Shatner taught him how to read defenses and escape pass rushes.
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