Blue Peter

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“I saw Blue Peter yesterday. No, not the television show. The older feller down the road has a bad circulatory problem.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Blue Peter

“Getting on the train, there was one seat left I raced a guy to it just to discover it was Peter Perves, it was the height of his blue peter fame, quick as a flash I retorted 'Why so Blue Peter' and it was brilliant”

~ Alan Partridge on on Blue Peter

Blue Peter (Jackson).

Blue Peter refers to the fact that all people who are named 'Peter' are physically blue. Personally, I think the article should end here, but for those who care about other definitions of the term, there is some other stuff below:

It is also one of the greatest fruits of the BBC. A long running children's show whose strange name is derived from one of the early presenters Peter Purves nickname, acquired after he snorted too much gak and nearly died (hence his face going blue). The theme tune is a sea shanty called Barnacle Bill, and the programme's motif is a stylised sailing ship, based on an original design by Tony Hart.

Also: A horrendous venereal disease in which ... Well, you get the idea.


Another feature of the show is the insistence that young children should as soon as possible have all innocence knocked out of them and be introduced to the cold clammy touch of death, for this reason the show hires a number of "q" List celebrities to dress up as cute pets at least one of which a season must die a horrible death due to the std "orange" (if not of natural causes, it must be "helped" along Wicker Man style).

Those that have made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure that British children are fit to serve in alongside such greats as Action Man in HM Armed Forces and that the crops grow again include the first dog Petra; subsequent famous burnt offerings include Shep the Border Collie. Tortoises including, Freda, Maggie, Jim and George. Cats including Jason, Jack and Jill, Willow and Kari and Oke. The programme has also had the golden retrievers Goldie and Bonnie. The current pets on the show are Smeg, a cat; Meg, Lucy and Mabel, dogs; Shelley the tortoise and the rarely seen, Blue Peter horse, Jet.

It is unknown who will be bravely singing hymns as the flames lick higher and higher this year.

Blue Peter Badge[edit]

Much more prestigious than Her Majesty's Royal Flying Rat's Ass the Blue Peter badge is like the Order of the Garter, a Stunt Driver's Licence and Licence to Kill all rolled into one and has in fact been used in many major criminals cases where the defendant who is undoubtedly guilty has been found innocent by simply revealing that he is a holder of the honour. Examples include Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson and the Hutton Enquiry. As with all British Honours they are awarded by the Queen under the advice of the Prime Minister.

Such was the ability for a badgeholder to go around England naked and get into lots of places for free, caused lots of paedophiles prepared to commit fraud to get their hands on these WMDs to get into these places for free and watch genuine badgeholders (most of which are OAP much to the disappointment of these weirdos, but we must also remember that Blue Peter existed since Christopher Colombus found his way to Australia).

Blue Peter Appeal[edit]

The Blue Peter Appeal' actually refers to three separate things. The first is a financial innovation, the second a unique way of ensuring the shows continued existence, the third is an economic phenomenon:

  1. The Producers realised early on that the Budget for the show would not cover the services of madams and drug dealers that the Blue Peter team required they therefore came up with the wheeze of stiffing the British public with fake "appeals" to help those less fortunate, the appeal always claims to help those in the UK in odd-numbered years, and abroad in even-numbered so as to avoid alerting the relevant authorities.
    It generally involves young viewers by asking them to collect items that can be recycled or sold to raise money for the chosen "cause".
  2. Realising that the show was essentially boring as fuck and that no child in his right mind would want to watch the smarmy gits that present it, the producers decided to insert subliminal messages in the television programs that the Target age groups parents watched, hence short one frame images were inserted into BBC programs like the EastEnders and BBC News instructing parents to force their children to watch Blue Peter using the same methods employed in A Clockwork Orange, a film created by the producers to not only experiment on the most effective methods to employ under the guise of a documentary about contemporary Britain but also a method of instruction for parents.
  3. Describes a bizarre event when, despite Demand falling lower than a Jamaican Limbo Dancer, people still buy or even just give the money away. Many economists (such as Amy Cassweell) put this down to a feeling of guilt, although prominent Economist James Blunt has suggest that it is in fact down to the actions of a 60ft giant Octopus shaped demigod. This claim has won him much ridicule amongst Economic circles, as well as honorary membership to the Republican Party.

To become a male presenter on Blue Peter, you need the following attributes: A taste for gak, filming your partner having sex with someone else (preferably the same sex) and release it on the internet as well as a complete inabililty to present a television show. Having a big cock may also help you through the interview process.

Female presenters should be talentless twats whose only other career option would be spreading their legs for rich business men or getting their titsout for a Page 3 spread.

The presenters are the heart of the show and competition is fierce amongst wannabe media wankers, as it can set them up for life. Previous fine examples include Richard Bacon and John Leslie both of which have continued to uphold the shows virtues even after leaving for pastures new.

At one point in the 1970's it was even presented by the dog Shep.

In 2005,there was a red finger at Ulster fiasco. Zoe Salmon stuck her finger up at the flag of Ulster then ran off laughing while they were still filming. This incident went without notice,however the following week she stripped live on air and the BBC had to pull it and start showing Arthur.She defended herself on the news,saying "This is ridiculous. I mean,I told you I'd try anything once.Some people are ridiculous,you know?" However,Supreme Blue Peter King John Noakes threw a blazing fireball at her and she was no more.


Another vital element of the show was the makes these involved teaching children how to construct variouse weapons and traps from everyday materials found in the home as per the original churchillian purpose of the show, this is also the only remaining place where the second shows original purpose is still evident which such household names such as "Entwistles Never Fail Triggers" being blanked out and simply referred to as the more generic blasting caps.

Examples of makes in previous years have included the hockeyzooka and the Tracey Island Weapon of Mass Destruction. Whilst most of the makes in the early days were design by Lance-Corporal Jack Jones for a period after his death in 1971 most of the designs were taken from the The Anarchist Cookbook until 1992 when MacGyver was head hunted from BBC televisions documentary of the same name to design the tanks and other heavy ordnance from loo rolls, washing up liquid bottles and left over cordite.

You will need:[edit]

  • One anachronistically funded public service broadcaster
  • A dictatorial producer who views autocues as weakness
  • Crooked phone-ins
  • An unlimited supply of disposable pets
  • Sticky-backed plastic
  • Half a ton of Columbian Best

See also[edit]