John Leslie
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Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it. |
“You can wank me off with a combine harvester, you can inject brine into my testicles, but you'll never make me watch Wheel of Fortune.”
“You can wank me off with a combine harvester, you can inject brine into my testicles, and I'll throw in a poodle mullet scat session for free!”
“Tits or face?”
“What are you doing tonight?”
“YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!!!”
John Leslie is a huge, black dragon who resides in a cavern two miles below the surface of the Earth. John Leslie is infamous for for causing widespread destruction and havoc (or as he refers to it, "ruckin' boiz up yeh") on his occasional visits to the surface- indeed there is a growing body of evidence that the attacks on the World Trade Center in New York may have been down to Leslie "dressed up in a plane suit so we wouldn't know it was him".
John Leslie has taken many virgin sacrifices from the towns near the entrance to his cavern in the northern regions of Sweden. Only one adventurer has returned of the intrepid number who have ventured into his lair; he claims Leslie keeps his victims trapped atop a hellish "Wheel of Fortune" with a selection of grisly fates on it, while he joyfully spins the wheel for hours on end, content that when he stops, he will be able to kill or rape something.
John Leslie's TV career was launched with "What's That In My Intestines?", a fun game show where Leslie and the mute masked hunchbacks he referred to as his "family" would have non-consensual sex with minor celebrities. This led to a number of TV offers, one of which was replacing Nicky Campbell as host of "Wheel of Fortune" after Campbell was dismissed for calling a contestant a "fucking dystrophy-face" and a "spinning sack of dismembered witch tits" for not guessing Leaning Tower of Pisa as a "Landmark" with the letters L--N-NG T-W-R -F P-S- on the board during a special live edition of the show aired during the "Jim Bowen's Motorboats of Fury '93" telethon, wherein Bowen was attempting to raise funds for children in Africa to get high-quality gameshow prizes.
John Leslie's career has since gone from strength to strength; he won an Oscar at one point for his portrayal of Omaha Beach in Saving Private Ryan, had a number one single in Scotland with "Ah'd Rather be a Rapist than a Papist" and was declared President of France in 2003 following an incident involving Jacques Chirac, a frozen lake, fourteen ounces of C4, a bucket of frozen squid, three cows (although really we shouldn’t call terrified women who have been kidnapped and tied-up to prevent escape cows) of which only one could fly and the other two were dead, and a drunken vagrant, Max Mosley lookalike, with no skeleton called Clinky Joe. John Leslie received the Iron Cross for his participation in the incident, which he later ate, prompting his mass arson in Dresden which he claimed was motivated by "They sly Bosch cunts tryin' tae destroy ma luscious ring".
John Leslie is Honorary Life President of the National Association for Retired Wrestlers, a Patron of the Guide Dog Association and lives peacefully in a disused bomb shelter in Basra. Which is now two miles below the surface of the earth, partially because John Leslie sunk it deeply into the tectonic plate after eating one too many plates of gobi aloo saag, but mainly to prevent this edit from being contrary to the first line. John Leslie also approves wholeheartedly of starting sentences with prepositions.
John Leslie is not to be confused with Samuel L. Jackson, because they are completely different.
Trivia[edit]
- John Leslie is a huge fan of the arts, and last year donated £500,000 to the Tate Gallery.
- John Leslie once agreed to appear on a Stop Smoking advert, but when he arrived for filming he instead opted to raze everything within a sixteen mile radius to ashes, citing "creative differences".
- John Leslie's autobiography is called Consent Is Something That Happens To Other People.
- John Leslie's soul is made of the tortured screams of stillborn children.
- John Leslie's footballs are made of orphans' intestines wrapped in the brains of dolphins that had previously been freed from tuna nets by Greenpeace activists.
- John Leslie's kitchen floor is made of linoleum.
- John Leslie has four oven glands, which he regularly uses to supply black-market ovens to Kim Jong-Il for a hefty profit.
- John Leslie is not a wizard; however, his eyeballs were once stolen by Cilla Black and kept in a jam jar until the vernal equinox.
- John Leslie insists his name be the first two words in any sentence that refers to him in the nominative.
- John Leslie once took a dump on the bonnet of Les Dennis's Austin Allegro Vanden Plas while also raping a 13 month old billy goat and stealing milk from his doorstep.
- He was later rapeed himself by Susan Boyle, then Lady Gaga after he turn down having a Threesome with two men.
- John Leslie's favorite food is corned beef. His least favorite is Porridge.
- John Leslie spends every saturday evening in his bathroom dressed as a duck with the birdie song on loop.
- John Leslie was the first man to invent a time machine in the year 2026.... however it destroyed the existence of the human race. In a last ditch effort to save mankind, he returned to present day to prevent the machine from ever being built. Watch out. There are now 2 Leslie's about!