Bikini Inspector

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The Official Seal of the Office of the Bikini Inspector

The Office of the Bikini Inspector was created by the Government of the United States in 1946, for the purpose of safeguarding the moral integrity of the country. A series of standards were created to ensure that bikinis worn in public places conformed to the morals inherent in the culture, including the amount of fabric permitted, width, length, transparency, transparency when wet, ease of removal, and Erect Nipple Concealment (ENC). Highly trained Bikini Inspectors move around the country, making random checks at local pools, beaches, waterparks, car washes, public parks, boardwalks, Hooters restaurants, kiddie pools, anywhere with a hose, and Hugh Hefner's mansion, to ensure that any and all bikinis being worn conform to these standards. Violators are prosecuted in a variety of ways, depending on the nature and severity of the offense.

Training

Here, a potential female Bikini Inspector undergoes suffocation training.

Many people believe that becoming a Bikini Inspector involves months of grueling, miserable training in draconian conditions. They are correct. Dropout rates in the Bikini Inspector Academy average well over 80%, as trainees are unable to handle the extreme physical and psychological stresses. Neck injuries are extremely common; in particular, Bikini Inspectors must always be on the lookout for signs of impending Swivel-Neck Syndrome (SNS), a condition resulting from attempting to look in every possible direction at once. Alcohol related injuries are also common, as potential Inspectors must adhere to a strict policy of frequent imbibing, to prepare them for the parties and raves which they will be required to attend in their careers. Suffocation training is considered to be one of the more arduous regimens; in it, the trainee is required to bury his or her face in a pair of bikini clad breasts for a specified period of time, and must retain consciousness and coherence. This important training has saved the life of many a Bikini Inspector in the field when the inspection process got out of hand.

This training may seem harsh, but it is necessary. The life of a professional Bikini Inspector is a difficult one, fraught with danger. A Bikini Inspector will be required, for decades at a time, to travel around the country spending most days drinking, partying, and most importantly, looking at breasts and buttocks, seeking and penalizing infractions. It is a stressful life, and the training reflects this.

Duties

A Bikini Inspector performing an inspection. He has noticed that the bikini wearer is showing insufficient crack, and is preparing to impose penalties.

The Bikini Inspector and his or her tools (tape measure, face, pitcher full of water, hands, libido) co-operate to ensure an accurate measuring and enforcing of all Standards set out in the Bikini Standards Act of 1946. The Bikini Inspector visits areas with a high risk of bikini-wearing, and identifies and inspects potential infractions. Inspection takes many forms:

• Measuring the fabric-to-skin ratio, to ensure that the bikini does not cover up too much;
• Watching as the bikini-wearer jumps up and down, to ensure sufficient jiggliness;
• Ensuring that nipples which are erect press firmly against the fabric of the bikini and are clearly visible;
• Ensuring that the bikini becomes less opaque, and preferably completely transparent, when wet;
• Ensuring that the bikini-wearer is doing her part to become inebriated;
• Ensuring that sufficient sideboob is exposed;
• Half-jokingly attempting to remove the bikini, to ensure that it comes off with sufficient ease, and;
• Motorboating.

Dress Code

Following the case of Carlton Sandbags in 1956 (see below), a mandatory dress code was instituted for Inspectors, to ensure that they followed the same directives they strove to enforce. Prior to that event, Inspectors had been free to wear whatever they chose, with Reginald being the first to abandon the spirit of the Office, forcing it to codify and begin enforcing the things Inspectors wore. Since this didn't really change the average work uniform of the Inspectors, none of them really seemed to notice.

Males

The dress code of the Male Inspector consists of bottoms, an optional top, and optional footwear. The bottoms may be beach shorts, Speedos, or a towel, at the Inspector's discretion. Male inspectors are encouraged to go shirtless, but if a shirt is to be worn, it must adhere to similar guidelines as those for the female bikini top; it must be either thin enough to not really conceal anything, or a sufficiently small tank top. Hawaiian shirts are also permitted, so long as they are left unbuttoned and nothing is worn underneath them. Going barefoot is likewise encouraged where possible, but the Inspector is free to wear flip-flops or sandals should they desire. Socks with sandals and crocs are expressly forbidden.

Females

The female Inspector is held to the same standards as the bikini babes she is charged to inspect. The female uniform is far less codified than the male one, so long as standards of skimpiness, translucency, and thinness of material are upheld. Likewise, female Inspectors go barefoot where possible, with similar exceptions for footwear as their male counterparts, with the additional caveat that female Inspectors are, if they choose, permitted to wear knee-high leather boots. This right is not frequently invoked, but it has been used in the past to incredible effect.

Standards

The Bikini Standards Act sets out rigid guidelines for what is and is not acceptable in a given bikini. These regulations are routinely ignored by Inspectors, who are commonly too drunk when in the field to remember them anyway. Fortunately, monitoring of Bikini Inspectors who have graduated from the training program is, at best, nonexistent. Be warned; anyone who presents him or herself to you as a Bikini Inspector, while giving lip service to the traditions of their forebears, are most likely making the rules up as ideas pop into their booze-sodden brains. This is considered professional behavior; make sure you comply rapidly with any tests presented to you. It's the law.

Penalties

Penalties are at the discretion of the Bikini Inspector who has discovered the infraction. These penalties are not assessed in the form of monetary fines; rather, they are a form of community service. Often, if they are still sober enough to speak, the inspector will mandate that the penalty actions be performed on the spot, along with a promise from the bikini wearer to correct the infraction, and mend her ways in the future. Penalties may include, but by no means are limited to, the following:

• Jumping up and down;
  

  This bikini wearer committed an infraction so severe that she had her bikini wearing rights revoked on the spot. As a result, she is forced to cover her nipples with pieces of trash found on the beach.
• Flashing;
• Mooning;
• Making out with another bikini wearer with a pending infraction;
• Public apology;
• Giving the man in the boat a backrub (Applicable only when the inspector and bikini wearer are on a boat);
• A solid motorboating by the Inspector;
• Giving a solid motorboating to the Inspector (more common with female inspectors);
• Taking a shot;
• Psychological counseling;
• Cameltoeing;
• Breaking large rocks into smaller rocks with a sledgehammer, or;
• Immediate, on-the-spot revoking of bikini-wearing rights.

Keep in mind that these penalties are not a complete list; Bikini Inspectors are permitted, even encouraged, to make up penalties as they see fit to suit any given situation, infraction, or just whenever they feel like it.

Scandals

Bikini Inspectors are human, just like anyone else. Occasionally, one will give in to his or her baser urges, and perform actions unbecoming to a Bikini Inspector. Reports of Bikini Inspectors behaving in such ways are taken seriously by the Office, and all such reports are investigated by Senior Inspectors. The Bikini Inspector in question is put on suspension in a secure location until their guilt or innocence can be determined.

Carlton Sandbags, 1956

Carlton Sandbags is the first recorded case of a Bikini Inspector being found guilty of his crimes. Carlton, who earned the nickname 'Sandbags' in his academy days because of his last name, was found guilty of Gross Misconduct Against Common Decency for his actions on South Beach, Florida, during Spring Break of 1956.

Carlton, according to reports, had allowed the drudgery and misery of constantly having to look at breasts to overwhelm him. During the winter of 1955-1956, he spent all of his time in his apartment, with the doors and windows shut and covered. His friends and co-workers had become concerned because Carlton had stopped drinking alcohol, a sure sign of depression. Several people attempted to visit him during the course of that fateful winter, but none were allowed into the apartment, with Carlton telling them only that he was performing 'research'. When the winter ended and the time came for Carlton to resume his inspection duties for the year, he emerged from his apartment a changed man. In place of his traditional irreverent t-shirts and faded blue jeans, Carlton was dressed in a sharp, clean three-piece suit. More worryingly, his hair, formerly wind-blown into a beautiful, artistic ruff, had been cut and greased and now pressed close to his scalp. Co-workers were understandably concerned, but he refused to discuss the changes with them. At the time, there was no official dress code for Bikini Inspectors, and so he was allowed to leave to begin his rounds. This incident, in fact, was the impetus for the implementation of the Inspector Dress Code. It didn't last long. At his very first assignment on south beach, he approached the first bikini clad woman he saw, a common rookie mistake that a veteran like Carlton had not committed in years. He strode up to her, on the beach, with his Official Seal clearly visible. The young woman, one Maryanne Skintone, saw the Seal and assumed, not unreasonably, that she was going to be subject to a formal Investigation. She had undergone such investigations before, and they held no fear for her.

But to her horror, Carlton had become demented during the winter. Stopping several feet short of Maryanne, well out of groping range, he proceeded to quietly inform her in a reasonable tone that she was underdressed, forgoing the traditional Inspector method of hootin' and hollerin' and cheering the scantily clad young woman on. She was understandably distressed, but it would get worse. Carlton spent up to a minute calmly trying to convince Maryanne that her incredibly nubile body needed to be covered, as though it were some sort of abomination. On the verge of tears, Maryanne replied to Carlton that her body was a work of art, and that she had the right, nay, the duty to display it, bringing joy and happiness to all around. The crowd which had begun to gather, naturally, cheered her on.

Carlton was having none of it. He calmed down further, exhorted the crowd to silence, and then reached into his backpack and pulled out a heavy wool sweater and a pair of thick, loose denim jeans. Aghast, Maryanne finally burst into tears, and defiantly tore her bikini top from her body. When Carlton attempted to forcibly cover Maryanne's juicy joybags, the crowd finally broke out of its stupor and restrained him. The Office was called, and arrived quickly to pick up the calm, non-partying Carlton and remove him from the scene. In the resulting tribunal, Carlton was convicted, his Bikini Inspector status revoked, and he was sentenced to five years judging pole-dancing contests. Maryanne was lauded as a hero both during the tribunal and in nation-wide media, where images of her proudly baring her breasts against oppression brought her untold fame. To this day, Maryanne is an activist working tirelessly against those who would censor her delicious body, and the bodies of those like her.

Reginald Horeboner, 1969

The case of Reginald Horeboner is one of the more controversial cases the Office has had to deal with in its history. To this day, the debate stemming from the incident rages, with both sides loudly exhorting their arguments to anyone who will listen. The case remains in the legal system, with the various suits, counter-suits, and appeals as yet unresolved.

In mid-summer, 1969, a young woman by the name of Bertha Laydenbed approached Reginald as he was going about his duties at a Bikini Carwash for Charity in Omaha, Nebraska. She had a question for him; a question that was innocuous at the time, but which would have consequences which would reverberate throughout the country. Bertha had two bikinis, and was choosing which one to wear to the carwash. She presented Reginald with them both, and asked him to decide which of the two would be more appropriate, according to the Office, for the event.

The two bikinis were very different. One was slightly smaller than the other, with a thicker, dark green fabric, and showed slightly more in terms of sideboob, butt-crack, and hip. The other bikini, though possessed of more fabric, was made of an extremely thin, filmy white material, guaranteed to be rendered almost utterly transparent in the presence of even the slightest amount of water. In addition, the support provided by the additional fabric would quite obviously hug Bertha's breasts closer together, providing superior cleavage.

It was a quandary. Bertha's friends yelled their opinions in a single wall of sound, as is proper. They were divided, more or less equally, between the two bikinis. Reginald agonized over the decision, exhorting Bertha to try them both on, one after the other, repeatedly. The crowd, while delighted by the selection process, soon demanded a formal decision. Reginald made his choice; he preferred the smaller, green bikini to the thin white one.

The decision is, of course, debatable. However, one must take into account the fact that Nebraska is perhaps the most sexually liberal state, with multiple sexual conduct laws regarding such things as mandatory nudity, required indecency, as well as bylaws with maximum clothing allowances and minimum partying standards. In such a sexually strict state, official Office policy requires the most exposure of nipple as possible. Despite the ensuing debate, the position of the Office should quite clearly have been made in favor of the bikini which would clearly display the nipple in the circumstances.

Reginald was never convicted of any offense; his mistake, despite the firestorm it set off, was made in a good-faith attempt to view as much female skin as possible. He was, like all of us, only human. In lieu of conviction, he was put into early retirement; he is no longer an official Bikini Inspector, but with the pension and lifestyle to which his years of faithful service entitle him.

Stacey Areolus, 1993

Stacey was a competent, if undistinguished, Inspector, with three years of solid service behind her. She was popular among the public for her tendency to unilaterally declare Mandatory Nudity, and frequently joined in herself. This was technically a violation of the Dress Code, but these incidents were overlooked in light of the fact that she was smokin'.

In the winter of 1993, Stacey was one of the inspectors tasked with winter duty in southern California. She was on duty at a local sorority which was holding its baby-oil wrestling finals, which promised to be a spectacular event. She was, as was proper, rigidly enforcing the Removability standards, ensuring that all bikinis to be worn by the contestants would fall off if they were so much as looked at too hard. The event was proceeding in the finest traditions of the Office.

The night took a turn for the worse because Stacey had neglected one of her duties; halfway through the event, at approximately one in the morning after only seven hours of oil wrestling, the supply of baby oil was depleted. Dozens of runners were send on baby-oil runs, tasked to procure all that they possibly could, but to no avail; no stores were open that carried more than a small bottle or two. The event coordinators attempted to continue, but without lubrication the chafing soon put an end to the night.

The sorority coordinators bore the brunt of the blame; they had been the ones responsible for amassing the stockpile of baby oil, and a review of their calculations showed that they had not included the coefficient of friction in determining how much oil would be used in each match. They resigned in shame from their House, and entered voluntary exile, dooming themselves to spend the rest of their college lives doing little but studying and writing papers. It would have ended there, had not Stacey been there that night. As the official Inspector on site, she had a responsibility to inspect the preparations that had been made and engage in due diligence to ensure that the event would go on for as long as possible. Though not responsible for the tragic miscalculation that doomed this event, Stacey was judged to be guilty of Negligent Party Inspecting, and lost her license to officially Inspect Bikinis. Today, she works for a non-profit organization in Australia, tirelessly promoting women's body pride, and teaching young women how best to flaunt what they got. In spite of her mistake and the subsequent scandal, she is still considered to hold the proper attitudes with regards to sexual decency.

External links

• A page set up for trainee Inspectors, to help them hone their skills
• A longtime bikini inspector describes the rigors of the job