Extreme Beach Chess
Extreme Beach Chess is an alternative sport combining elements of logic, mental prowess, and computational models with the enjoyability of watching barely clothed girls frolicking on a beach for no particular reason. It is a twist on the recreational and competitive game of chess, but it's played by extremely attractive women in bikinis rather than sex-deprived high school students and old men. It has become the basis for a number of video games as well as several spinoff sports such as "XTREME BEACH SPELLING BEES" and "EXTREME BEACH SOLITAIRE."
Rules[edit]
In the game, two women, required by the game rules to be between the ages of 16 and 23 and hot, compete in a game of chess which is required to involve at least one fight or other full-contact activity. In Extreme Beach Chess team usually consists of 19 members, one to play chess, and 18 to watch, cheer, bounce up and down excitedly, and occasionally get in fights. When Extreme Beach Chess matches are shown on TV, the cameraman often spends the entire time zooming in on the bathing suits of various team members, rather than filming the actual game. As a matter of fact, few of the players actually know how to play chess, they simply move the pieces around the board randomly until one of them decides to yell "Checkmate!" at which point they are immediately given a trophy, and asked to bend over in order to pick the trophy up to ensure a good cleavage shot. The winning team's members are required to scream and hug each other for at least 20 minutes at the end of every game.
The streaking problem[edit]
Extreme Beach Chess sees a very high number of streakers per game, an issue that has many parents growing increasingly concerned. People go streaking differently during extreme beach chess matches than in most other sports; rather than running across the field naked, streakers are fully clothed, which usually comes as a major shock to viewers of the game. "I took my family here to see people without any clothes on!" screamed one traumatized mother after three obese men wearing snowpants and jackets ran across the field during a game of Extreme Beach Chess, "Not to see people wearing...CLOTHES!" It is often considered completely inappropriate, even outrageous, for people to run across the beach wearing anything more than a bathing suit. One man, who ran across the field wearing a football uniform, was arrested and given a large fine for his conduct. Perhaps the most famous incident was a half-time performance at the 2001 one Extreme Beach Chess championship, in which a male performer put a coat and a hat on the nude woman he was singing alongside of. The incident, which MTV had planned, led to several large fines.
Video game[edit]
Inspired by the growing popularity of the game in the United States, Europe, and, strangely enough, Antarctica, EA Games created a video game based on Extreme Beach Chess, which they creatively called "EXTREME BEACH CHESS." A sequel, with the equally creative title of "EXTREME BEACH CHESS 2," was released the following year along with several companion games such as "EXTREME BEACH CHESS ON A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BEACH," "EXTREME BEACH CHESS--AT NIGHT!" and "EXTREME BEACH CHESS--WITH SAVINGS!" Along with these titles, EA Games released several other "Extreme Beach" themed video games, including "EXTREME BEACH CHECKERS," "EXTREME BEACH MONOPOLY," and the ever-popular "EXTREME BEACH WHACK-A-MOLE."
In the video game, the players are highly customizable, and their physical features can be completely unhindered by such inconveniences as the laws of physics. Players can customize their women's breast sizes by making them up to 20 feet in diameter (which, in real life, would make playing chess, or even breathing, extremely difficult, but in the game it only serves to make it extremely arousing to watch the players run).
The "EXTREME BEACH CHESS" video game became the center of a major controversy in the gaming industry in April of 2003. As an April Fool's joke, a gaming magazine released a "clothing cheat," or a cheat that would make all the players wear clothes (in the default version of the game, they are nude). As it turned out, the cheat actually caused the player's gaming system to explode, killing anyone within a ten foot radius. "Well, I thought it was funny," the publisher of the magazine reportedly said on his way to prison.
Extreme Beach "EXTREME BEACH VOLLEYBALL"[edit]
The rise of Extreme Beach Chess also inspired the birth of a new sport, called Extreme Beach "EXTREME BEACH VOLLEYBALL", a sport in which barely clothed women sit down on a beach with an XBox and play the video game "Extreme Beach Volleyball." A videogame based on this sport is slated for release, which will most likely be an extremely confusing game. Once the game is released, a new sport will likely arise in which barely clothed women on beaches will play that game, a sport which will probably be called Extreme Beach "Extreme Beach "EXTREME BEACH VOLLEYBALL"" or something equally confusing.
Position as a world sport[edit]
After its founding, extreme beach chess became increasingly popular, being played everywhere from the coast of California to central Idaho (how they played a beach sport in a state without beaches is still unknown). A world championship was held on a beach in Hawaii annually for over forty years, before the leader of the World Extreme Beach Chess Corporation suddenly realized how preposterous the sport really was, and all future matches were abruptly canceled.