Global Boring
Global Boring is a term used to describe the widely accepted scientific conclusion that the world is getting progressively less and less interesting, and will ultimately become so incredibly dull it will no longer be able to support human life. The phenomenon of Global boring is reportedly the cause of an increased suicide rate among pirates, which in turn contributes to Global Warming.
Origins of theory[edit]
On May 19, 1984, college biology professor Jim Wubbins first proposed the theory that has sparked a great deal of controversy in recent years. He had noticed that the world was 15 times more mundane than in 1900. This fascinated him, and he began an in-depth study that would occupy his complete attention for the next several months. He ultimately arrived at the conclusion that the world was growing more and more dreary as the years passed, and that this "boring trend" was caused by human activity on the planet Earth.
Evidence[edit]
Today, more and more scientists are becoming alarmed as the evidence indicating that the world is getting boring has increased. "Just look at news stories today compared with news stories from the 1940's," says Douglas E. Gleeb, headmaster of Canada's only college (which is a one-room class of 4 students in the basement of a music store), "back in the 1940's, we had mad dictators trying to take over the planet, mass genocides, and all sorts of other truly interesting things going on. And then look at today. We have a genocide, but it's in some African country that most Americans can't even pronounce. And as for mad dictators, the only threat that's around today is some diseased old fart lying around in a cave with kidney dialysis. I mean, come on!!! How dreary is THAT?!?!?!?" Incidents of death by boredom have become 5 times more frequent in the last ten years. What's more, the 11 most uninteresting years in recorded history have all been within the last fourteen years. Suicide rates have increased drastically, especially among pirates, who have shorter attention spans than any other human beings next to politicians. The increased death rate of pirates is reportedly the sole cause of global warming, a much less well-known scientific theory. "It all comes down to global boring," continues professor Gleeb, "all of the world's problems, except for sub-par wiki articles, can be attributed to this boring trend. If global boring is stopped, the pirates won't all die out, so global warming will stop and the earth will be safe once more."
Causes[edit]
Perhaps the most controversial aspect of the global boring theory is the assertion of every scientist on the face of the earth that it is caused by human beings. "Why should we listen to the scientists?" says conservative news host Bill O'Reilly, "after all, they are only the smartest people on the planet!!! Would could they know???" Recently, Al Sharpton released a documentary entitled A convenient (for me, because this movie will sell millions of tickets) truth. The movie was a combination of evidence revealing that humans are the cause of global boring, and uninteresting monologues about Sharpton's personal life. The film asserts that human beings are the most important contributors to global boring. Every other nation in the world, except the United States and Botswana has signed a treaty taking the initiative to fight Global Boring. These nations have all passed bills requiring people to decrease their mundaneness by 35% by 2008. However, in the United States, no initiative has been taken to fight against the issue. Recent studies reveal that America contains 85% of the world's most boring people. "We have to fight this growing trend before it becomes too late!" screams Al Sharpton at the end of his documentary, before a rousing chorus of the Oscar-Winning song This song has nothing to do with Global Boring begins, causing the three people who were still in the theater to run screaming from the room.
Controversy[edit]
A grand total of two scientists believe human beings do not cause global boring. One, named Burt Cranberry is a janitor at University of Cuba who has a high school diploma in basic addition. The other works for an oil company, and is also known for his belief that human beings are not the cause of deforestation, poaching, pollution, and war. Both of these scientists cite the "Medieval Boring Period" as evidence that this uninteresting phase of Earth's history is just that: a phase. According to one of the scientists: "No one could deny that the world is getting duller. As a matter of fact, I'm having trouble staying awake right now. Actually, if it weren't for my GameCube, my Ipod, and some of my old Seamus albums, I probably would have jumped off a bridge by now. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is that global boring is just a natural fluctuation, and I'm sure something exciting will happen soon." However, the so-called Medieval Boring Period was, in reality, only mildly boring in comparison with today. Says Douglas Gleeb on the subject: "You see, there were a lot of bored people during that period, BUT what most people don't realize is that the Bubonic Plague was raging right at that same time. Thousands upon thousands of people dying in nasty ways, it doesn't get much more exciting than that!!!" In retaliation, Burt Cranberry assured Mr. Gleeb that "oh, you just wait ten years, professor! Bird Flu has the potential to become a pandemic, and if it does, we won't be bored any more!! You just wait!!! In a few years, the world will be perfectly entertaining and interesting again, you'll see!!" His optimism is not shared by everyone however, as all other scientists in the world agree that humans cause global boring, and it will cause mass disinterest within the next 30 years. Burt says: "I don't care what the other scientists say!!! I bet none of those other scientists graduated with a high school diploma from Altamont High School in Utah!!! I think Cows are the cause of this, not humans!!! As a matter of fact, cows are fifteen times more boring than humans are!! Every time a cow yawns, the world gets duller!! IT'S THE COWS!!! WE MUST KILL THE COWS!!!!" There are some groups against this. Thus, it would be necessary to get rid of these groups.
Movements to fight global boring[edit]
L.G.T.H.O.O.H.[edit]
Most scientists are past caring. They've been trying to convince the world to listen to them for years, but there are many people who still won't listen. So, since they are being blatantly ignored, scientists have given up all hope of trying to convince the public that they are in serious danger of becoming extremely bored in the next 20 years. Instead, scientists are concentrating all their intelligence on a project called L.G.T.H.O.O.H, or "Let's Get the Heck Out Of Here." They plan to build a rocket, with which they will leave Earth in hopes of finding a more interesting planet.
The Cow Cull Clan[edit]
Since his radical "kill the cows" rant, Burt Cranberry has become increasingly anti-cow. He now asserts that cows are not only behind global boring, but they are also the sole causes of war, disease, starvation, genocide, terrorism and AIDS. He has founded the Cow Clux Clan, a radical hate group targeting cows. They have lynched 47 cows so far, splitting thirty dollars worth of rope in the process.
The "Save our Pirates" pirate breeding and integration program[edit]
A group of environmentalists from around the world has united for the purpose of tackling one of the most threatening issues of global warming: increased pirate suicide rates. There are now only about 89 pirates left on the open ocean, with about 18 more being kept in captivity. "We hope to acquire a breeding pair soon," says Ted Vicksburg, president of the San Francisco pirate breeding program. "If we can get two of them to successfully mate, we can then integrate them into the wild. But you see, female pirates are very elusive, and most who we do manage to capture turn out to be gaylesbians. This makes acquiring a breeding pair extremely difficult." Thus far, they have opened up a pirate refuge in Barbados, where they have successfully released five pirates who were born in captivity into the wild.
The "Make Earth Interesting" Campaign[edit]
Canada (of all countries) is actually doing something of interest for the first time in the history of the planet. They have managed to convert completely from being boring. Every single Canadian who was even remotely boring received a brochure on "how to have an environmentally friendly personality." Now, roughly 67% of Canada's most boring people have become downright interesting. A group of representatives of this Canadian reform movement is now touring the world, aiming for some of its least interesting places such as Cleveland and Australia. "We are setting our goals high for the future, and trying to stay optimistic," says group founder Nigel Doy, "after all, if we could make Canada an interesting place, there MUST still be hope for the rest of the world."