Seamus
“Seamus. That's the dog.”
“Why am I on you?”
“How can there possibly be an entire article on Seamus?!”
“Run!”
“woof woof arrrrrr woof woof arff arf.”
Seamus was a dog whose musical career spanned from his debut solo album in 1961 to his death in 2003. He was most notable for being the unnofficial 6th member of Pink Floyd, although in recent years he has also gained notoriety for his solo works.
Early Life[edit]
Seamus was born in a dumpster in Biddeford, Maine, on June 23rd 1952. He immediately showed musical prowess, writing his first song when he was still an embryo. By the time his mother gave birth to him, he had already written 75 symphonies. He got his very first job as a seeing eye dog for Louise Clamydia, a 90 year old local prostitute with uncontrollable urinary issues. Seamus worked for her for two years straight. He soon grew tired of the dull job, so he led Louise into a nearby ravine. In 1959, Seamus left Biddeford with hopes of becoming a star of the music industry.
Solo debut[edit]
Seamus was successively turned down by 95 different music publishing companies in the first week of his trying to get published. However, his first big break came in 1961, when he was hired by Marvin Pancake (more commonly known as Unrelated Quotes Guy) to write the soundtrack to an Avant-Garde film called Udder Kazoo Armpit Mayhem. Seamus worked tirelessly in his Las Vegas hotel room for eight days straight, refusing to leave the room except for occasional visits to fire hydrants and brothels. Seamus finished his soundtrack on July 6th, 1961, two days after production of Udder Kazoo Armpit Mayhem came to a close. Seamus's soundtrack was ten disks long. The first nine disks were completely silent. The tenth disk was silent up until the final 30 seconds, which featured the sound of a transvestite puking into a plastic bag at one-quarter speed. The film Udder Kazoo Armpit Mayhem featured a blank screen for 47 consecutive hours, so Seamus's music went well with the film's visuals. Seamus's soundtrack was nominated for an Oscar for "Best original score," but he lost to The land before time XXXVII. The experience left Seamus devastated, and his melancholy attitude towards the film industry was reportedly the influence for his next album.
Wombat Mcgee and the Collision Pinneapple[edit]
In 1965, Seamus released his all new solo album: Wombat Mcgee and the Collision Pinneapple. The album reached #243,940 on the Billboard Charts in the United States. The album consisted of two songs. One was 48 minutes long and featured the sound of an ant crawling across the microphone. The other was called "The incredibly short song that has a very long name for such a short song but is still a good song even though it is short and not long and." The song was 2 seconds long, and featured the sound of Frank Zappa stubbing his toe. Seamus made $2.34 from his second solo album, an impressive profit when compared with the 32 cents he made from his 1961 soundtrack album.
The Golden Years[edit]
In 1966, Seamus swam from the United States to England in his sleep, after doing 34 pounds of LSD. He woke up in England having absolutely no clue where he was. It was just then that he would meet the group that would take him out of obscurity: Pink Floyd. At this time, Pink Floyd's music was popular with a grand total of three people, all of them living in mental institutions. Pink Floyd had already released 25 albums, and they had all sucked. The group had now been contracted to write yet another album, but none of them could remember how to write music because their brains had long since disintigrated due to overuse of every drug ever invented. However, Seamus managed to convince the band to let him write their next album for them. He wrote the album in four seconds, and it was called Meddle. Seamus helped the band record the album by playing every instrument on every song, while the other band members lay sprawled on the studio floor in a semi-unconscious state. The album featured Pink Floyd's first awesome song, "One of These Days," and also featured a song called "Seamus." The song was about Seamus the dog, and contained lovely, poetic lyrics. Seamus sung lead vocals on the song, while David Gilmour howled in the background. Meddle became the first Pink Floyd album that sold more than one copy. Seamus was hired as a full-time writer for the band. He would single-handedly write their entire follow up album, Dark Side of the Moon, and he would sing lead vocals on one of the album's most popular tracks, the great gig in the sky. The album became an instant hit, selling 200,000,000,000 copies in its first 2 seconds of being released.
High Tensions and Breakup with Pink Floyd[edit]
Roger Waters's increased use of mind-altering drugs led him to believe that he had written most of the songs on Dark Side of the Moon, so he refused to put Seamus's name in the writing credits. Tensions between Waters and Seamus increased through the recording of their next album, Wish You Were Here. The arguments between the two of them became increasingly heated. According to David Gilmour: "Seamus and Roger never really stopped fighting once they started. First, they would scream at each other until their vocal cords no longer functioned. Then, they would attack each other violently. One time, Roger ripped one of Seamus's ears off and ate it. Seamus got his revenge by ripping off Roger's eyelids with fishhooks. They would continue fighting until they had both been reduced to unrecognizable mounds of mutilated flesh."
Since Roger Waters and Seamus had argued so much, the band had only recorded about four minutes of new songs. So, the keyboardist, Richard Wright, threw together a series of 20 minute keyboard solos to tie the album together. Wright had saved the unity of the band for now, but Roger Waters was so mad at him, he ripped what was left of his brain out, and Richard Wright would never write a song for Pink Floyd again. For the followup album, "Animals," Seamus's input would be rather low because his fury was interfering with his creative abilities. Now, he was only writing 14 concertos per day, as opposed to the 57 that he was once capable of. Waters did allow Seamus to contribute backing vocals for the song "Dogs," but when Seamus made a suggestion about changing the song's lyrics, Waters became so furious he ripped Seamus's spleen out. Seamus sliced Waters's leg off with a chainsaw in retaliation. By the end of the duel, Seamus and Waters had both been reduced to two disembodied brains lying in pools of blood on the recording studio floor. Plastic surgeons managed to restore their bodies adequately, but the damage had been done: Seamus abandoned Pink Floyd and returned to the United States.
Mental Breakdown[edit]
Sample from Seamus: Deballed After Seamus left Pink Floyd, his mental condition rapidly worsened. First, he got himself neutered at a local animal hospital, and kept his own reproductive organs as a "lucky charm." He attempted to write another solo project, entitled "Seamus: Deballed" but his unstable condition had an extremely negative impact on the quality of the album. The album's title track was also it's only song. The 78 minute song consisted merely of a winy, high-pitched voice repeating the phrase "my toenails are bloody" over and over, with occasional outbreaks of maniacal laughter, and an extremely terrifying bloodcurtling scream at the very end. The album was a total flop, and the title track was voted by Rolling Stone magazine as one of the worst songs ever written, second only to "Ballroom Blitz." Disheartened by increasing criticism, Seamus was prompted by MTV to try and bring his career back by doing something ridiculous and controvertial. So, on May 19th, 1981, in the middle of a concert at the MTV music awards, he made out with Britney Spears, ripped Janet Jackson's clothes off, and then proceeded to eat his own disembodied reproductive organs. He was universally condemned by every organization on the face of the Earth, apart from the ACLU. Controversy surrounding him increased when it was revealed that it was "a distinct possibility" that he was the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. Despite the fact that he was despised by every human being on the face of the earth, he attempted to release another solo album in 1990. The album was called "Seamus's album." It didn't have any songs on it. As a matter of fact, no CD was ever recorded. The copies of "Seamus's Album" that were sent to music stores were just empty CD cases. Seamus's producer, Douglas J. Kashisidk, said in a statement that "The empty CD cases are symbolic of how all commercially advertised products are scams." Shortly after making that statement, Douglas was lynched. Seamus was devastated by the loss of his producer, until three days later when he had forgotten that he ever had one. He returned to Biddeford to live in his dumpster again.
Comeback[edit]
Seamus continued to live in the dumpster until 2000, when an official Pink Floyd reunion concert was declared. All funds raised by the reunion would be donated to T.S.F.T.E.O.R.W.B.A, or The Society for the Expansion of Roger Waters's Bank Account. Seamus agreed to appear on stage with the band, and sung Seamus, Great Gig in the Sky, and Dogs for the first time in years. After the performance, Seamus decided he was ready to try his luck in the musical world yet again, and so he threw his dumpster off a cliff. He decided to begin his comeback by joining many other performers at a Live 8 concert to fight the spread of global boring. Seamus performed "Wombat McGee and the Collision Pineapple" onstage with Bono. By the end of the song, half the audience had died of boredom, and Bono went insane and was sent to a mental institution. He has not recovered since. Seamus's performance at the Live 8 concert was later cited by scientists as one of the leading causes of global boring. This setback temporarily rattled Seamus's confidence, but he was still eager to return to the recording studio to record another album. He released his final solo album, entitled I hope this doesn't turn out to be my final solo album, on August 18, 2001. The album is often considered his best solo album. It was an 85-disk album consisting of one super extended song called "Ping." The first three disks were completely silent. The next 15 consisted of a low bass note. Over the next 67 disks, the music gradually built up upon itself, becoming more and more rediculously intricate, until the 84th disk, which is played by 1300 musicians, each playing a different musical instrument. In the final disk, the song builds up to an almost unbearably epic level, and just when it seems it is just about to reach its climax, all the music abruptly stops, and a janitor's voice is heard saying "dammit! I screwed up the recording!" The last 23 minutes of the song consist of the sounds of the janitor sweeping the recording studio floor. The album sold 14 copies in its first week, which delighted Seamus. The album became increasingly popular among potheads over the next year, until it had sold over 300,000 copies. It's reputation was slightly stained by the fact that the album alone was enough to fill an entire Ipod, and by the fact that it could kill people who suffered from epilepsy. Despite its setbacks, the album had greatly increased Seamus's popularity. So, he decided to try live concerts again. He scheduled a comeback tour, to begin on June 23, 2003.
"A tragic end"[edit]
On the night of May 19, 2003, only a month before his tour was to begin, Seamus decided it was high time he learned to drive. He hopped in the Ferrarri that his mother had given him for his birthday, and stepped on the pedal. He rocketed backwords, out of his driveway, and slammed into a tree on the other side of the road. He survived the crash without injury, and climbed out of the car unharmed. At that precise moment, the tree he had hit fell on him. He managed to wriggle out from under the tree with only minor injuries, and proceeded to walk back across the road towards his house. At that precise moment, he was struck by an Land rover and smashed. His body was discovered the next morning, and his death made the 546th page of the Daily Telegraph. His last words were reportedly "arf arf, grrrrrrrr, arf arf woof woof." Roger Waters translated this to mean "I leave my entire fortune to my best buddy, Roger Waters"
Discography[edit]
Udder Kazoo Ampit Mayhem (1961)
Discs 1-10. "Udder Kazoo Armpit Mayhem"- 80:00 (x10)
Wombat McGee and the Collision Pineapple (1965)
1. Untitled- 48:00
2. "The Incredibly Short Song that has a Very Long Name for Such a Short Song but is Still a Good Song even Though it is Short and not Long and"- :02
Seamus: Deballed (1981)
1. "Seamus: Deballed"- 78:00
Seamus' Album (???)
(nothing)
I Hope This Doesn't Turn Out to be my Final Studio Album (2001)
Discs 1-85. "Ping"- 80:00 (x85)
Concert Footage[edit]
This is the only footage ever taken of Seamus playing with Pink Floyd. On this particular night, Seamus had been drinking heavily, and was very reluctant to perform leading vocals on the improvised blues song they were performing. He agreed to sing the song eventually, but only if he got to lie down. Not that it mattered, because there was no audience (the band, in a state of drug-induced hallucination, had driven to the wrong location to play the show).