Mexican-American War

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Mexico at its height of conquest, 2007.

“The Mexican-American War had to be fought. If it hadn't been, people all around you would be speaking Spanish right now. If it hadn't been fought, every time you would call a customer service number, they'd tell you to press "one" for English.”

~ President James K. Polk on the Mexican-American War

The Mexican-American War was a conflict that began in 2007 between the United States of America and the Mexico.

Mexico invades[edit]

Border Offensive[edit]

Main article: Border Offensive

Pancho led his army to several victories, taking much of the Southwest. His victories led all of the Pacific coast to come under Mexican rule.

Battle of Corner Canyon[edit]

After taking the West Coast, Pancho led his army into Utah in hopes of taking it as well. But in a decisive push, the Utahians prevented Pancho from advancing in his first loss. This loss led him to open a new theatre of War in the Northeast.

Battle of Cape Cod[edit]

With word that Ted Kennedy had aided the Mexicans spreading, Pancho assumed that the US Government would soon attempt to capture him. In a daring manouevre, he ordered a large contingency of Mexican soldiers into Cape Cod in an attempt to rescue Ted Kennedy. Though costly, it was successful and the Mexican soldiers attempted to escort him to Mexican occupied Texas.

Alaska, Newfoundland Surrender[edit]

Alaska and Newfoundland did not get word of this, and surrendered. This led to the Battle of Placentia Bay.

Battle of Placentia Bay[edit]

One of Mexico's last great naval victories, this battle established Newfoundland as a part of Mexico, which it remains as to this day.

Battle of Corpus Christi[edit]

With the force retreating to Texas, and Pancho's personal force, the Mexican army hoped to regroup at Corpus Christi. They were, however, ambushed by Chuck Norris. Though outnumbered, he defeated the Mexican army and fatally wounded Pancho, who was carried off the battlefield severely wounded like a pussy. It marked the end of Pancho's reign, and marked a major turning point in the war.


Battle of Crawford[edit]

Main article: Battle of Crawford

With a new President and General, Sanchez, an attempt was made to gain air supremacy over Texas. The Texas Air National Guard, led by George W. Bush, countered a major offensive led by Cindy Sheehan, preventing the Mexicans from taking the air.

Battle of Pinto Frijoles[edit]

This battle was fought in the backlot behind Jones' Garden Center and Refreshments. The Mexican Walking Cavalry performed a frontal flanking maneuver against the combined American-Bulgarian troops being led by General Franklin Pierce. The battle was a see-saw affair as the fortunes of both forces went up and down. The battle is noted for Franklin Pierce's bravery after smacking his sack against his saddle horn and refusing to be taken from the field. It is said the high pitched commands he uttered after the saddle incident could be heard above the din of battle and allowed the American-Bulgarian forces to rule the day.

Fall of Washington[edit]

Main article: Fall of Washington

With the defeat of the entire Mexican Airforce in one battle, Democrats, fearing an impending American Victory, took over Washington, and effectively the entire Northeast. For reasons unknown, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia were also taken over. As George W. Bush was in Texas, they were unable to capture him, allowing the US to regroup and prepare its next move.

American Counter-attack[edit]

Southwest Campaign[edit]

Main article: Southwest Campaign

From Colorado, Arnold Schwarzenegger launched a campaign aimed at removing the Mexican strongholds from all of the Southwest. Over several days, he successfully pushed into California and defeated Sanchez at every turn. Some speculate that Pancho would have fared much better and possibly defended the land.

Operation: Hammer[edit]

Main article: Operation: Hammer

At the end of the war, the Republicans, lead by Tom Delay, charge Washington and take the Democrats head-on in a bloody battle. Peace is restored and balance is brought back to D.C.

Democratic and Mexican counter-attack[edit]

Democratic Takeover and fall of the Republicans[edit]

After Mexicans felt that there empire was threatened by the Republicans, Democratic elect Barack Obama decided to contribute. He and his Army of Democrats and Mexican soldiers marched to Washington. Declaring war on Republicans, led by John McCain. Eventually Mexico and Democrats teamed up and took over DC.

Invasion of Florida[edit]

Mexico had invaded Florida after Florida has more pro-Mexican supporters then anti-Mexican opponents. The Mexican Army had taken attack from the Bahamas, then kicked America's ass. America was preparing to fall.

Caribbean Campaign[edit]

Battle of Santiago[edit]

As the Mexicans and Russians lost there former Empire,they decided to take over some of it back. Mexican forces and Spartan forces took revenge of the USA.Making Mexico and Russia part of the Cuban Empire. The United States then bought half of Mexico for 15.4 million pesos, or $2.99 USD and later got there revenge on Russia by selling them 500 pounds of Vodka. But the Island is still disputed.

End of the war[edit]

Although the Americans had taken much land back, the Mexicans had the secret weapon of being drugged on burritos, this gave them a fanatical spirit meaning the Americans could never completely defeat them. In April 2010, the Mexicans staged a counter-counter attack where thousands of immigrants washed over America taking most of the states by surprise as they took many down many before they could react in a tide of fake passports and donkeys. There were many famous scenes of bravery in the battles that ensued, men fighting off hordes of Mexican soldiers by throwing buckets of water over them to sober them up as their families escaped. By June All but California under the command of President Schwarzenegger had fallen to the Mexicans and they prayed that a miracle would save them.

The battle of California[edit]

As the Mexicans closed in Arnold Schwarzenegger had to make a choice, it seemed the world did not know of this attack yet, and while he could escape, he would lose his beloved California. Saying that he would never retreat from a good fight, he sent all the people to Austria and sent a telegram with them. Armed only with the finest men in Washington, Arnold held the defenses of the state for 5 weeks, appearing as a beacon of hope where the fighting was the fiercest. As they fought they hoped the message had got through that someone who could help was warned. The fight culminated on the steps of Capitol Building. Arnold fell that day, grabbing handfuls of Mexicans and tossing them into the sun as he did so, the survivors formed a wall around his broken body and fought to protect it until help could arrive.

The most destructive battle ever in the history of mankind[edit]

Thankfully Arnold's message got through and a group composing of Bruce Willis, Oscar Wilde, Vin Diesel, Your Mom, a couple of hundred Na'vi, Sylvester Stallone and lead by Chuck Norris and Duke Nukem arrived by Helicopter. There are no records of what happened next but the closest one of the survivors got to explaining the fight went something along the lines of this:

See also[edit]