Wild Jew
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“It started off as a joke!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHH the Jew Claw!”
“Stop comparing me to Jews!”
“Ohhhh, Yes! Yes!...YES!”
“'Naughty squetta'! & 'Fancy a bong'?(Kenzie)”
The Wild Jew is a small apelike creature that is found mostly in the Colombian Rainforest.
They are a difficult animal to find as they stay reclusive during all but the late spring and early fall seasons when the weather is just right, on the rare occasion that they do come out of hiding during other time periods they tend to complain and bitch about even the smallest imperfection.
Origin and Background[edit]
Wild Jews were first recognized by science in the year 1984, but natives had told stories of them ever since they settled this land. Common stories of these beasts usually involve either a group of hunters running into one out in the woods or a rampage caused by a Wild Jew who has revealed it's self during winter or mid-summer. Science has recently discovered the cause of these rampages to be the large amount of unsatisfactory conditions at any certain point in time.They are believed to be searching for small change but they will accept any amount or kind of currency.
Wild Jews were officially discovered by renowned scientist Tony Hawk while he was off shooting his skateboarding video entitled Skating the Shitholes. At this same time he was collecting research on the endangered Colombian Douche Frog. We have little information about the evolutionary/genealogical background of the Wild Jews but at the moment there are 2 widely accepted theories.
- Theory A): Wild Jews were once a human race who traveled across the oceans from the modern day Israel area, this theory is based on single set of bones found in Israel in 1990. These bones look to be half Human half Jew and said bones have also sparked debate as to weather of not the North American Bigfoot is really just a branch off from the now scientifically recognized Wild Jew.
- Theory B): Wild Jews are an evolutionary break off of the same family as humans, like the Gorilla, Sasquatch or Chimp.
Behavior[edit]
The Wild Jew's Behavior isn’t well documented as of yet,and the only full study conducted was in 1993 by Dr. Joshua O. Rosenblat. But what is known about them is astounding and shows a true difference to any other known creature.
What's That On Their Heads?[edit]
These are called "Jew-beanies" (also Yid Lids, or Targets if you're German) . Originally created for bald jews to save money on suntan lotion, they are universal in size, but vary in style. The more elegant Jew may wish to decorate his/her Jew-beanie with ornaments, such as beads and mirrors to compensate for the Christmas Tree. Young Jews regularly nag their parents for a more stylish Jew-beanie ("Mummy can I have that Jew-beanie? Malachi has it!"), and this is understandable, as the more maxxed the Jew-beanie, the more powerful the Jew, and consequently no more Jew-to-Jew name calling in the local synagogue. On top of that, a "tricked out" Jew-beanie causes for Jew women, or sex-bags not to like you, maintaining your faith and loyalty to the rabbi.
Also, these caps become handy in times of conflict. As they have paper-thin edges along the rim of the skull piece, they are ideal throwing weapons. One simply tosses the hat like a Frisbee at their foe and stands back as they watch their opponent become decapitated by their Jewish wrath. For example, "Kung Lao" from Mortal Kombat. Or Oddjob from James Bond are both famous Jews.
Diet[edit]
The Wild Jew tends to eat mainly plant matter and fish as other meats make them "geassy" and no matter what the circumstances a Wild Jew seems willing to starve to death rather than eat any pork or shellfish.
Habitat/Shelter[edit]
The Wild Jew tends to prefer to live in nests woven of twigs on high ground or high trees in remote areas of the Colombian Rainforest. They will always try to get the highest perch to build their nest and usually near a bank or a jewellery.
Mating[edit]
The Wild Jew's mating habits tend to be far different than any other species known to man. The Wild Jew does not gain a mate with a display of bright colors, dance, or through violence amongst other potential suitors. No Wild Jew's have developed a truly remarkable mating ritual. The males will go out at varying times thoughout the year and dig with their hands, beak and hand like feet in search of gold. And then when mating season comes the females will choose a mate based on whomever has the most gold. After their mating partner has been discovered the male will the bow down and do whatever the female demands of him for 3 weeks, these demands almost always involve making a nest, gathering food and gold, and cleaning the gargantuan blubber lined body of the female. After the 3 weeks the Jews will mate and 2 months alter the female will lay a Jew Egg which will hatch into a Jew chick in about a month. The females are the ones who defend the nest from the various scavengers who try to steal the eggs, she does this by yelling at the intruders in a nasally screeching voice and attacking them with her large beak. But the females will leave the nest after getting fed up with their eggs's failure to succeed, leaving the males to defend their nest for the last week before hatching. However the males have no preverbal "spine" and will flee from any invaders. It is suspected that this is the reason for there being so few Wild Jews.
The Study also noted that "It seems as though the Jews will abandon anything and everything they are doing if they have an opportunity to get some gold".
The Rosenblat Study[edit]
The Rosenblat Study was a study conducted in 1993 by Dr. J.O. Rosenblat. Rosenblat took a wild and radical approach to studying these creatures. This new approach is what allowed him to get the first and only study to this day that well documents these rare animals. Rosenblat, a Hebrew zoologist from the Golden Zoo, in Kafeltafish Israel realized that previous studies into these creatures had some up blank or unreliable and after seeing a documentary on Jane Goodall [1] he came up with his theory. And so Rosenblat began to collect gold and ceased eating pork in order to try and create the appearance that he himself was a Wild Jew. After months of trying he was finally accepted into a small tribe or temple of these creatures. Impressed by is gold accumulation the Wild Jews accepted him with open arms. After being accepted into the temple he spent a year taking notes on the animals. These notes revealed the basic behavior and mating patterns of these magnificent creatures. Upon the year's end he tried to leave and was mauled by a group of large female Jews. His Notes were later found by a lost Hispanic haberdasher who sold them to the Israeli government for 56 lbs. of gold.
Spelling of Jew[edit]
The common spelling of Jew can also be replaced with "Joo" or, for the l33t, "j00". The Cockney spelling of "Jew" is "teapot". Jew originates from ancient Christianese to translate to 'messiah killers', or, alternately, 'bagel eaters' or the more common 'Sexy Goat' and 'Piano-morphs' Also you can also correctly spell jew, according to the Torah by uttering the words "David Munk", which translated into hebrew meaning dirty, ugly dogface! Red is also stupid!
Famous Jews[edit]
- Ben Fatal Turpin
- Krusty The Clown
- Charlie Sheen
- Jeebus
- ...and Jeebus's brown wank, Mel Gibson (self-hating Jew)
- Father Christmas
- Darren (of Eastenders fame)
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ A dyke who tried to molest several chimps by conviceing them he/she was one of them.