Why?:Is my family pissing away my hard-earned money?
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Hi, welcome! Come in, come in. I'm Michael. Pardon? Oh yes, Michael Bluth. Sorry, it's just a common policy for me to not mention my last name unless somebody asks. Oh, because every time I do, my family gets more bad publicity for some reason or another.
Please make yourself at home (in this fake house)[edit]
So we could sit over there or something while we talk, like on that fake couch over there. Yeah, just ignore that fake turkey on the table. We keep breakfast cereal in it. Everything in this home is fake, by the way, the T.V., the foyer, the kitchen... Unfortunately my family isn't. It was supposed to be one in a line of model homes that my company sells, but we lost money to buy a real house and now we're stuck looking at a fake turkey while we eat fake cereal.
My family is pissing away my hard-earned money![edit]
Every time I stop working hard enough to look around, my family pisses away my money! I don't understand it. Each person is unique in their methods of wasting money. Take my twin sister, for example. She's always buying clothes and trying to advocate for not circumcising dicks or whatever. She always says she's looking for a job too, when I know she's just sleeping or criticizing my parenting. The worst part is that I'm always conveniently forgetting to tell her to get one! I'm just too much of a nice guy.
We've hired expensive lawyers, consultants, counselors; but we're always losing money for some reason! Oh yes, I won't forget your bill, it's $2,000 an hour right? Yeah, don't worry, I got it. But it's so strange how we're always losing money...
Even stranger, I'm always telling everyone we don't have money, but somehow I'm always able to pay an expense in exchange for a favor from someone. Like one time, Tobias, my sister's husband, had to take a plane flight to get his medical license back, and I totally just gave him like, $11,000 in cash on the spot. Then he later wasted the money on useless acting classes with Carl Weathers. It's very weird indeed.
Honestly though, I'm the only moral guy in the family...[edit]
-Oh crap, it's my older brother Gob. He's always got some hair-brained scheme up his sleeve...
Gob rushes in hurriedly
-Gob: "Michael, Michael, I've run into some trouble with the Magician's Alliance. They want both my head and legs!"
Sorry, he just means his performers for his box act. Gob, can't you see I'm busy? And why are you on your segway in the living room?!
-Gob: "You have to help me Michael. Those magicians will eat me alive. They've got attack pigeons! I need 200 bucks to pay 'em off."
No Gob. You've got to work for your own money.
-Gob: "If you don't help me, then I'll just have to bone your girlfriend."
Gob winks slyly
Gob, every time you try to make me jealous, you have sex with the wrong woman. Often one that is ugly. Plus I don't have a girlfriend.
-Gob: "That's just because you're a loser." (To consultant) "Did you know he only had sex with four women?"
Gob!!
-Gob: "Alright Michael, now I know you need some dirt on Mom 'cause she got some dirt on you, so why don't I do a little digging and splatter her with mud? You know I'm good at this stuff."
Until you have sex with the wrong woman. But alright, just find some way to embarrass Mom.
-Gob: "You're paying me $500 for this, right?"
Yeah, just get outta here.
-Gob: "I'm your man Michael. Now I just need to find out what 'full-time job' means."
Gob speeds out of the room on his segway, leaving tire tracks on the carpet.
Narrator: "Later, Gob mistakenly thought that for some reason, Michael meant 'go and fuck Kitty,' and Gob went off to have sex with his father's repulsive secretary. Later, Gob will proudly announce that he did the deed, only to find out he did the job all wrong, never get any money, and have Kitty call him two seconds later."
Who was that? I swear, that voice is always foretelling the future, and I never know where it's coming from. Maybe it's Tobias reading acting lines again, or maybe his daughter Maeby. Who knows. What's funny is that Gob's name is only one letter off from 'job', yet he can't do a single one right! Ha ha ha! ...Yet I still pay him. Why do I pay him?!
Anyway, as I was saying, I'm the only moral guy in the family. What? No that- that was just a prank for my mother. She deserves it; She's always manipulating us. Besides, Job is gonna screw up the 'gob' anyway. Wait- I mean; "Gob is going to screw up the job."
Really though, I'm always losing money from these people! You've gotta help me. I'll tell you a little bit about my family, and you can tell me what to do to keep more money from being wasted.
Okay, here's a list of my family...[edit]
...And my problems with each of them. They all make my life harder each in their unique way.
My father, George Bluth Sr.[edit]
The man whose fraud caused our troubles in the first place. He's in jail right now, but for some odd reason he's enjoying his time there. I guess it's because he can eat ice cream sandwiches and play softball with the inmates all the time, but it's always hard for me, because I have to visit him and he almost never willing to tell me anything about the company that I'm running for him now. Oh, which company? The mini mansion-selling one. Though frankly, even the banana stand is doing better than that one right now...
He recently converted to Judaism, and now he sells banana bars and Jewish books from jail. While wearing the sole of a shoe on his head.
My controlling mother, Lucille Bluth[edit]
My manipulating mother who is always trying to get her way with all of her children. She's sometimes the root cause of the manipulation that goes on in the family. One time, she even adopted a Korean kid named 'Annyong' just to make Buster jealous. Buster is my sheltered and ill-raised younger brother, another of my mother's mishaps. Lucille is a hard drinker, so she's always buying liquor. Basically she wastes my money and tries to control everyone.
My eldest brother, Gob[edit]
You've already met him just now. Yeah, he's always riding that damn segway, even when it's obviously hard for him to do so, like on a pile of rocks. He's a starving magician, mostly because he's always screwing up his acts or killing his show animals, and also because he's never preforming in the first place. He tries to be manipulating like so many in this family, but he always seems to screw up at it, and has sex with the wrong woman. He often stays with me, because he doesn't want to live with his mother like Buster.
My twin sister, Lindsay[edit]
Always the spendthrift, Lindsay buys ostrich skin boots, then feels bad and has an environmental awareness festival, then claims she never cared about ostriches in the first place. Lindsay's always protesting something, but then she always forgets what she's protesting for. She won't get a job, claiming that as a mother she needs to watch over Maeby, but she doesn't even do that because she's too busy sleeping. Then Maeby gets a D on her test, or worse, *shudder* a D minus. Lindsay also claims that I push George Michael too hard on grades, but she's the one that needs to challenge Maeby more! I need to make sure George Michael doesn't get an *shudder* A minus on his next quiz. Lindsay keeps racking up on credit card debt with clothes, expecting me to pay for them. The jobless whore.
My bi-curious never-nude brother-in-law, Tobias Fünke[edit]
Tobias is my sister's husband, but they can never get along, mainly because he's so strange. He can't be naked, even by himself, so its a wonder how Maeby was conceived. Although that's a question that is unresolved altogether. Tobias has dreams of becoming an actor since being involved in a gay protest, and now he's not only not earning any money since quitting his job as a therapist, but he's wasting my time and money looking for acting jobs he will never get. He's always saying homosexual double meanings without even realizing it either. What a wierdo. (Alter-egos include Mrs. Featherbottom and Uncle T-Bag.)
My younger brother, Buster[edit]
Buster has social problems since he is sheltered by our mother from the outside world. Although he's mustered up some free will, he's still pretty spineless, and does whatever she says. Buster's received a degree in cartography, but under pressure, he still thinks that the 'blue' represents land. He's also done a bunch of crazy-ass experiments with French scientists for studies on sleep deprivation and now he regularly digs up fossils with his archeologist team, breaks the fossil, and shoves it in the back of Dad's car. Money-wise, the most he's done is damage to the car, but hell, I'm not paying for that. (And by the way, his rape whistle is always getting mixed with my keys.)
Maeby, my niece[edit]
Although not nearly half as much of a money-waster as her mother, as a rebellious teenager who wants to do the exact opposite of what the rest of the family does, (and I don't blame her) Maeby has done her fair share. Like for instance dropping bananas into a trash can while taking money from the register, thinking that I wouldn't notice, when she should've been contributing income for each banana wasted for her plan to work. (Yeah, I know all about that honey.) I mean, really? By doing that, she was just doing double damage there without helping anyone. And that's what happens when you get a D in math!
My awesome and hip son, George Michael[edit]
The only person on this list who pulls more than his own weight in this dysfunct family (way to go buddy!) He's always putting his free time into running the banana stand to help the family. What a trooper. I'm sure he picks up lots of chicks from selling frozen bananas, that goat. My son is so cool, I bet his tucked in collar shirt, khaki pants, and those sensible leather shoes are the latest style right now. And have you seen his work ethic? Last night I heard him cursing himself for messing up a calculus problem and getting a 99.6% on a test. That asshole teacher probably doesn't know what true genius is! (Oh wait, I dated that teacher) But with every bang of his head on the bed post, I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I'm so proud of him. We do lots of things together too, we bike and bake things on that crappy machine my dad sold on Mexican television, until I burn my hand of course, and he's always on hand with a wet towel. The only thing weird is that I've never seen him with friends. I know we spend a lot of time together, but I'm sure he's a popular kid at school; it's just that I only see him with Maeby. In fact, he follows her everywhere she goes. The other day he was with her and I noticed he accidentally left a frozen banana in his pocket, ha ha. Oh that son of mine, it was sticking out right in front of him too! I guess I better remind him that frozen bananas melt quick in the pocket. Oh, but I'm sure they're just getting along, I mean they share a room together; what more do you expect than for them to hang out with each other? God, I love that kid.
Me[edit]
Yes, even as the only sane one holding this family together, even I have made some pretty dumb mistakes when it comes to money. Incidents that are not so much borne from plain stupidity, but more like crazed, adrenaline-fueled acts of frenzy. Okay, yeah, in an act of rebellion I burned down the banana stand while there were thousands of dollars hidden in its walls. Sue me for not getting my dad's stupid puns!!!
Wait, Hold Up![edit]
Where are you going?! I thought you were going to help us! We're not fixable?! C'mon give us a chance! You don't know how many times I've heard that! Will you at least go on a date with me? Ok, that was a bad question. Wait, I'll double the fee! NOO-
*SLAM*[edit]
Oh well. I guess I better go waste more money. *schlop* GOD DAMMIT GOB!!!