Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/Press Room/19

Delivery!

Who wants it?? Here it is. --ChiefjusticeWii 07:55, January 6, 2011 (UTC)

Got it.                                • Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 Thursday, 09:41, Jan 6 2011 UTC

Waits to see if the master plan unfolds correctly. --ChiefjusticeWii 09:47, January 6, 2011 (UTC)

It worked! Of course, I knew it would all along.                                • Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 Thursday, 12:12, Jan 6 2011 UTC

You had some duplicates.

1234 ~ Major Pleb Sir Lyrithya • Athyria • Isarra • Haydrahlienne - 'Destroyer of the Wiki' - MUN OUN CUN KUN DUN GUN *shifty eyes* (zombiebaron) • (dr. skullthumper) • (roman dog bird) • (nachlader) • (frosty) • (more zombiebaron) • (talk) • (stalk) • (block) • (log) • (list) • WotM • UotM • RotM • PotM • UGotM x4 • SotM • FFS • NOM • MotM • BFF x2 • GSA x2 • PS • FiyC • MD • Top3 x3 • Top10 • VFH x15 • VFP x3.5 • HoS • TAW • HMC • PEEING • PRS • PC • URC • ΥΣΣ • IC • ZB -- 16:15, 6 January, 2011 (UTC)

I wrote a piece...

About vandalism:

Vandalism

By Magic man

Vandalism is on the rise. I know it, you know it, the admins know it, even I know it (and so do you). Vandals that come out late at night, vandalizing for hours on end before finally being banned by an admin. Being reverted only by a small group of users including myself. It probably started with the all-caps-vertical-orange-bars-vandal. What can we do about it? There had been discussion about giving some non-admin users who get on around those times banning powers. However, that was struck down quickly, mostly because it was impossible. There had also been discussion about just protecting the whole site from IPs (I’d provide the link to those forums, but I couldn’t find them. So you’ll just have to imagine what it looked like in your head). That however was also struck down because it would take way too long, and isn’t really in the true spirit of a wiki. So we should probably start with QVFD, VFD, ICU, ban patrol, and just reverting edits. Rather than going bat fuck insane. So please, go vote on VFD, QVFD something, place an ICU on a crappy article, report a vandal, and revert some vandalism! But for god’s sake be helpful! We’re not paying you to stand around.

It'll need some proofreading. But other then that I hope it gets in the paper. Thanks. -- 15:58, January 6, 2011 (UTC)

I don't know it... seriously, huh? We haven't had anything major in quite awhile, and even then there are folks around to smack it. As for 'QVFD, VFD, ICU, ban patrol, and just reverting edits,' people do, anyway. Why now with this, eh?

1234 ~ Major Pleb Dame Lyrithya • Athyria • Isarra • Haydrahlienne - 'Destroyer of the Wiki' - MUN OUN CUN KUN DUN GUN *shifty eyes* (zombiebaron) • (dr. skullthumper) • (roman dog bird) • (nachlader) • (frosty) • (more zombiebaron) • (talk) • (stalk) • (block) • (log) • (list) • WotM • UotM • RotM • PotM • UGotM x4 • SotM • FFS • NOM • MotM • BFF x2 • GSA x2 • PS • FiyC • MD • Top3 x3 • Top10 • VFH x15 • VFP x3.5 • HoS • TAW • HMC • PEEING • PRS • PC • URC • ΥΣΣ • IC • ZB -- 16:22, 6 January, 2011 (UTC)

I just wanted to say

That I would like to deliver the paper next time. Because I feel lie I'm not doing shit for you guys. -- 15:34, January 14, 2011 (UTC)

I'vecrwated a semi-automated process that will deliver them, which I'm working the kinks out of at the moment. What would help me though is if someone were to help me in cleaning up the gamespace. I've taken a few quantum leaps forward in how it can be done using dpl and cgi, but what I need is a "map" of different games that I could use to clean it up further, and also looking for someone who can do 3d environments. Are you able to lend a hand?                                • Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 Saturday, 00:15, Jan 15 2011 UTC

What kind of games? -- 01:40, January 15, 2011 (UTC)

[1]                                • Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 Saturday, 02:12, Jan 15 2011 UTC

Editing on the go. Check out Abyss, Castle, and Aitd. These were all multipage games that I've managed to compress into only 3 or 4 pages without making too much impact on the actual gameplay. Of these, Aitd I wrote from scratch, and then went back and revamped it. I've now got it down to a point where I can have variables dictating location, inventory, number of moves, and an overall score. Potentially I can change these to reflect other variables as well. I'm about to start work on a turn based fighting game, similar to the combat styles in final fantasy, and I'm going to clean up and publish a bubble pop game I did previously, and start on a first person tic-tac-toe game, similar style (read parody of) first person poker games, if ever I can get the parser to work out strategic play. Basically I'm trying to minimize the number of text adventure games and improve the overall quality of the games space.                                • Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 Saturday, 02:24, Jan 15 2011 UTC

I didn't understand a word you said. Aleister 2:36 15 1 '11

I've just finished re-coding Castle. It involved creating two templates (that I have also used in God's Answering Service), another template to extract a three digit number from a larger number ({{3Dig}}), a template to extract a section from a page based upon it's section number ({{ShowSec}}), a template just for linking between "pages" of a game ({{IGL}}), and a specific Castle format template, as well as a page with all the game headers and a second page with all the "pages" of the game. In other words, I'm in the process of re-writing the entire games namespace. Which is why I'm not spending much time writing anything new, and why I'm looking for help. 

Or to put it another way, over the last few days I have been heard to say a few times "I'm a fricking genius!" I still haven't found any examples of anyone else using wikimedia this way. 

Or to bring it down another step, I code good.                                • Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 Saturday, 02:55, Jan 15 2011 UTC

I think I get it. So what you're saying is, you want me to find games that are too fucking long, and then give them to you to be rewriten. Am I right? -- 03:20, January 15, 2011 (UTC)

Something along those lines.  It's a few steps involved in doing this, and this is potentially the wrong place to put it all - although I'm probably going to do something about this for next USP - but I might actually create a forum on this.  I'll get back to you with details.                                 • Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 Saturday, 04:27, Jan 15 2011 UTC

UnNews unnews

Excellent work, all who make UnSignpost Unpossible. I've started squirreling away a few things here for your next issue. You may do what you want with it, since my skills are limited at best. Cheers! Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 19:27, January 27, 2011 (UTC)

Multiliteralist

I think you shouldn't deliver him the newspapper anymore because he is retired. I don't think he even reads it. --~  15:05, January 29, 2011 (UTC)

Do you speak for Multiliteralist? Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 19:14, January 29, 2011 (UTC)

A discussion was had relating to delivering to absent users. The decision was that any user who wished to be removed from the delivery list could do so easily, but removing users who wanted the USP but weren't as active as they had been previously still had a right to receive it. Or something like that anyway.                                • Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009

Yes but he is also banned for three months. He can't tell if he wants his newspapper. --~  18:00, January 30, 2011 (UTC)

He can ask on IRC if he wants to; he still comes there.

1234 ~ 18:06, 30 January 2011

I can't go to IRC and I'm sad. I cry. --~  18:08, January 30, 2011 (UTC)

yo

You should take a look at this You could put a cartoon in every newspaper. It would be funny. Think about it. Lots of real newspapers have one. --~  19:59, January 31, 2011 (UTC)

Delivery

Here it is.  Thanks to whoever does it. --ChiefjusticeWii 22:53, February 2, 2011 (UTC)

I want to join

Where do I sign up?---   TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 02:34, February 10, 2011 (UTC)

Join what, now?

1234 ~ 02:40, 10 February 2011

Join UnSignpost. And yes now.---   TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 02:41, February 10, 2011 (UTC)

I'm confused... there's something about it to join?

1234 ~ 02:44, 10 February 2011

Are you alwayas this confuse?---   TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 02:46, February 10, 2011 (UTC)

Maybe. So what in the world are you talking about, anyhow? Join the UnSignpost? It's like you think there be staff, or something.

1234 ~ 02:50, 10 February 2011

Ignore my confused colleague there - you know how concepts that involve reading have a tendency to overheat women's brains. We'd be more than happy for you to join the staff here, once you pass the basic assessment tests of course. Have you put together a portfolio of your journalistic attempts to date? That's the first and foremost thing. If you are having trouble putting this together our staff here can help you compile this for a measly cost of $359.99, or 3 monthly payments of $129.99. USD, of course, as we are hosted on a US server. 

Secondly we'll need to get a police clearance of yourself as well. This will require 100 points of ID. Now due to recent regulatory changes this means you will need to post originals of your birth certificate, passport, driver's license, a copy of your recent bank statement, and your eftpos card. When sending through the eftpos card we will need to check it's digital autenticity, so you will need to inform us of your pin for it as well. Oh, and the police check does have a 79.99 fee attached to it, so we'll also need that, paid by credit card. 

Also, as you are aware, our editor in chief has had to flee the country due to persecution of his enemies. Now we have been extremely impressed by your profesionallism in business, so we are entrusting you to help us get the 40 million USD we have managed to hide from his enemies out of the country. This is a matter of life and death, and we are happy to give you 25% of this sum for your assistance. Please, do not tell anyone about this, as we cannot trust anyone with this secret. Immediately, send us your bank account details, and please place 2,000 USD in the account immediately to cover banking costs. 

Oh, and we would like to get an idea of what your health status is, and that of your immediate family. Our doctors are experts in diagnosis via photo recognition, so send us as many photos as possible of yourself and all your family members naked. 

Once again, welcome to the team! Pup 03:07 10 Feb '11

Excuse me, but... who are you and why are you holding a crowbar? And is that broken glass on the... hey! I'm the squatter here! Get out, get out!

1234 ~ 03:20, 10 February 2011

*sight*

Looks like i'll never have a biopic of the week. -- ~ Mimorianusa (talk) • (stalk) 18:01, February 15, 2011 (UTC)

Do a bit more stuff and it will turn up. --ChiefjusticeWii 18:07, February 15, 2011 (UTC)

Like committing suicide? -- ~ Mimorianusa (talk) • (stalk) 18:08, February 15, 2011 (UTC)

More like writing articles or doing quality reviewing. People remember Cobain due to the music he produced, not for the manner of his death. Pup 08:24 15 Feb '11

Hey Mimo, I just got in the biopic of the week a few weeks ago. So just wait and it'll happen. I feel so wise... -- 21:04, February 15, 2011 (UTC)

Cobain, isn't he that guy who offed himself? Aleister 21:06 15-2-'11

Who?

1234 ~ 21:10, 15 February 2011

Doing a 'Cobain' to get yourself featured in an obituary is a bit too extreme for here Mimo. --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 21:18, February 15, 2011 (UTC)

Can someone hold a tribute for the departure of Maniac mcpee?

I'm closing down Maniac mcpee and starting a new account called Lollipop. Can I get a tribute in the next Unsignpost? --      Go Crazy Awards ~ Contribs ~ Gallery ~ Piglet 21:25, February 19, 2011 (UTC)

No. --ChiefjusticeWii 09:20, February 20, 2011 (UTC)

Dammit. -- Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 20:58, 22 July 2011  

I've been playing again...

Ignoring the previous issues I've had automating delivery of USP - most of which I've managed to resolve, but not the last issue because I can't work out why the hell it's doing it - I've been playing around in my back shed for ways to improve our processes here. I have a few ideas, so I'll drop them on you one at a time:

1. Structure of USP - The USP follows a fairly regular structure, but will have the odd changes involved in it along the line. Lythirya's and Chief's work on the Raccoons is one example, as is the 100th edition special. But for the most part there's only a couple of thins that need to change in the actual format. Having said that, repetitive coding is usually best done using a template. So I've created a fairly flexible template for USP that can be used to write a new USP with minimal actual work on coding it. My example (in progress) can be found at User:PuppyOnTheRadio/USP. It uses 5 different templates. Which are
   1. Template 1 - the opening template, which usually only requires you to add in the date of issue, the issue number, and the sub-header joke. The title, caption and the styling is already coded in, but it allows you to change these for those special occasions. 
   2. Template 2 - the closing template. No options coded in at this stage, but the potential to change this is there. 
   3. Template 3 - going from the first column to the second column. Again, no options here, and given the way that USP is structured not much that would be lonely to change here either. 
   4. Template 4 - Dialog boxes for the right hand side. These are put together in such a way that all you need to to is say what colours you what the background and the border to be. 
   5. Template 5 - this is a little odd, but because of the way template 4 is put together, you can't add a pipe (|) in the text, which is incorporated into the from our logs thingy. One option is to just replace the pipe with the {{!}} template, but as these all follow a pattern as well I created a template to do these. The things that change are the date, the admin responsible, the user/ip being banned, the period of ban, and the comment. 
2. The changing of the date changing the USP page every week just to update the current issue/next issue thing is annoying. I've created something that will be able to replace that so that every Thursday, as soon as the UTC clicks over, then these links will update. I haven't put it in place yet as I'd like to have the next issue link create the next issue if one doesn't already exist, and that would be better done after we've worked out wether or not we want to go with the more templates options
3. Automated delivery I'm coming back to it. 

Any thoughts or objections to moving these ideas into action? Pup 10:35 20 Feb '11

I CALL DOING AN ARTICLE IN THE NEXT UNSIGNPOST!!!

I called it. --Revolutionary, Anti-Bensonist, and TYATU Boss Uncyclopedian Meganew (Chat) (Care for a peek at my work?) (SUCK IT, FROGGY!) 20:29, February 24, 2011 (UTC)

OMG!

I got the Biopic of the week! Yay! I rock! You suck! --~  16:49, March 3, 2011 (UTC)

For next article of UnSignpost

I want to make an advertisement about another writing contest that I am hosting. What do you think about that?

Here's my advertisement that you can put up on the UnSignpost:
Come in to the 1st Annual Writing Contest, sponsored by Joe9320! Everyone of all ages are welcome to enter! Contestants must write as many articles as they can in a week! The winner will have its space kept! The loser must move their articles to their userspace or face the wrath of the almighty administrator and VFD. Click here for more details!

You know, you can put this advert on some small space. I need it in time for the contest tomorrow!

|Si Plebius Dato' (Sir) Joe ang Kemador CUN|IC Kill | 08:06, March 26, 2011 (UTC)

Sorry, but like I said on my talkpage, I just don't see this contest of yours happening, at least not how you've gone about it. Also, the UnSignpost goes out on Thursdays. Unless it's late. If it even goes out at all. This thing's iffy.

1234 ~ 08:42, 26 March 2011

Why Marries Lyrithya

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/User_talk:Lyrithya#Indecent_Proposal

WHY???| marries Lyrithya! 00:41, April 1, 2011 (UTC)

See the wedding ring I gave her at http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/User_talk:Lyrithya#Why.3F.27s_Wedding_Ring_for_Lyrithya (it has nothing to do with that ring in TLofR, of course)

WHY???| marries Lyrithya! 01:15, April 1, 2011 (UTC)

No, no, you're very confused we do news here. The "Events-that-took-place-on-a-random-whim-and-will-be-forgotten-about-in-a-month" department is in the other building. --ChiefjusticeWii 01:34, April 1, 2011 (UTC)

This is the other building.

1234 ~ 03:11, 1 April 2011

Gwaah!

User:Joe9320 is missing! Help! Help! Someone call the police! Or to bar? GWAAAHHH!!! Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz 13:30, 15 May, 2011 (UTC)

He was here 8 days ago. Maybe the Jews abducted him. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 13:40, 15 May 2011

That`s possible. To the pressroom! Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz 13:56, 15 May, 2011 (UTC)

All signposts from now on

Should just feature my old bannings. Some are awful, some are hysterical. And they are plentiful. Do it. --Roman Dog Bird 08:34, May 17, 2011 (UTC)

How do I join the team of the USP?

Is there any way I could join the team? -- Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 20:28, 21 May 2011

You can join by contributing something. Post anything you'd like to contribute here in the Press Room. --Hotadmin4u69 ^[TALK] 02:56 May 23 2011

I lowered myself on the N00b scale. -- Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 03:19, 23 May 2011  

New delivery system (admins only for now)

If you'd like Fnoodle to automagically deliver the UnSignpost, follow these three easy steps:

1. Change Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/current to the issue you want delivered.
2. Go to User:Fnoodle/Control Panel and optionally change the header to something witty. If you leave it blank, Fnoodle will use the issue's date instead.
3. Change "Deliver UnSignpost" from 0 to 1.

Fnoodle checks every 15 minutes or so to see if you want anything delivered, and delivery has taken about two minutes in off-wiki test runs. Once he's finished, he'll reset the variables you've changed. Also, if you tell him to deliver an UnSignpost before the issue's date, he will wait until midnight UTC that day to deliver it. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 02:48 May 23, 2011

Does he update the archive, too?

1234 ~ 14:20, 23 May 2011

Not yet, but that's a good idea. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 14:47 May 23, 2011

Also can set up Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/current to automagically show the most recent version of the USP, and have it deliver that with a subst:nosubst thingy. Or something. Pup 02:23 25 May '11

Due to the lack of categorization (and inconsistency with naming conventions) calculating the newest UnSignpost is a bit more of a chore than you might think. I may tackle it in the future, but for now it's easier for someone to edit the current UnSignpost manually. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 16:08 May 25, 2011

Agreed, but I was playing with the idea of a "latest issue" button, that creates a new issue with the naming convention of the next weeks date, and auto-loads the framework for it. Given that it then becomes an automated naming that removes some of the vagaries of the naming convention. This also means we don't have to backdate any changes, or rename old issues, and even makes archiving easier to automate. Pup 06:52 26 May '11

So do it. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 06:55 May 26, 2011

Too lazy Pup 07:07 26 May '11

Needs work, but the basis is there. Or alternatively use an inputbox like the create UnNews one, but have the input hidden and default the pre-determined thingy. Pup 07:12 26 May '11

Probably the inputbox would be best, yeah. Also, keep in mind that the UnSignpost doesn't always go out every week, and it doesn't always go out once a week. It happens to be on a pretty good streak these days, but one never knows. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 07:14 May 26, 2011

I know - the vagaries of editions does add a pickle to automation, which is why I stopped working on my delivery script. But your method adds in a human element, which means while we can automate this to a point, it still needs a human to say occasionally "there's something different here." That and the fact that the same code for delivery could also be used for spam. Pup 10:34 26 May '11

I'm here to complain.

I have to point out two errors in this week's UnSignpost. 1) A woman has pleasured Lollipop for free before. His mom once gave him a blowjob while he held a knife to her throat. And 2) You din't talk about me enough. Please correct these in the next issue. Thanks. -- 02:17, June 2, 2011 (UTC)

You're incorrect on that one. That wasn't my mother, that was a hooker. First Tagstit reveals the panties incident, now this. I should have more crazy parties. -- Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 18:43, 12 June 2011  

unimage of the year

Hey guys. Nice work in the unsignpost. No mention of the unimage of the year? --ShabiDOO 12:39, June 10, 2011 (UTC)

I considered covering it but it lost out to the bigger stories of the week. I did however provide a link to the results; simply press where it says "Wibble". --ChiefjusticeWii 07:53, June 11, 2011 (UTC)

The pressures of being an editor are difficult. I suppose anyone who reads it probbaly knows who won anyways. --ShabiDOO 20:19, June 12, 2011 (UTC)

I'll do an article for the next UnSignPost or whatever shit

Right, my report title is called "The Disappearance of Admin Mordillo"- it's a tribute to one of the most influential sysops here, and I'm looking for an admin like ChiefJusticeDS to co-write the tribute. |Si Plebius Dato' (Sir) Joe ang Kemador CUN|IC Kill | 11:51, June 20, 2011 (UTC)Actually, I want to make a report called: "Skin Surgery: What Sysops are doing to the Uncyclopedia's Skin". Ir's about the new skin that we are going to have, and I'm looking for a sysop to co-write this article with. This would also end up on UnNews. |Si Plebius Dato' (Sir) Joe ang Kemador CUN|IC Kill | 11:11, June 21, 2011 (UTC)

I refer you to my reply on my talk page. An article on Mordillo's absence was included in issue 119. If you have something new to offer then I'm all ears. --ChiefjusticeWii 12:11, June 20, 2011 (UTC)

I wrote an article for the next UnSignpost

Here it is:

What you should be doing.

By Magic man

Hi there, my name is Magic man. Some of you may know me as god. For those of you who don't know me, tough shit, that's your loss. Anyway, in this day in age, it's hard to know what to do. You've got the media, your boss, and all your friends at school (don't try to deny it, I know most of you are still schoolchildren) telling you different things. What to like, what to wear, who to be friends with, to have sex with them, where to eat and basically just what to do. And to be quite frank, it annoys the hell out of me when people tell other people what to do. Unless I'm the one doing the telling. So after reviewing all the opinion columns, listening long and hard to everyone's opinion and a whole bunch of other shit, I've come to a conclusion of what everyone needs to do:

Give me all your money.

Really, I'm a great guy (ha! As if you couldn't already tell!)! And very deserving. And all my research does point to everyone giving me all their money, so that's another reason, right there. What's that you say? you think I'm lying to you just to help myself? Noooooo! What would make you say that? I mean, have I ever lied to you? Okay, maybe. But that doesn't mean I'm lying right now. Really, I'm not.

Huh? What now?! You say you're to poor, old, ugly, lazy, selfish, stupid or short to give me money? Well don't worry your pretty little head you poor/old/ugly/lazy/selfish/stupid/short bastard you! Because if you can't give me money, give me your children! Don't have children? That's alright, I'll take anything! Blowjobs, pie, plastic penises, lollipops, whores, a collage college degree, attention, bananas (actually on second thought, don't give me bananas, I hate those things...), goldfish, human eyes, or hair pieces. Really, anything (except for bananas, remember, I hate those things)! So do what everyone's doing, what you should be doing and what everyone's doing, give me all your money... or blowjobs, pie, plastic penises, lollipops, whores, a college degree, attention, bananas (not bananas), goldfish, human eyes, or hair pieces. Remember, I'll take anything (except for those yellow devils). Thanks.

It may need a proofreading, and if you want to change anything, feel free. Hope you like it. Thanks. -- 05:09, July 10, 2011 (UTC)

So... are you going to put it in the UnSignpost or not? If you don't want to, that's fine. But I'd like to know. -- 23:27, July 12, 2011 (UTC)

Editor Position?

Hey guys. I was wondering if I could like...apply to become an editor, or some other way, as I would like to take part in the UnSignpost Editorial Division. Thanks, →A (Ruins) 21:16, July 10, 2011 (UTC)

We'd be more than happy for you to join the staff here, once you pass the basic assessment tests of course. Have you put together a portfolio of your journalistic attempts to date? That's the first and foremost thing. If you are having trouble putting this together our staff here can help you compile this for a measly cost of $359.99, or 3 monthly payments of $129.99. USD, of course, as we are hosted on a US server.

Secondly we'll need to get a police clearance of yourself as well. This will require 100 points of ID. Now due to recent regulatory changes this means you will need to post originals of your birth certificate, passport, driver's license, a copy of your recent bank statement, and your eftpos card. When sending through the eftpos card we will need to check it's digital autenticity, so you will need to inform us of your pin for it as well. Oh, and the police check does have a 79.99 fee attached to it, so we'll also need that, paid by credit card.

Also, as you are aware, our editor in chief has had to flee the country due to persecution of his enemies. Now we have been extremely impressed by your profesionallism in business, so we are entrusting you to help us get the 40 million USD we have managed to hide from his enemies out of the country. This is a matter of life and death, and we are happy to give you 25% of this sum for your assistance. Please, do not tell anyone about this, as we cannot trust anyone with this secret. Immediately, send us your bank account details, and please place 2,000 USD in the account immediately to cover banking costs.

Oh, and we would like to get an idea of what your health status is, and that of your immediate family. Our doctors are experts in diagnosis via photo recognition, so send us as many photos as possible of yourself and all your family members naked. Welcome to the team! 

Best wishes: PuppyOnTheRadio (recruitment and human resources).

I believe the standard Editorial Position is either kneeling or lying prone facedown in the mud. -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

That's certainly my editorial position. --ChiefjusticeWii 13:23, July 12, 2011 (UTC)

*Ahem* *Points up* -- 14:50, July 12, 2011 (UTC)

I also expressed my interest to joined, but I disappeared shortly after that, so I like to truly join right now as well.--21:00, July 12, 2011 (UTC)

Seriously, guys. Can you just add me to the editing list already? →A (Ruins) 23:14, July 12, 2011 (UTC)

Me too?---   TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 23:27, July 12, 2011 (UTC)

Please don't add me or any other user who hasnt shown insterest :) It's not that we aren't interested. Its just that any interest in it is yet to be shown. :) --ShabiDOO 00:14, July 13, 2011 (UTC)

I HAVE SHOW INTEREST!!! ADD ME ALREADY, PLEASE!! or I'll add myself →A (Ruins) 13:31, July 14, 2011 (UTC)

You guys are taking way to long

I'm adding myself to the occasional editors list. If you feel otherwise, please consult me here. Thanks, →A (Ruins) 22:04, July 21, 2011 (UTC)

You get on there when you write something that goes in the UnSignpost. For all our posturing the way that you "become an editor" is by writing something and putting it here; like Magic man has done above. Then whoever is editorialising for the UnSignpost will grab it, edit it and shove it into the next issue. I'm whipping your name off the list, and will be more than happy to put it back when we get some work from you for the UnSignpost. Sound fair? --ChiefjusticeWii 08:29, July 22, 2011 (UTC)

Ok, thanks for explaining it to me. One question: Can I submit fixed-up/repaired articles (that someone else created, but was on VFD and was repaired by me)? →A (Ruins) 20:54, July 22, 2011 (UTC)

The UnSignpost is for completely original journalism on the various happenings on the wiki, the closest we get to actual articles is linking to them to make hilarious non-sequiturs. --ChiefjusticeWii 08:20, July 23, 2011 (UTC)

A suggestion for the upcoming signpost

How about we make the upcoming UnSignpost (or the one after that) a special about me, and then provide a ban log of all the times I've been banned, plus, my formal apology, which is currently in the Village Dump. (Plus, an article written by Zombiebaron or Athyria about all the crap I've done recently.

Thanks, →A (Ruins) 22:57, August 15, 2011 (UTC)

Why would we do that?

1234 ~ 23:02, 15 August 2011

Because, it would be funny.....→A (Ruins) 00:18, August 16, 2011 (UTC)

A totally different person's subject for the upcoming UnSignpost

I wrote UnNews:UnNews vandals destroy Uncyclopedia, but Mattsnow said it wasn't suitable for the recent news feed, and to submit it here. Or something. I wasn't really listening, I was too busy staring at his platinum-blonde pompadour. ⇒»Biz E.B. Ver  (gabble) 02:44, September 9, 2011 (UTC)

(P.S. mattsnow's not really an idiot. :)

He mentioned it to me on my talk page, I'll happily put it in for you. I will do some editorial trimming (and claim it as my own as is tradition) but otherwise it will remain pretty much the same. Hope that's ok. --ChiefjusticeWii 06:34, September 9, 2011 (UTC)

Hey, I've still got the original article. Knock yourself out. :) ⇒»Biz E.B. Ver  (gabble) 10:59, September 9, 2011 (UTC)

I wrote another high quality article for the UnSignpost.

Here it is:

A very important message

By Magic man

Penis. That is all.

---

It may need some trimming, as it's quite long (*Ba-dum crash*). Put it in wherever you can fit it (*Ba-dum crash*). Thanks. -- 21:41, September 9, 2011 (UTC)

Your Newsroom UnTune Of The Week

I haz it. Listen and marvel. --UU - natter 19:36, Sep 10

Put it on page 5, now get out there and get me more pictures of that web-headed freak! --ChiefjusticeWii 19:40, September 10, 2011 (UTC)

If no one is workig on it...

shall I have a go at the next UnSign post...or is there something going on? --ShabiDOO 21:35, October 19, 2011 (UTC)

I've been a bit too busy to write the USP for the last few weeks due to my real life commitments. I'm going to attempt to revive it for another issue next week, but feel free to contribute to that. --ChiefjusticeWii 08:39, October 20, 2011 (UTC)

I do it too sometimes. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!)  08:53, October 20, 2011 (UTC)

I've got an article for the next issue.

Feel free to change what you want.

IC

By Magic man

There is a group of people, cool people. These cool people do cool things like collaborate on articles monthly and... well, actually, that's all they really do. But they're cool while doing it! These cool people are so very cool that they have a section on the main page devoted to them and their very own Uncyclopedia: namespace page. I know what you're thinking, "Who are these people, and where can I get one of their autographs?" Well, I'll tell you. These cool people that I'm referring to are the gang over at Imperial Colonization.

Unfortunately, a terrible thing has happened to the cool kids at IC. Their section on the main page has ben hidden away between <!------------ ------------------------------ -->'s, their  Uncyclopedia: namespace page hasn't been edited since July, and, worst of all, dare I say it? Their coolness has worn off. I know, it's pretty bad. Now that the IC crew is laking in coolness, they haven't been seen collaborating on an article together in months and they've been having the same vote since October... in 2010. The situation is starting to get dire.

We here at the UnSignpost are far too lazy to actually interview anybody, so we just decided to try and interview ourselves. But we even fucked that up. We wanted to interview Chief, but he was far to busy with "real life" to talk to us on the matter, whatever that means. We tried interviewing Magic man, but he wouldn't talk to us about IC because he said, "If you talk to yourself, you'll get people to think you're crazy." What a weirdo. And we didn't even bother contacting about it Frosty because we don't like him. So when all was said and done, the only actual person we interviewed wasn't even alive at the time. It was Zombiebaron, and I bet you can guess what he said. However, if we had interviewed anybody who had more that one word in their vocabulary, we imagine some of those words might be words like 'bad', 'unacceptable', 'disappointing', and maybe even, *Gulp*, 'uncool'.

So Imperial Colonization, if you're reading this, this is a call to action. Go finish that vote that's been going on far too long now, and collaborate on an article, already! That's right, you know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about getting your cool back. Do it, and do it now.

-- 01:53, November 7, 2011 (UTC)

It's in the next issue, cheers. --ChiefjusticeWii 17:52, November 8, 2011 (UTC)

Thanks! -- 18:14, November 8, 2011 (UTC)

Delivery

I'm not going to use Fnoodle for the deliveries until I get some guarantee that it will deliver all the USP's the vast majority of the time. So for this week I'm going to offer it out to everyone like we did in the olden days. Lyrithya has a bot that has been pressed into service in this regard before but I'm unsure whether she is able to do it for tomorrow. It's here if anybody fancies putting it about at some point tomorrow. Incidentally if you do decide to deliver it, please say you are doing here so we don't deliver it twice. --ChiefjusticeWii 23:20, November 9, 2011 (UTC)

I'll do it, if you want. -- 23:30, November 9, 2011 (UTC)

Please don't; you tend to take hours. (Unless I'm confusing you with someone else.) My crappy bot'll do it. And this time I'll not use chrome, and it'll actually work properly. Yes. Although I really do need to fix that header thing...

1234 ~ 23:43, 9 November 2011

No, that's me. Although, I don't usually take hours, maybe an hour sometimes, but that's usually because I'm distracted. Anyway, if you'd rather your bot do it, that's cool with me. -- 23:55, November 9, 2011 (UTC)

Oh, okay. But yeah, it's best to keep such masses of edits off recentchanges even if they are quite fast, though. Anyway, it's done. Let me know if anything looks horribly wrong.

1234 ~ 00:56, 10 November 2011

Well, there is one thing. This has actually been happening for a couple weeks now. When your bot delivers the UnSignpost to my talk page, it doesn't put up the yellow banner at the top of the page proclaiming that I have a message. Any idea why? -- 01:45, November 10, 2011 (UTC)

Maybe that's because it's a bot and bot edits don't activate that yellow banner? Well, I think so, at least. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 02:02, 10 November 2011

Oh, that's because the script still marked them as minor edits, and bot minor edits don't trigger that. I actually changed that in the script, but apparently I... oh, wait... I changed the wrong one. Ghah...

1234 ~ 02:21, 10 November 2011

Ideas

Next week's issue needs a lot less Black flamingo11. --Black Flamingo 21:50, November 24, 2011 (UTC)

No can do boss man, what with the VFS, the singing and the sex scandals you're the hottest story in town. --ChiefjusticeWii 09:09, November 25, 2011 (UTC)

The Feathered One to win. --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 11:27, November 25, 2011 (UTC)

Hugely important happening stuns Uncyclopedia; no one cares

This is probably crap, and plagiarized crap, at that. But it's totally news!

 By Bizzeebeever

On Sunday/Monday/Tuesday (depending on where in the world you are) a bolt of lightning, apparently emanating from Wikia, struck Uncyclopedia in a sustained manner, singeing eyebrows and back-hair from the United Kingdom all the way to that iota-sized island which Frosty calls "home". What was this scintillating stroke of ...of...scintillation? Why, a mighty arbiter of Wikia was perturbed from her perch by the screams of the tortured mortals long enough to, as she put it, "blackmail a techy" into granting Uncyclopedians that boon for which they had clamored for æons: new namespaces.

(Scattered applause and confused interjections)

Yes, you asked for it, and now you've got it: those heretofore-faux namespaces, including HowTo, Why?, and that incredibly popular mainstay of Uncyclopedia, UnDebate, are now actual namespaces. According to several people who understand the full implications of this, having namespace-specific stuff will potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with. Said designated Uncyclopedia scapegoat Lyrithya: "Having namespace-specific stuff could potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with." 

When the news of the blessed event was heard by all of Uncyclopedia, there was shouting, jubilation, gunshots, and widespread looting — and that was before we told them. Several small, furry Uncyclopedians furiously wagged their tails and let out small amounts of piddle, before forgetting about it and trotting off to investigate (and then bark at) a suspicious-looking fire hydrant. Uncyclopedian-extraordinaire Zombiebaron, taking a couple of seconds off from his usual endeavor of attempting to fit all of Uncyclopedia onto VFD, was heard to shout his own name in an uncharacteristically-ebullient manner.

Extravagant fame-whore Bizzeebeever, the author of the forum topic which started it all, spoke from his 15,000-room palace constructed entirely from mirrored pianos. "Of course, no one man can take credit for this," he said, flinging the end of a tie-dyed feather boa over his shoulder, "it was truly an achievement made possible by the work of multitudes. Anyone who notices the massive groundswell of changes should especially thank Lyrithya for her ceaseless work on the site." He also went on to thank Sannse for her munificence and benevolence; the small pile of ashes which, we presume, is all that remains of the "techy" whom Sannse "blackmailed"; and, lastly but not least-ly, Zombiebaron...for "being such an incredible pile of 'Zombiebaron'."

Log in and explain to me why it's "plagiarized crap" and I'd be happy to put it in the USP. --ChiefjusticeWii 19:27, November 29, 2011 (UTC)

Most of my jokes seem familiar, care-worn, and ragged. I have no choice but to assume I've unconsciously plagiarized them from someone else, much like George Harrison. That plagiarizing bastard.  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Wed, Nov 30 '11 0:07 (UTC)

Fair enough. To the UnSignpost! --ChiefjusticeWii 00:11, November 30, 2011 (UTC)

[Insert swirly 1960s Batman-style music here] —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 00:25, 30 November 2011

Unsignpost Q&A

Seems I forgot to answer the questions this week. Oh well. Anyways, here are two future options

Are you a pedo? -Georgie Gibbons

Answer: We here at the Unsignpost Q&A Department pride ourselves in extensive background checks to prevent the hiring of any pedophiles. At the same time however, most of our security staff think pedophiles are people with unusual sexual infatuation of feet, so pretty much, just keep your distance from our office. Why do you think I work from home?

How do I ask a question here? Magic Man

Consult one of our helpful staff at the office. If you want help quick, dress up like a 12 year old child and talk with a higher pitched voice. It may result in unexpected outcomes but hey, you'll get your answer. (Note, this answer will only work if both questions are used together. Below is an alternative in case these questions are put into separate unsignposts)

No idea. Next! 

--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)    05:17, December 8, 2011 (UTC)

Cheers, will put them in next week. --ChiefjusticeWii 09:49, December 8, 2011 (UTC)

Will UnSignpost be called in front of the Leveson Inquiry for 'making up unfunny stuff'?  Have you made Hugh Grant cry?? --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 11:34, December 8, 2011 (UTC)

I was actually considering just such a story for this week's issue, I did fear that it would be lost on the Yanks among us. There was also a bit of news to report this week so there wasn't space. Depending on how much time I have I might do an UnNews article on that very topic. Also, Hugh Grant is a romantic comedy robot; his tears are pure silicon. --ChiefjusticeWii 11:45, December 8, 2011 (UTC)

You'd be surprised how many of us yanks know about that whole pickle in a jar. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)    17:27, December 8, 2011 (UTC)

I like waffles

I like waffles. My friends like waffles. All the users here like waffles. If you don't like waffles, you can go fuck yourself.

Now for the serious part. I just signed up for UnSignPost and I don't know what to contribute. What CAN I contribute? -- POP!GoesTheWeasel 12:34, December 13, 2011 (UTC)

You don't have to contribute though you can do if you like. If you're wandering what you can contribute you should have a look through some of this years UnSignposts to see the sort of stories we tend to run with. If you decide you want to write one, do so and then put it in here and I will scoop it up and put it in the UnSignpost, assuming of course it's suitable. --ChiefjusticeWii 13:28, December 13, 2011 (UTC)

Ok...

Thanks, Chief. Can I make an article for UnSign Posts about voting like hell for VFH? Thanks. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 13:47, December 13, 2011 (UTC)

Go ahead, remember that the UnSignpost goes out on Thursdays and I do need time to read your article and put it in, if you miss this Thursday there is no problem with putting it off until next week. --ChiefjusticeWii 13:51, December 13, 2011 (UTC)

Ok and thanks, I will be working on it then. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 14:03, December 13, 2011 (UTC)

Delivery

As Lyrithya or her bot may be unable to do this weeks delivery I will fling it out to the masses as well. Anyone who fancies the delivery can find the new USP here. Say you will do the delivery here so we don't get duplicates. Thanks to anyone who can help out. --ChiefjusticeWii 01:04, December 15, 2011 (UTC)

Guess I'll do it in that case. --ChiefjusticeWii 10:17, December 15, 2011 (UTC)

Sorry about that chief. Pup 10:41 15 Dec '11

It's not a problem, it's just feeding my irrational hatred for people with special UnSignpost delivery pages. THE LOADING TIMES! OH GOD THE LOADING TIMES! --ChiefjusticeWii 10:56, December 15, 2011 (UTC)

Didn't I add links behind the names that take you to the editing page directly? And once your edit is saved (indicated by the url changing) you can simply let it stop loading. That's how I used to do it, anyway. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 11:04, 15 December 2011

Oh, it turns out Skully removed them a while ago. : / —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 11:08, 15 December 2011

VFH

My first shot at this, hope it's acceptable.

VFH

By PopGoesTheWeasel

Hello, there. Er ... why is everyone looking at me? Did I say anything wrong? Oh wait, I haven't said anything yet. Er...so basically, I want to talk about VFH. Those three little words. Told this to 312.85.496.68:345, he just collapsed into a fit of giggles and scurried off to the main page. Wierd. Anyways, VFH is running low on votes. So we need your help. I mean, VFH's aim is to get 20 votes per article, but it can only manage around 9. This makes me having a vagina more realistic. And I don't even have a vagina. "So how can I help?" you ask. Well, first thing's first. Every 5 minutes, a cat dies from deprivation of fuel, and with just 1 vote an article, you get to save 2 cats by filling in 2 pounds of fuel. How does that sound? Wait, you don't like cats? Ok ... "So how can I help?" you ask. Well, first thing's first. Every 5 minutes, a dog dies from deprivation of burning, and with just 1 vote an article, you get to save 2 dogs for the I burning your dog programme. How does that sound? Great right? Let's get started then.

So I told this to Xamralco, who went off to vote. On VFD. I know, what a nerve. Does he have any idea how many deaths he caused? Every time the number of articles on VFD increases, Zombiebaron kills a bradyie. Does he have any idea how many deaths he has caused? Do YOU have any idea how many deaths you have caused when you go onto VFD? Now look. You can save 2 dogs with just a click of a button. Vote! That's all. On VFH. Would you rather, save 2 dogs or kill a Bradyie with a click of a button?

And articles are dying. I tried telling Magic man this, but he turned me into a frog. That bastard. Looks like users are of no use to me. I had to apologise to him before he turned me back into my normal self again. No use trying to convince that bloody bastard. Look at the number of votes being devoured, not to mention articles being taken down from VFH because they mysteriously had low health. And you know who's causing the health to deplete? Yeah, you, the asshole grinning right into the screen. When you don't vote, it's not you who's fucked, it's me. That cats will come after ME. So go onto VFH, and vote. Before it's too late!

--POP!GoesTheWeasel 12:11, December 15, 2011 (UTC)

It can certainly go in next week, I'll make a couple of tweaks to it if that's alright. I'll let you know when I've done that so you can check they are ok. --ChiefjusticeWii 13:02, December 15, 2011 (UTC)

Gee, thanks! --POP!GoesTheWeasel 13:58, December 15, 2011 (UTC)

Roman Dog Bird has eaten

34 mince pies. You're welcome. -- 03:05, December 16, 2011 (UTC)

Dear diary... today I received confirmation that someone besides me reads the UnSignpost. Also just send me your address, and the times you aren't normally at home and I'll pop round with not one, but two out-of-date Lion Bars. --ChiefjusticeWii 13:57, December 16, 2011 (UTC)

I read it every week. Anyway, I live here on Uncyclopedia, in my computer... -- 21:30, December 17, 2011 (UTC)

Idea

The Foolitzer Prize is a thing

By UPjcm

So, last week our great Chief talked about the pitiful state of Uncyclopedia's awards without even mentioning the most pitiful of them right now. If you read the title, you'd know that I'm talking about the very prestigious Foolitzer Prize. For years, the Foolitzer distinguished the good fools from the bad fools, and it's in such a pitiful state that there's only been five votes this month. Five votes! We need to do better than this, people. Not just for me, but for America.

"Why should I care about a stupid feature on a stupid site?" a stupid person may ask. Journalistic parody is the most important form of parody out there. Anyone can write, but it takes skill to write an UnNews. We should be trying to reward those skillful bastards, not ignore them. Without UnNews, nobody would take us seriously.  Oh, wait.

The point is that the Foolitzer needs our love. The hardworking writers that bring us smartly crafted misinformation every day need our love. We need to give them that love. Otherwise, we'll end up being worse than we already are, and do you think little Sophia's self-esteem can afford that? Do the right thing, people. You've got two days.

~jcm 22:38, December 20, 2011 (UTC)

Delivery

As with last week. It's here if anyone wants it. --ChiefjusticeWii 21:20, December 21, 2011 (UTC)

This week

There is no UnSignpost, at least not from me, this week. This is for various reasons, most of them beginning with "I am very busy with...". The UnSignpost will return again next week when I'm on rest days and have ample time to think up blocks of tortured prose. --ChiefjusticeWii 13:42, December 28, 2011 (UTC)

In that case, here. No one is writing questions anymore so I just made some up, hoping it will jump start it again. 

Q: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? A: What do you mean, African or European Swallow?

Q: Why does the sun never set over England? A: Because god doesn't trust the British in the dark. 

Also, if you wouldn't mind, could you add a link to the Q&A page so that it encourages more people to go over to it? Thanks. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)    21:29, December 28, 2011 (UTC)

I'll try to pump something out, but don't count on it. -- 21:43, December 28, 2011 (UTC)

Crisis averted.

Congrats on another successful week, everyone! *Pats self on back* -- 02:14, December 29, 2011 (UTC)

Nobody Cares

Nobody Cares 

By PopGoesTheWeasel

Looking back at this shitty doggy smelly piece of shit, I cannot help but realise the true beauty of not caring. Thorough the days of editing, not caring has saved my life once or twice. I did'nt care about the mince pies. Nor did I care about the French and Indian War. I mean, seriously? A French and Indian War? LOL. But anyway *clears throat*, this is not the point. I want YOU to stop caring about something. Does one not relish the true beauty of not caring? Do you not see what are the results of this beautiful action? I told this to Magic man who, as usual, turned me into a frog again. And of course, I had to apologise before he turned me back into my old self. Is'nt he a wonderful magician? That mother fucking ass bitch...

Anyways, if you would stop caring about something, you would realise the true result of not caring! I mean, look, some users stopped caring about VFH and let me tell you, they're having a wonderful time now! Well, except for one of the admins, who said : Oh, Popsy! If you stop caring about articles, you're in trouble!. Oh, ha ha, nice joke. Anyways, there appeared to be a problem for a while because after not caring about VFH for a few days, I could'nt edit any pages for a week. Weird. And some weird ass picture popped out saying some bullcrap - You can watch Uncyclopedia but you can't shag the shit or something like that. Anyway!

My aim is to have a certain topic with so little caring, it should be under the Nobody Cares category. Can we do that? I think so! Just stop caring about something! I don't care about anything, so I'm one step ahead of you guys! So what are you waiting for? STOP CARING NOW!

--POP!GoesTheWeasel 04:18, December 30, 2011 (UTC)

I hope it's ok. Although this is my second shot at this, I'm still naked to the entire UnsignPost format. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 04:21, December 30, 2011 (UTC)

I just read through this, and have posted my review here. Pup 07:25 30 Dec '11

PopGoesTheWeasel, it's fine, but I'll have to put it in the issue to go out on the 12th if that's okay as the cabal broadcast is in the slot where it would go this week. --ChiefjusticeWii 17:37, January 3, 2012 (UTC)