UnScripts:Night At The Museum: Real Version

In 2006, "Night at the Museum" was released, a popular film which incorporated popular comedians, like Ben Stiller and Ricky Gervais, into a fantastical story about exhibits coming to life. It also had lots of CGI, and was a massive moneymaker. However, it was panned by critics, something which annoyed the writer.

In 2009, its sequel, "Night at the Museum 2" or "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian", was released, also a popular film which incorporated popular comedians, like Ben Stiller and Ricky Gervais, into a fantastical story about exhibits coming to life. It also had lots of CGI, and was a massive blockbuster. However, it was panned by critics again, making the writer incredibly frustrated.

Finally, in 2010, "Night at the Museum 3" was ordered to be written. This time, the writer wanted critical praise rather than commercial success. He scrapped the popular comedians, the fantastical story, and all the CGI. He even got rid of the slapping monkeys. All in all, the only thing that remained from the original was the title, and Ricky Gervais (who didn't count as a popular comedian anymore). Effectively, "Night at the Museum 3" or "Night at the Museum: Real Version", was just a film about a night... at a museum.

It was again, universally panned by critics.

Awards

Woop.

Despite being lambasted by critics, it had the words "Night at the Museum" in the title, so many gullible punters went to see it, and it made over $100 million at the box office. It also (somehow) managed to win several awards. These include:

• "Longest Contents In Comparison With Actual Dialogue"
• "Teen Choice: Best Night At The Museum Sequel Which Doesn't Have Robin Williams In It" and
• "Golden Globe for Best Movie That Takes Place In A Museum Overnight".

It was only nominated for the Golden Globe, it didn't actually win.

The script here has been edited slightly, to show you not only what happens in the film, but also in the cinema whilst you are watching the film, to give you the full cinema experience. Well, that and if it was just the script it would be really boring.

Scene 1: The Epic Beginning Scene...With Characters

Interior, Owner's Office of Museum of Natural History. The Owner is there (he looks suspiciously like a funny British guy). Mark is also there. Mark is fat.

OWNER: Are you sure that you can handle the job?

MARK: Yes, I'm sure.

OWNER: Well, I guess you're hired. You'll need to start tomorrow at 7pm sharp. If you've got any questions, ask Sheila at reception.

Pause.

Wow, is that who I think it is?

OWNER: Oh, and your uniform is over there in the cupboard marked Private. I think it will fit.

Pause, while one immature member of the audience laughs at the fat joke. The rest sit there regretting the entrance fee.

OWNER: I mean...I hope it will fit.

Owner goes to leave.

MARK: Wait! Um, I meant to ask...are you Ricky Gervais?

Owner turns.

OWNER: Yes, as a matter of fact I am. But don't mention it to anybody!

MARK: (nodding, as if this is perfectly normal for him) Sure. But why are you working as a museum curator?

OWNER: Turns out British humour ain't as popular as it used to be.

Subtle wink to audience. Repeated, in case it was too subtle for the guy who laughed at the fat joke.

MARK: Ah. Sorry to hear about that.

OWNER: Don't worry. Ooh, but don't forget spare torch batteries in case yours run out.

Owner/Ricky leaves. After deciding the film won't be any good, a couple at the back start making out.

Scene 2: This Scene Takes Place The Next Day

Just to let you know where the action is all taking place. Here. Well I say action...

Interior, Reception of Museum of Natural History. "The Next Day" is written in big letters across the bottom of the scene.

SHEILA: ...And here are the keys. This one (holding up grey key) unlocks the staff toilets, on the far left. Anyway, you know where the coffee machine is, so I think you're all set.

MARK: Yeah. Thanks!

SHEILA: I'll see you in the morning. Good luck!

MARK: What do you mean good luck? What's expected to happen?

SHEILA: Oh, nothing, I'm sure.

Sheila leaves quickly. Mark sits down. Bizarrely, he is just sat in Reception, rather than, say, the CCTV control room. This is further proof the writer never worked as a museum guard. However, the audience are too excited to notice this. When do the animals start coming to life!?

Scene 3: A Scene-Setting Scene

Exterior, Museum of Natural History. It is getting dark. An owl hoots.

Or at least, someone in a studio with a synthesiser presses the "Owl" button and records it.

Scene 4: Scene Of Great Insignificance

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark looks outside.

MARK: Hmm. Getting dark out there. Hey, was that an owl?

Whistles.

Scene 5: Protagonist Still Hasn't Encountered A Problem (Is There No Plot?) Scene

This is how the audience would look if they thought this film was about to end.

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark looks at his watch. 9pm.

MARK: Time for a stroll, I think.

Mark walks round exhibits, whistling.

Scene 6: This Scene Is Thought Provoking

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark is playing with his torch near the fossils. And no, that is not an innuendo.

MARK: Why the hell did I need this anyway? They left the lights on.

Pause, for about two minutes. We are just watching him switching his torch on and off. This is supposedly to impress the critics (look! nothing's happening! aren't I radical!) but is actually quite boring. 3 people leave the cinema.

MARK: Hmm. I need the toilet.

This is accompanied by Mark grabbing his crotch area and limping off screen. No explanation is given as to how this desperation came about so suddenly, but presumably it is because seeing someone who needs the loo badly is hilarious to us.

Scene 7: Simple Yet Unengaging Scene...With A Toilet

I need to go now too!

Interior, outside the Staff Toilets of Museum of Natural History. Mark is struggling with his keys to the Staff Toilets. The guy who found the fat joke funny finds it hilarious.

MARK: Oh no! Which one was it?

Everybody in the audience (except Fat Joke Guy) thinks to themselves "grey key, you retard". You may be thinking this is unfair, everybody forgets stuff sometimes. However, there are only 10 keys on the key ring, only one is grey and only one is labelled "Staff Toilet".

MARK: Got it!

He goes in. About two minutes later, a flush is heard. For the duration of that two minutes, the camera focuses on the closed toilet door. Nine more members of the audience walk out, two of which go to the toilet.

Scene 8: No Seriously, Another Boring Scene

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark is playing Tetris on his phone.

MARK: Yes! High score!

The person secretly filming on the back row decides to stop his camcorder, as pirate copies of this won't be worth anything.

MARK: I want a doughnut.

Camera focuses on an empty doughnut packet next to Mark. A few seconds later there is a loud laugh from the immature person, as he realises it's a fat joke.

Scene 9: Scene In Which Something Happens, For The First Time In Ages

Coffeee...

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark is reading a magazine by an Egyptian mummy. (No, not written by the mummy. I know that would be cool, but it's not what I meant. He's standing next to an Egyptian mummy.) Several other members of the audience realise that is quite a good idea, and leave the cinema to spend the next hour reading a magazine.

MARK: (shocked) Brangelina did what!? (knocks over coffee cup accidentally)

MARK: Ah, man! Where are the mops?

Mark wanders off to find the janitor's closet. Once he has left the shot, the camera stays stationary, filming the mummy for 2 more minutes. This is because critics like this sort of thing, apparently. Well, they don't. The local critic leaves the cinema, thinking hoping its the end of the film.

Scene 10: A Musical Scene?

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark looks at his watch. 1:30am.

MARK: (singing) Mop-mop-mopping! Mop-mop-mopping!

This lasts ten minutes. A young boy asks his grandpa if they can go do something else, but he says no. They have to get their money's worth.

Scene 11: Climactic, Death Defying Suspenseful Dinosaur Conversation Scene

Why hello, how are you?
I'm good thanks. I think something bad is going to happen.
And why is that, Mr Dinosaur?
I can feel it in my bones... *Fat Joke Guy laughs*

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark is making coffee from the machine, whilst eating yet another doughnut.

MARK: Huh. Was that a siren? (shrugs) Guess not. What do you think, T-Rex?

No reply from the pile of bones that resembles a T-Rex. This is a customary response for an inanimate object thats been dead for 65 million years.

MARK: Ah. Thought so.

Whistles. A loud laugh is heard from the front, where the Fat Joke Guy finds the conversation hilarious. Two people get out their phones and start texting.

Scene 12: Another Scene

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark is asleep in his chair.

After about fifteen seconds of this, thirty nine people have the same idea and all run out of the cinema. Someone is nearly killed in the crush to get out. The Fat Joke Guy and his friend remain, plus Frugal Old Grandpa and his grandchildren in the eighth row. They cannot leave, as they have to get their money's worth. There is also Dating Couple at the Back, and Teenage Girls, who have ignored the film so far and are laughing and texting.

Scene 13: This Scene Is The Same As The Last One, But From A Different Angle

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark is still asleep in his chair.

There is violin music as it fades to black...it then fades back to exactly the same scene. The violins stop.

Fat Joke Guy's friend asks Fat Joke Guy if he wants to leave. He says no. Fat Joke Guy's friend leaves alone.

Scene 14: Scene From Outside Of The Natural History Museum...With Stars

Exterior, Museum of Natural History. It's dark. There are stars.

Frugal Old Grandpa's grandchildren have started playing Tag. The Noisy Teenage Girls are discussing the new hunk in school.

Scene 15: Seriously? Is Something ACTUALLY HAPPENING In This Scene?

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark accidentally knocks his sandwich over whilst sleeping. He then wakes up.

MARK: (yawning) Oh, what time is it? 3:30am? Woops, I've been asleep. Shit! Need some coffee.

Mark starts to make some coffee from the coffee machine. He notices something.

MARK: (dropping coffee cup) Holy shi-

Scene 16: Horror Signature Scene

This is what "dark" looks like.

Exterior, Museum of Natural History. It is dark.

A scream is heard.

Scene 17: This Scene Possibly Actually Has Some Action In It

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark is looking down at something out of the camera's view.

MARK: (scared) No! No! It can't be!!! NOO!!

(Backs away)

MARK: Why? Why me? Oh God, NO!

Scene 18: Scene That Is Unfortunately A Red Herring

Exterior, Museum of Natural History. Several police cars and an ambulance are racing past, lights blaring.

Scene 19: Uh...New Scene

Interior, Reception of Museum of Natural History. Mark is making a frantic phone call.

MARK: ...you've got to help me! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. (pause) Can't you come any sooner?! I need you!!

At this point Fat Joke Guy is on the edge of his seat. Nobody else is paying any attention, least of all Dating Couple at the Back, if you know what I mean.

Scene 20: The Person On The Other End Of The Line

What? No coffee? *faints*

And yes, I have already used this image. I am trying to make this more authentic.

Interior, Nescafe New York Branch.

OPERATOR: The machine has run out of coffee you say? No, I'm afraid we can only deliver in the morning. Why don't you pop out and get some? (pause) Oh, I see. Well, can't help you, I'm afraid. You'll have to survive without coffee.

Fat Joke Guy explodes in hilarity. It was the coffee machine! Ho ho ho! Meanwhile, Frugal Old Grandpa has stopped breathing.

Scene 21: Scene That Is Almost As Boring As Jumping On The Spot For Five Hours Straight

Interior, Museum of Natural History. By the sea shells.

MARK: (jumping on the spot) Two hundred and forty...two hundred and-

(Stops to look at his watch.)

MARK: Another three hours? But I'm sooo tirreeddd...

Scene 22: Surely This Scene Must Have Something Interesting In It

Interior, Museum of Natural History.

MARK: OMG! The exhibits are coming to life!

Pause. The grandchildren running up and down the aisle look up hopefully, daring to believe-

MARK: Oh, wait. No, they're not. I need coffee.

Scene 23: This Doesn't Need To Be Here

Interior, Museum of Natural History. Mark is sitting at his desk, weeping in front of the Neanderthals. No one knows why. No one cares why. Supposedly it what the critics like (look! I'm indie! I'm arthouse! I'm emotional and weepy and weird!), but that is a myth.

Scene 24: The Next Day Scene Every Film That Takes Place At Night Has At The End

Exterior, Museum of Natural History. It is morning, and Sheila unlocks the door. Mark leaves.

SHEILA: Good night?

MARK: Yeah, fine.

SHEILA: Nothing bad happen?

MARK: Nope.

SHEILA: Oh, that's good.

MARK: Wait, actually, the coffee machine is out of coffee.

SHEILA: Well we better get that seen to.

MARK: Yeah. See you tomorrow.

SHEILA: Bye Mark!

MARK: Bye Sheila!

Mark walks off. Camera stays there for another minute or so.

Large letters appear at the bottom of the screen.

FIN

. (this means it's the end).

Fat Joke Guy stands up and claps. Noisy Teenage Girls have already left. The Dating Couple at the Back have already had full-on sex, and are now asleep, along with Frugal Old Grandpa's Grandchildren. Frugal Old Grandpa has actually died during the screening, in Scene 19. He didn't even get his money's worth.