UnNews:"Jesus vs. Palpatine" debate rages over Internet

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3 September 2006

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Left, Jesus of Nazareth. Right, Emperor Palpatine.

ATLANTA, Georgia -- Heated debates have erupted in chat rooms, blogs and websites over the comparative merits of Jesus Christ, the founder of Christianity, and Emperor Palpatine, the founder of the Galactic Empire.

"'At the name of Jesus, every knee shall bend,'" wrote "saved1991" on teensformaranatha.com, a popular Christian website. "I have felt the warm love of my savior, and praise be to God for showing me the way. His yoke is gentle; his power is awesome."

"LMAO at you!" replied "emperorshand87" a few seconds later. "Dood, at Emperor Palpatine's name, DARTH VADER's knee bends. If the Dark Lord of the Sith couldn't resist him, what chance does the Prince of Peace have? IMHO, Palpatine could so take Jesus in a fight."

Partisans for Jesus argue that as the Son of God, Jesus' power is unlimited, pointing to miracles like the loaves and fishes and the raising of Lazarus.

"If Jesus really wanted to, he could shoot lightning out of his hands AND drop a roof AND throw Palpatine down a gravity well," the Rev. Joel Osteen wrote on his personal website. "But he doesn't, because of his infinite capacity for love and because Palpatine got his ass kicked by a blond wimp with a mop-top. Palpatine is such a pussy, he's not worth Jesus' time."

Palpatine supporters, however, insist that Jesus advocates do not know the power of the dark side.

"Granted, Jesus founded a religion with a billion followers," said Ken Rubio, the director of the short film "Troops." "And what did Palpatine do? Oh, just take over a government that was 25,000 YEARS OLD with 10,000 WORLDS and AT LEAST A QUADRILLION SENTIENTS on them. But just keep walking on water. While you're trying to show Peter the light, Palpatine will cut you up faster than Mace Windu."

Although the arguments revolve around a hypothetical conflict between the two men, sub-debates have proliferated, including scenarios where Palpatine is appointed governor of Judaea and Jesus uses battle meditation during the battle of Endor.

"Jesus would be at least as powerful as Bastila Shan," wrote "mercyman" in an AOL chatroom. "In that situation, forget Ackbar. Jesus plows through the Executor like he harrowed hell."

"Wrong, wrong, wrong," replied "myrkyrmaker." "Palpatine reaches out with the dark side and confuses the pilots, neutralizing Jesus' tactical manuevers. The Rebels still win, but things play out as they did in ROTJ (best Star Wars film, don't argue)."

Some have tried to bring peace to the debate by positing alternatives based on the stories and mythologies of both. Jim Wallis, editor-in-chief of Sojourners magazine, has asked people to think about whether Palpatine could seduce Jesus to the dark side, or alternatively, if Jesus could save Palpatine.

A recent entry on dantooinedata.com poses a similar question.

"Could Palpatine have been brought to see the light?" "ripporkins" wrote. "If he had, we're talking about a guy who's maybe the equal of both Skywalkers and an effective leader. I'm sure he could have been a big help during the Yuuzhan Vong crisis."

"The only person who saves is Jesus," an anonymous IP wrote in response. "His everflowing grace could redeem Palpatine -- and you -- if you will accept him. Don't fight it, though. Because Jesus could destroy Admiral Thrawn with a blink."


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