T.O.A.S.T.
| T.O.A.S.T. | |
 Rye Records had to place countless Parental Advisory stickers on T.O.A.S.T.'s work to increase sales. | |
| Origin | Jacksonville |
| Years Active | 1986-1999 |
| Genre(s) | Rock Whole Wheat |
| Label(s) | Rye Records |
| Members | Ted Turner Shaq Megan Fox Tim Allen |
| Albums sold in Millions | 276 |
| Times Megan Fox got freaky with a band member | |
T.O.A.S.T. was a famous rock band from the late 1980's and early 19th Century, who performed all over the world and parts of Canada spreading their message of peace, love and oral hygiene. Each initial in the acronym stood for a member of the band - one of whom also doubled as a groupie. Often considered the driving force behind the popularity of the Chevy Nova car and of course toast; the band had several songs which reached number 1 on the Billboards' top 100 chart, and their songs also received several Grammies.
However in 1998 tragedy struck when one member of the band spontaneously combusted while on stage. T.O.A.S.T. (having become O.A.S.T) disbanded. Members of the band are probably hanging around your local park, smoking weed and scaring kids with their crazy stories of band life, even as we speak.
T: Ted Turner[edit]
T stood for Ted Turner, a legendary business icon who moonlighted as a cocktail waitress. Ted was always one of the more crazy band members mentally. He was known for having random outbursts and on several occasions trashed his trailer or hotel room. However, Ted's status as lead singer and band manager meant nobody would dare confront him about his careless actions, out of fear that he might go crazy on their ass. Ted made millions from the band gigs, mainly from cheating his band mates by doing their taxes and signing himself as their dependent, but also by claiming the band was a non-profit organization. Ted would prove, indirectly, to be the band's downfall.
O: Shaquille O' Neal[edit]
Though Shaq is well known for his basketball skills and his ability to stay away from rape charges (unlike somebody whose name shall not be mentioned - though it starts with a K and ends with a obe Bryant), Shaq has never receive due credit for his successes throughout his illustrious career; as both an actor and his role as lead drummer for the band T.O.A.S.T.. Shaq doubled as stage security and was in charge of snacks on Tuesdays and Sundays. Though Shaq wasn't a very seasoned drummmer he brought something new to the band's audience - primarily black people. Shaq was never really allowed to sing on any songs except, most notably, the song Two Cents and a Can of Chew where he chews tobacco and then spits it into the front row. After doing this Shaq was known to moan Yeah, I know you like it like that bitch! - this was not merely a spontaneous throwaway line, but actually featured in the song lyrics.
A: Aaron Burr[edit]
Contrary to the common belief that Aaron Burr is most famous for killing off Alexander Hamilton and trying to take over America, he is in fact not dead. The rumoured Fountain of Youth was discovered by him while he was taking a leak. Drinking from the fountain gave him eternal youth, but to ensure that nobody ever found the fountain Burr destroyed it. He would later use a pen name to write a book loosely based on his early life as a long-haul truck driver called Truck Everlasting. Burr was in charge of the band's triangle, also clapping his hands together enthusiastically to warm up the crowd. Burr was said to not talk much backstage, only responding with brief and curt answers even when directly questioned. In a documentary about the band Shaq recalls asking him if he thought abortion was moral. Burr simply began to fiddle with a coat hanger and then went back to reading a soup can label.
S: Megan Fox[edit]
Despite the fact that she in fact does not even have the letter S in her name Ted Turner found it hard to turn her down during band auditions. In Rolling Stone Magazine Ted is quoted as saying the following:
| “ | Megan Fox had zero singing talent and her name didn't start with S, but man did she have some good tits and ass and that has three S's in it! Plus she sorta of worked as the band's groupie backstage before and after shows. On stage we just had her stand there and rub herself down, we got a huge pop from the crowd with that. She is such a sweet girl, she still let me take her to pound town even after I got crabs. But what can you expect for a girl who dated David Gallagher? | ” |
It should be noted that Megan is the only member of T.O.A.S.T. to have a successful career after the break up the band. She is currently working at Olive Garden.
T: Tim Allen[edit]
The final member and sometimes considered the most unappreciated member of the band. Tim was an expert with his electric guitar and even bigger expert on tools. Tim doubled as a roadie and made the most money from merchandise sales. Though Tim often had problems with the law such as being a world famous cocaine smuggler and mercenary for hire. Tim was known to shoot and kill people whom he was assigned to kill if they were ever stupid enough to come to one of his concerts. One famous incident is when a man who Tim was hired to kill came up to Tim after a show in London and asked for him to sign his chest. Allen obliged and then shot the man in the heart with his gun. Tim was said to have continued immediately with signing autographs.
Backstage Relationships[edit]
- Ted Turner was always trying to start fights with people. His biggest target was Tim Allen whom he despised for his undying charisma. However this heated rivalry cooled down once Ted Turner perished unexpectedly.
- Shaq on several occasions was on the edge of being kicked out of the band after he was caught multiple times putting his hands down his pants and then placing his pubic-hair-covered-hands on another member’s shoulders.
- Megan Fox slept with every member of the band at least three times a day.
- Tim Allen was once caught urinating on Megan Fox. The video of this incident can be found at Dirty Wankers Unite
- Aaron Burr was said to have participated in strange hobbies which disturbed his fellow bandmates such as plucking his own facial hair and then eating it. It was also common for him to eat other people's facial hair. Ted Turner recalls having to shave incessantly to keep Burr from picking at his face during his sleep.
- Ted Turner was rumoured to also hate Shaq because he burst his bubble when he told him that he was indeed not, in any way shape or form, Captain Planet.
- The band for the most part got along like an incestuous family.
The Band's End[edit]
After over a little bit over a decade of success T.O.A.S.T. was performing at Madison Square Garden when Ted Turner spontaneously combusted while on stage. Totally shocked the audience thought it was all part of the show until it was too late. Turner had turned to ash by the final song of the night. This was a cruel blow to the band and the die-hard fans of T.O.A.S.T. as the quality of songs began to wane drastically, as did record sales. The band’s final pathetic attempt to stay in the business was performing at my 16th birthday party. They sucked. After breaking up officially in 1999 not a single band member has had outstanding success. In 2006 the members of T.O.A.S.T. reunited for an E! True Hollywood Story shooting since the band had basically been forgotten the broadcast of the band's story scored the lowest rankings in cable history for number of viewers, even below the Bowflex infomercials.
Discography[edit]
- T.O.A.S.T.-Debut Album 1986
- T.O.A.S.T. Buddies-1987
- White Bread-1989
- Burnt T.O.A.S.T With Butter-1990
- Grocery Store Riot-1991 Topped Billboard Charts as number one Album bought that year.
- Rye be Hungry?-1992
- Megan's Milk Jugs go great with this T.O.A.S.T.-1994
- Bread Knife-1995
- If T.O.A.S.T. fed the World-1996
- T.O.A.S.T. Rockin' Da Hood!-1997
- T.O.A.S.T. anyone?-1998
- Please just buy some T.O.A.S.T. buy our albums dammit!-1999
- The Best of T.O.A.S.T. Collector's Edition-2004