Jesus
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Here is a list of the various interpretations and related personages attributed to Jesus. Further information can be found by visiting some of the places frequented by Jesus: Israel, the houses of tax collectors, big open fields, Heaven, and the southeastern US (proving that He could walk on swampland as easily as on water).
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. | |
| Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself; the one who started it all! | Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus |
| Jebus: Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother | Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus |
| Evil Jesus: Drunken saviour, friend of whores and thieves. | Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware |
| Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! | Your own: Personal Jesus |
| Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! | ¿Qué?: Jesús |
| Ultra Jesus: All Jesii wrapped into one | Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus |
| The moral superiority of being religious, without the calories: Jesus Lites™ | Back with a vengeance! Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said. | Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus |
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
| Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you | What would Jesus smoke? Sweet smoking Jesus |
| Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter | Salvation by Trickle-Down: Supply-side Jesus |
| Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: He drank TOO much wine. | Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah |
| For your tiny sins: MicroJesus | Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus |
| Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone | He's blonde, cultish, and believes in racial purity. No, he's not a Nazi, he's Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints |
| Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV | An alpha prototype Christ: Jesus 1.5a |
| Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find | The one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something: Jesus LaBrie |
| MC Jesus: The Jewish Rap Sensation |
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
| Pity them, and feed them table scraps. If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch! | |
| Bad Jesii | |
|---|---|
| All Jesii wrapped into no-one: Atheist Jesus | Sabbath Night Fever: The Bee-Jesus |
| Piss Christ: Ewww! | You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus |
| Evil Jesus: Careful of this Jesus | "Promoting God's chain of Churches": McJesus |
| Prehistoric Jesus: The find of the century | Djesus: French Jesus |
| The real reason Christ was crucified: Jesus of Jerusalem | And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus |
Original Jesus was said to be emo.
This is evident from his self harming, which can be seen on his hands and feet
This is evident from his self harming, which can be seen on his hands and feet
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