Mile High Club
The Mile High Club is a social club established to celebrate the airline deregulation which took place as part of the sexual revolution. Founded in the earliest days of aviation, it reached its peak in 1967 with the publication of "Coffee, Tea or Me?", a book of memoirs by fictional "jet set" stewardesses Trudy Baker and Rachel Jones.
History[edit]
“Ld. Cholmondeley has given two guineas to Ld. Derby, to receive 500 Gs whenever his lordship has sex with a woman in a balloon one thousand yards from the Earth.”
The traditions of the mile-high club have their roots in the social clubs of the 18th century British aristocracy. While membership in the original clubs was largely restricted to adventurers, mountaineers and moneyed eccentrics, the advances in technology in the 19th and 20th centuries lowered the barriers to entry, by creating new groups dedicated to new experiences. The first of these was the 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea club, established by Jules Verne in the 1870's, which involved an "around the world" and back sexual experience aboard the French submarine Plongeur as she travelled four leagues (sexteen kilometres) beneath the seas. Being French, Verne's contemporaries took readily to "going down" and these tours enjoyed a brief spurt of popularity among those who fetishise sexual encounters with sea monsters.
The next variation of the club began in the early 1900's with the "Few Metres off the Ground Club", notoriously started by the Wright Brothers after their mother complained about the noises coming from their bedroom. Since then, the club has had its membership become more exclusive following the executive decision to increase the required height to be admitted into the club. This decision, as was expected, caused a split amongst its members, leading some to make their own less exclusive club, The Ground Height Club, which is based in Denver and operates on the presumption that the city is already a mile high. This group is only known to discriminate against sexually active Miners. Other rival factions include the "Really High Club", popular during the drug-filled hippie Summer of '69 but now largely reserved for crack addicts, and the "Sea Level Club" (Otherwise known as the Navy), which is a men's exclusive club.
For purists with a passion for flight, to whom love is a flight of fancy, only the original will do — despite new regulations which have barred Solo Membership, and discouraged Equestrian Membership due to the large number of horses becoming sick inside airline toilets.
Rules and Regulations[edit]
Please obey your stewardess or flight attendant, paying close attention to the simple precautions described in the safer-sex video before takeoff:
- Since the Hindenburg, members are no longer accepted from the Zeppelin Division. This has not gone over well among voyagers trying to buy a Stairway to Heaven.
- Due to many accidental circumcisions, the Helicopter Division has also been disbanded. A few rogue operators have been known to offer "a ride" in black helicopters to evade the ban, but they are not to be trusted.
- Please fasten your belts and avoid pulling your snake from your trousers during takeoff or landing.
- The more adventurous may be tempted to swap husbands, swap wives or even swap airlines... but please don't swap aircraft in mid-flight for safety's sake.
- Gold Membership Cards are available to any member who manages to complete the act whilst flying the plane. Bonus points are awarded for completing all of the usual in-flight announcements, during the act, in a perfectly deadpan tone while switching between multiple yoga positions.
- Cream Membership Cards are available to any member who manages to complete the act on top of their membership card.
- Bukkake is subject to the same arbitrary and capricious 100mL limits as any other fluids in carry-on, by federal regulation.
- Membership prices vary from country to country, though, as always, Family Membership is often cheaper.
Legality[edit]
“Why, Mrs. Peirce and I didn’t have what you might dignify by calling a real accident. It was only a trivial mishap. We decided to land on the water and came down perfectly from a height of 600 feet and would have made a perfect landing had not the hull of our machine struck one of the stakes that dot the water, which staved a hole in it.”
Flying the supposedly "friendly skies" is a process which has become a bit more unfriendly in the wake of government paranoia and overreach in the wake of the September 11, 2001 attacks. In the heyday of the jet set, "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just really glad to see me?" was merely friendly cabin banter. Today? It will result in an explicit strip search, in front of the entire crew and passengers. First offence. On particularly strict airlines, including most US and Israeli carriers, expect to have the stewardess bring out the whips and chains in response to even the most minor of supposed infractions. Discipline will be maintained onboard at all cost.
Due to many Club events resulting in plane crashes, several countries have made Pilot involvement illegal in all activities except for Oral Presentations to the crew and passengers. Other countries have outlawed the act altogether, although keen Club members have been known to find loopholes. For example, while sex is not permitted within the cabin, so far no laws have been made to prevent people from having sex on the wings of the plane. The previously mentioned loophole is a fine example of the Club's Community Service: Why get bored on a 5-hour flight when you can simply look out your window for the club's free in-flight entertainment? Other various places have been found around the plane's exterior which are ideal for Club Events, including the infamous "Vaginapit above the Cockpit window" which, despite its hazards, has so far received no complaints from the pilots.
Measurement Issues[edit]
Despite its American origin, it has caused issues in countries employing the metric system, where the Club is formally known as the 1.609344 Km club. To those who prefer to measure everything in yards (or even football pitches, in a bizarre pattern understood only by the media), it is known as the 1760 Yards Club. Some even suggested that it should be called the 63360 Inch Club, but Club Members were afraid that this would be taken as measuring something other than the altitude of the airplane.
Due to all this confusion, some have suggested more practical names, such as "Sexual Intercourse in an airplane at the altitude of 1 mile or more, to be conducted with one or more person/animal (Not Horses) but occasionally dogs, but never each other's wives, what do you think we are? Swingers? Although group sex is a possibility if she's all right with it, we'll have to discuss this over sex some time (in an airplane)-Club". Members are still uncertain if this name conveys exactly what the Mile High Club is.
See also[edit]
- Sex (it's crucial to understand this concept before trying to understand the Mile High Club)
- Airplane
- Wright Brothers
- Airline