HowTo:Survive a Horror Movie
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INT. A DARK AND PROBABLY RATHER SMELLY ROOM — NIGHT
Two teenagers lie on the grimy floor of said room, unconscious. Their clothes are torn and they are surrounded by pools of blood.
The girl, LAURA, wakes up.
LAURA
W... where are we?Nothing happens.
LAURA (CONT'D)
Jason? Are you OK? Tell me you're OK! We need to establish a relationship to progress the movie!JASON
Ohh...LAURA
Jason! Are you OK?JASON
Are you that hooker I hired?LAURA
No, it's me, Laura! We were at that party yesterday night, and we got really drunk, and I don't remember what happened next!JASON
Oh, that explains my splitting headache.LAURA
No, I think that's down to blood loss.JASON
Well Laura, thanks for explaining the back story. Now, I think we should figure out how to get out of here, or possibly where the killer is.LAURA
I don't know. The second one sounds kind fun...Suddenly, there is a LOUD CREAKING NOISE!!
LAURA (CONT'D)
What do you think that was?JASON
Could it not be the killer?LAURA
No.Jason gets up.
JASON
If we're in a horror movie, we need to fashion weapons to use against the killer.LAURA
How can you be sure we're in a horror movie?JASON
What bra size are you?LAURA
Touché.Jason picks up a piece of wood and breaks it in two so that the end is sharpened.
JASON
Hell, this ought to do.He throws Laura a piece.
LAURA
Thanks.A moment of silence goes by.
LAURA (CONT'D)
You know, I interpret you throwing me this piece of mouldy wood as a sign of affection. And I want you to know that I share this badly-thought out affection.JASON
Of course you do. The critics need something to maul.
Kill it with fire!
They kiss. Suddenly, THE KILLER BREAKS IN!
LAURA
Holy shit!Jason punches the killer in the face, and kicks him in the crotch for good measure.
He falls to the floor, dead.
JASON
Looks like his chemistry teacher forgot to teach him about... the element of surprise! Zing!Jason and Laura survive and live happily ever after.
THE END.
See also[edit]
Bullshit. Just get them naked and
cut their heads off! --Rick
cut their heads off! --Rick