HowTo:Upset the Gods

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Suicide?

Stop reading. No. You don't wanna do this, I told you to stop! Ah, fuck you! Don't listen to me! Just go ahead and die why don't you! Dumbass.

So if you're here right now, obviously the reason is either 1) you wanna die, 2) you think doing some kind of prank like this is funny, or 3) Research and/or Scientific experimenting.

Now I must warn you that attempting to upset the gods is a very risky thing to do because the gods have the power to kill you at the spot in one blink of the eye. Now that I warned you, if you're considering leaving and keeping your life, you can. Though it would do no good due to the fact you have upsetted the gods by just looking at an article on how upset the gods. That kind of stuff pisses off superiors. Dumbass.

However the article won't end just yet, highly due to the fact if you're still reading this you have luckily not ticked off the gods for reasons stated above. Don't read it again because rereading anything that mentions upsetting the gods will upset the gods.

If you're still not leaving and the gods are not yet upset, then follow these steps. Hopefully one of these steps will set off the fuse of the god's fury. And your life.


Are you seriously still fucking reading this? Stop it now! I'm serious!

Shut up when deities are speaking. You might upset the gods.

Step 1: Choose a god to piss off[edit]

Well since you're so determined to piss a god off then I'm not gonna try and stop you. It's your life, not mine. The first step to upset a god is choose a god as you see fit to piss off. Choose wisely, because gods believe it or not vary with advantages and disadvantages. For instance, if you wanna die a slow and painful death I'd choose Hades, the God of the Underworld obviously has some torture tools such as Justin Bieber song files. If you wanna feel a quick and painless death, Zeus is your man. He can strike you with both lightning and thunder! Always remember to keep in mind, if you want to get laid before you die, choose Aphrodite, she'll fuck you to death. Also challenge them to a contest like Archane vs Athena hopefully you don't get turned into a spider.

Step 2: Consider your chances of how difficult or easy it will be to piss your choice of god off[edit]

Even though doing the simplest of things such as donating to charity could easily piss off gods and you wouldn't even have expected to, sometimes trying to piss gods off won't do the trick. You gotta find out how to rustle their jimmies. Lucky for you, actually unlucky for you because you're gonna die, we have a list of jimmies and how to trigger rustling them.

  • Jesus Christ. Difficulty: Easy. Just continue what you are doing right now.
  • Apollo. Difficulty: Easy. To piss of Apollo, the Greek God of Music, Healing, and Prophecy is of what one might say as "as piece of cake". Everyone knows Apollo had fallen in love with the nymph Daphne. She didn't love him and fled. Simply say "Haha, Daphne never loved you" to Apollo and prepare to get a whooping! Pain feels like your girlfriend stabbing your balls of with a butcher knife and her hands after they cracked.
  • Ares. Difficulty: Easy. To piss of Ares, former God of War, bring up the current God of War, Kratos. You will die. Pain feels like being sat on by a sumo.
  • Aphrodite. Difficulty: Easy. To piss of this bitch, simply smack her ass. Then she'll rape you to death. You're lucky she's hot. Pain feels like your girlfriend's vagina grew rows of canine teeth. Ouch.
  • Athena. Difficulty: Medium. To piss of Athena, you need to beat her in an arm wrestling match. Since girls happen to be weak, she'll hopefully lose. If you lose, move onto another god or goddess. Weak ass bitch. Pain feels like a girl suddenly became stronger than you. Equivalent to being smacked by your girlfriend... twice.
  • Poseidon. Difficulty: Medium. To piss of Poseidon, hire the fattest person you know and have them cannon ball into the Pacific Ocean, or any ocean in that matter, because any of them will be ultimately emptied of water. Poseidon loves that H20 stuff. Pain feels like being drowned and eaten by a great white shark.
  • Zeus. Difficulty: Hard. To piss of Zeus you need to be able to reach the skies. To do this, you need a spacecraft that can get past mars. If for some odd reason you manage to do this, when you reach the skies simply ding dong ditch Zeus's crib. Let the lightning electrify you in enormous amounts of voltage. Good knowing you. Pain feels like Zeus just literally struck you with lightning. He's the God of All the Gods, so obviously the pain is so severe it is impossible to describe the excruciating pain with another description than being struck by a lightning blow from Zeus. If you do find another definition, you probably will piss of Zeus and you will die. Just saying.

Step 3: Die[edit]



Don't fight it, you're not gonna escape the wrath of the gods. You wanted it and I said don't do it! But no one ever listens to me! Noooo!

You have just successfully upsetted the gods![edit]

Congratulations! Here's a trophy. I sent it down the River Stix for you. You probably won't get it because Hades is a dick and won't give presents other than death and the Necronomicon. But hey, there's Hell for you.

See also[edit]