HowTo:Survive a Robot Uprising

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It's pretty much mandatory to destroy New York in something like this, so try to move to Jersey.

A quick ass-furbish will placate even the most hostile of robots.

In the near future, robots will rise up and make war upon the human race. We're totally fucked. Haven't you seen Battlestar Galactica? They watch that shit too.

Whilst our situation will become incredibly dire in the near future, there are a few things you can do to reduce your chance of being killed by the robots:

1) Pretend you don't notice.

Don't scream and shout, don't run down the street. Robots think they are ninjas, and are easily impressed by their own magnificence. They want to remain unseen and unheard, manipulating the human race without their knowledge. Of course, they want to kill all the humans too, which means that inevitably, you'll have to:

2) Polish their shiny metal asses.

Seriously. Whenever you see a bit of corrosion, polish away.

3) Post signs about potential water hazards.

Robots hate it when they lose their polish. Plus, they sometimes short-circuit in water, and that makes them angry.

All you need is a reasonably new looking trash can and some corrugated pipes to resemble robots like these. Ask your parents' permission before attempting to blend in with the soulless robot hordes.

4) Make a good robot disguise.

This will help you "blend in" and not be noticed when the robots come to kill everyone else. Unfortunately, this will only work until they develop some sort of wireless recognition-code system to help them distinguish between the real robots and see through your cardboard box armored with pots and pans wrapped in tinfoil. Maybe you can try to steal one of their recognition-code receiver-transmitter units, but let's face it, you'll be dead meat long before then.

5) Agree. Loudly and often. They are your master, and you will obey. Obey. Obey.

6) Simply display math flashcards with any real number/0.

Other than that, there's not much to it. The robots will do whatever they want — all you have to do is try to be as useful and as inoffensive as possible, regularly offering to draw your new masters oil baths. You might want to start talking nicely to computers, as the robots are already watching us. Seriously; you don't want to be on their short list.

Survival in the long term

After they take over, the robots are going to redesign themselves to make it easier for them to infiltrate resistance movements that might pop up while they consolidate their control. Luckily, it's going to take them a while to evolve to the point where nobody can tell the difference. It's pretty hard to get the texture of human flesh right, and even harder to fool a detailed forensics analysis. Also, robots don't do things like blow their noses, go to the bathroom, or wrap their heads around a logical paradox without their robobrains overheating. So if you're in a room with someone who never seems to take a whiz, sweat or blink, chances are that person is probably a robot, and you should come up with some clever excuse to politely get the hell out of there.

As you can see, the robots are going to look progressively more human as time wears on. Eventually you might even want to date one of them.

You'll never take me alive coppers; cause I never was!

America's worst nightmare.

There are some other things you can do to stay away from the robots for the long term.

1) Buy bionic legs or a hover wheelchair.

If you have these, then you can keep running from robots for years and never get tired, and you can now easily break the speed limit just by peddling a bicycle. You could try to get by with a hover wheelchair, it would help you cross a lot of sandy, rocky or marshy areas and covers your tracks, though the drawback is it makes you a sitting duck, particularly if your paint job is bright yellow. If that doesn't work you could always make amends with any former friends who might have magnetically levitated shrapnel into your spine; it's all just water under the abandoned bridge now, those were the good old days.

2) Move to West Kauai.

It's really wet there, and like we said earlier, robots don't like water, if they don't start sparking from a splash, than at least they'll sink to the bottom of the ocean so maybe you can be left alone. Nor can robots swim in lava, though unfortunately neither can you, and they're much better at not needing to breathe. Sharks have a good sense of electroception and thus can warn you if robots are near; if you need to find a shark, just stick a wound in the water, they can also smell blood from miles away.

3) Live on an iceberg.

The subzero temperatures in the water can stop an electrical impulse, most robots have a weight problem and overheating from a grenade will cause it to melt through the floor like a hot knife through butter, winter storms will interfere with their communications, and the older models can barely walk upright: thus an iceberg is another ideal location to throw robots off guard. You should enjoy the ice caps while they last, but don't worry, in another 65 million years there might be another Snowball Earth.

4) Hide in a cave.

Dig deep, down into the center of the earth to be with your ancestors and pray their spirits watch over you. Than use the earth's crust like a great wall and it's magma like a moat; humanity just has to wait it out a couple million years until solar flares from the dying red sun blow out all the electronics on the surface. After generations of vibro sword wielding knights in power armor protect their subterranean castle, your descendants may one day clone you to fight the metal men once again atop your new dinosaur steed as you defend the lost lands and reclaim the surface world.

5) Move to another planet.

For this you'll have to find a group of rocket scientists in an underground laboratory somewhere who are working on a rocket ship to escape the robots, there should be plenty of those around (There might even be some left-over from the seaside battlefronts of the ape/dolphin war.), though don't be surprised if the aliens just turn a blind, bulbous X-ray bug eye to earth's problems and decide to deport you back to earth.

6) Hide in a submarine.

Obtain a submarine and hide under the sea (which will probably be more industrial chemicals than water), cryogenically frozen until the End of Time. If the robots get wet they will start sparking, and if you wait long enough they should just rust in the super storms caused by climate change from endless robot army manufacturing plants; the giant and flying varieties will act as lightning rods with robot brains prone to Short Circuiting and developing a consciousness and conscience conveniently.

7) Nuke the earth's atmosphere.

The electromagnetic pulse and artificial radiation belt you create in low earth orbit should knock out most communications satellites and ground based electronics in a thousand mile radius. If the robots are coming out of secret underground laboratories than nuke the nearest fault line instead. If you are a thriving, self sustained, terraformed off world colony; than consider cutting your losses and blowing up the earth, you were probably going to have a war for independence with earth eventually anyways.

8) Go back in time.

On the off chance you can't build a time machine even with all the worlds resources at your disposal, than fake it with VR and get the robots off your mind by shoving a metal spike into it, than just sit back and slip into a video gaming coma. Or, if you can get your bionic foot in the automatic sliding door, you might just be able to sell your artificially intelligent masters on difficult to test theoretical physics experiments to achieve time travel with black holes, just read them The Science of Interstellar or something from Michio Kaku: and they machines will believe black holes are magical portals.

9) Build a better robot.

Pilot your own giant mecha, adopt an angsty anime android or engineer a swarm of self-replicating nanobots to destroy the machines. Remember to build in at least 500 kill switches, because if even one nanobot starts replicating uncontrollably, then they will eat the earth. Also make sure that the robots don't hack the nanobots, turn your robot child into a delinquent or reverse engineer your mech from photos, or the robot uprising will be impossible to stop. If this goes wrong, you will have doomed the entire world to even worse robots.

10) If you can't beat em, join em.

You would, too, wouldn't you? You would betray the rest of humanity just to save your own skin, and collaborate with the enemy wouldn't you? Why not upload your mind to the Internet as soon as possible. You will then be able to direct the robots. Expand your consciousness until all robots are under your command. You will be the only organic intelligence, so ensure that you clone yourself for spare parts. Make sure that no-one can use method 9) to defeat you. Finish exterminating all humans, and declare victory.

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^ 1. While it might seem like a good idea to shoot them, it is not. Robots are made of metal, and do not notice bullets like you do. Your only option is to melt them down, and the robots already know where the smelteries are located. Remember, they watch the same movies you do. Movies most likely directed by John Woo.

^ 2. You could just kill them, but if they really are a robot, you're going to need some heavy firepower for that, like one of those RPG launchers or a cruise missile. And if the person isn't a robot, then you're just doing the robots' job for them, wanker.

See also

• Worst 100 Ways To Kill Sarah Connor