HowTo:Beat your wife

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Disobedient woman in need of beating.
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“If you can't join them, beat them.”

~ J. Edgar Hoover on Women

“A dog, a woman and a walnut tree, the more you beat 'em the better they be.”

~ Rhyming Quincy on his jail sentence for beating his wife

So your wife vehemently says, "You know what, <insert name here>? Fuck you!", right after you innocently ask her to lend you her credit card to order Internet porn and a box of angora butt-plugs. Or perhaps she growled "What the bloody hell?" after you relocated her makeup into the trash to make room for your impressive collection of erotic Hummel figurines. Or perhaps she even protested "For the love of all that's holy, please stop!" when you pushed her into a corner and showed off the awesome power of your dick by slapping it against her face like Michael Spinks hitting a speed-bag.

What do you do now? She, as the supposedly-obedient Woman, has openly disobeyed the Man's superior orders. What do you do now that she, through not obeying, has caused you to "lose face"? You, as a male, have a duty to reclaim your manhood status and assert the superiority of your gender through the best method possible... violence.

So you're going to beat your wife

Having one means you are always right (actual labeling and words are irrelevant).

First off, good for you!! That bitch deserves it. Remember, having a dick automatically makes you right. Conversely, having a vag means you're always wrong. Before you can start the beating, there are a couple of things you'll want to do. First, make sure you're not incredibly overweight. Also, it helps to have enough manual dexterity to grasp such things as a stout club, your wife's neck, or your penis. Speaking of weapons...

Possible Weapons

Anything, and I do mean anything, can be used to smack that bitch down. However, it helps to have one of the following preferred weapons on hand:

  • Belt: Easily acquired and painful if used right. Improper flicks of the wrist may cause the belt to double back and smack you in your face. Also, your trousers may fall down when your belt is removed, leaving yourself wide open to an attack on your unguarded genitals!
  • Club: Much more effective and damaging than the belt. This is significantly harder to acquire. Check your local pawn shop.
  • Fists: The most convenient of all weapons, your fists are generally useful in a pinch, and they come as standard equipment for most non-handicapped abusers. Remember, use caution! Improper punching technique may lead to broken fingers, and a single accidental slip-up may cause you to irretrievably lose your fist inside a vagina.
  • Phone-book: Without sacrificing menace and/or slapping power, the common household phone book does not leave bruises or welts, and is thus preferred when your wife's bruises would be inconvenient for you.
  • Penis: Effective, poetic and just plain awesome. Especially useful for those of African heritage, the penis may be deployed to spectacular effect even by the teeniest of the weenies. (Note: may prove ineffective for those of Asian descent.)
  • Car: Very powerful, but has a tendency to cause massive collateral damage.
  • Another female: Deploy the second female approximately six inches from the object of your wrath, making sure that both are fully intoxicated. Say the word "skank" in a high-pitched whisper. Hilarity (and sometimes a great deal of eroticism) ensues.
  • Your head: That's right, just drop the damn nut on her. (Note: make sure to remove your Prussian Pickelhaube first. You don't want her dead, just beaten. After all, dinner is not gonna cook itself.)


While it is perfectly OK to use the traditional Slap-across-the-cheek, most spousal abuse experts feel it is clichéd and trite. Like an over-used antibiotic, it will cease to instill fear, and may cause her to counter-attack with greater force. To prevent such a travesty, men, especially men hailing from impoverished Eastern European countries, have developed a series of potent anti-woman techniques:

The Eighteen Dragon Fist

Called by its creators xiang long shi-ba zhang, this technique was originally developed by a caste of elite beggar martial artists in China. Further developed in the famous Chinese shaolin Monastery, it quickly became an incredibly potent wife-beating technique. Largely focused on hitting all eighteen pressure points on the human body in rapid succession, this technique, when successfully employed, instantly defeats your target. It is difficult to execute because it requires long years of seclusive training... and after mastering, you wouldn't have had time to find a wife and get married.

Sometimes it's in self defense, mostly in wet dreams.

The Final Atomic Buster

Practiced by a famous Russian Street Wrestler, this technique is simple to execute and extremely potent. Anyone with some balls can do it. First, ask one of your wife-beating friends for help. Don't be shy, wife-beating is one of the best ways for males to bond without turning gay. After you've secured help, start the move by repeatedly punching at the air until you've charged your HYPER COMBO bar to at least level two, then lunge toward the disobedient in a slow bear hug. If your grab is successful, your partner will also grab her, at which point both of you must jump to a ridiculous height before you come spinning down with the wife at the bottom. This move is very powerful and should be used sparingly. (Save it for flagrant occasions like when she asks you to take out the garbage).

The Dragon Ball Z

Hailing from Japan, this powerful move is more bark than bite. When executed properly, it'll scare the living hell out of the wife, neighbors, passersby, and a good portion of neighborhood pets. Before engaging this technique, it is suggested you have water handy.

Begin the technique by rapidly trading blows with your wife as fast as you can. If done correctly, both your sets of hands will disappear into "speed lines" meant to designate rapid motion. Pause on separate rocks (or in mid-air if you can fly, noob), and pant like madmen. When you're done wasting your time, it's time to charge up. Open your mouth and shout out random gibberish at the top of your lungs. For the final attack, concentrate your Qi energy into the shape of a ball, then blast it from your hand at your wife's head. For more power, use both hands and shout "KAMEHAMEHA!"

It should be noted this technique, like most Japanese things, doesn't work that well unless you are Asian.

The You're Going Straight to Hell for This

This unholy technique should never ever be used except for the most dire circumstances. Involving both goatse and tubgirl, this technique is so terrible that it is, in fact, incredibly difficult to describe, other than to say that it is much like squirting water through a tire. However, that doesn't mean it isn't possible for the dedicated wife-beater.

Since I am, at best, a halfhearted wife-beater, I won't bother mentioning the full details.

What if she leaves me?

If, despite all the beating, your stupid wife continues being a pain in the ass, OJ Simpson offers some good alternative solutions.

Ha! If you have done your marital duties properly, she will be far too afraid of you to ever leave you. Because if she does, you'll make that ungrateful whore live to regret it.