Elephant Thursday
“That's some damned good lazervision, Babar!”
Elephant Thursday is the official name of every Thursday. The day is celebrated by the mandatory greeting of "Happy Elephant Thursday" to everyone and guarantees a great reward to those who strive to further extend the happiness that comes with the great day of Elephant Thursday. Those who properly celebrate and promulgate the day's greatness will be rewarded with laser vision, free eye surgery, and will be further expected to shoot planes out of the sky. Elephant Thursday's greatness transcends that of God himself.
History[edit]
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Laertes gets poisoned by his own sword, Kerrigan gets captured by the Zerg and is turned into their queen, Lightning McQueen loses the race, Professor Xavier lives, Leonard has already found and killed his wife's killer, they save Private Ryan, but they all get killed, Bucky Bucks was actually the Jew Producer and there was no prize, Daisy runs over Myrtle, leading Wilson to kill Gatsby and then himself, Charlie Brown never talks to that red-headed girl, Jason is really Superman's son, Fry goes back in time and becomes his own grandfather, Aeneas leaves Dido so she kills herself, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
The Book of Babar was written circa 55 AD. Considered to be heathens by those considered heathens (see Visigoths) by the Roman Umpire, the Babrites, those who followed the teachings of Jesus as interpreted by the greatest disciple Babar, were forced into hiding until they left the European landmass on the Mayflower in 1374. After landing in the new land of Newfoundland, the Babarites crawled out of the hull of the Mayflower and set up camp. Because they had been persecuted for years by the Visigoths, they released their anger in the cathartic manner of desolating the Native Newfoundlandian population.
In 1846, the Babarites had spread as far West as Utah under President Polk's proclamation for a continuance of Manifest Destiny. Unfortunately, in Utah, a group of Babarites drank some bad water and soon wrote the Book of Mormon, forever dooming the lost Babarites to be made fun of for believing in some scribbles on a roll of toilet paper.
Shortly thereafter the American Civil War began. Much like their Swiss ancestors, the Babarites claimed a stance of neutrality to all sides, but were quickly massacred when the New York Yankees and Dixie Chicks declared a one day armistice so that they could fight the Babarites. After 1853, no mention of the Babarites was made for nearly a century.
In 1933, Hitler declared that the Babarites were the chosen race, but no one listened. Emo-Hitler once wrote of the Babarites:
- They are the chosen
- Listen to mein words
- Else be cutting meinself
Shitler was found dead the next day. On the third day he rose again as Undead Hitler, but all he could do then was growl and moan. Although more listen to Undead Hitler than Emo-Hitler, still only fourteen people cared about what he said so his rise to power quickly ended, as did his call that the Babarites were the superior race.
Martin Luther King Jr. revived the Babarite Civil Rights Movement in the 1950s and 1960s, he was shot by Malcolm X before his dream was realized. However, his "I Have A Dream" speech on the steps of the Van Buren Memorial inspired African-Americans for decades to come.
On W.E.B. DuBois Day in 1993, Oprah Winfrey honored the late Martin Luther King by buying United States Congress and proclaiming that every Thursday would be Elephant Thursday, as the Babarites had believed since the Book of Babar was written. Since she owned all the crusty, old men in Congress, they had the choice to either agree with her or have sex with her. The legislation passed unanimously with no votes against it. The next day, Oprah Winfrey swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and went into a coma. She is yet to wake up from the coma. Rumor has it that if a prince were to give her a kiss, she would come out of the coma, but no prince wishes to kiss her so she remains comatose to this day.
And that's the story of Arbor Day.
Customs and traditions[edit]
The Babarites believe that whenever you see someone on Elephant Thursday, you must proclaim "Happy Elephant Thursday!" to them. Many have since shortened this greeting to "HET," but many fundamentalists will kill those who do such on site.
At 9 am, a minute of silence is held for Oprah because she is the reason why the day exists. Afterwards, fifty-nine minutes of celebration are held because she's in a coma. During the celebration, people engage in such activities as playing trumpets (which are said to replicate the noises which elephants can create with their trunks), elephant racing, and shooting down aerogyroes (also airplanes) using laser vision. It is rumored that illegal elephant fights are held in international waters, but there is no verification for these rumors. However, many agree that an elephant fighting a shark would be the greatest fight ever and that they would pay as much as $5 USD to see it happen.
From 10 am to noon, eyetologists perform free eye surgery that give people laser vision. The government subsidizes this work, siphoning money away from worthless ventures like public education and welfare so that people can have laser vision. After all, why would you need an education when you have laser vision?
After noon, other stuff happens, but it usually can't be remembered because the rest of the day is drowned in rum and grog. By 8 pm, approximately three-fourths of all people have forgotten what has happened to the pants they put on when the day began. By midnight, George W. Bush can be seen dancing around in women's panties.
Internationally[edit]
Because most other countries are populated by sick heathens who need to be militarily conquered and shown the light of the democratic way, Elephant Thursday is primarily unrecognized outside of the United States.
In 1430, Erik the Red led a battalion of cyborg soldiers on elephantback over the Alfs to conquer the British and teach them about Elephant Thursday, but they lost the battle when they learned that it was actually Wednesday and they had to turn back so that they wouldn't miss a new episode of Mythbusters followed by South Park.
Currently, the onl significant non-American group that recognizes Elephant Thursday is the Chechens of the southern regions of the United Socialist Soviet Republic, but they are quickly being eradicated by the Prussians who have formed an allaince with the Visigoths to wipe out all the Babarites. In recent years, Chechan Babarite extremists have engaged in many terrorist acts to fight the Commie bastards. The most destructive attack of recent years was making a milkshake using sour milk in 2003, leading to the deaths of fourteen thousand Ruskies, mostly civilains.
Reports are indicating that the Taiwanese are harboring a small sect of Babarites. Considering the fact that China is full of Reds and are attempting to claim Taiwan as their own, it is plausible that the aggression is an attempt to capture the Babarites and publicly execute them. However, there is no recognition of the day in Taiwan so at most, this is pure speculation, if not total bullshit.
Book of Babar[edit]
The Book of Babar isn't usually considered a part of the Bible because of its unorthodox style of numbering. For relatively no reason at all, the book immediately starts at chapter 3, verse 13, and ends after the following verse. Thus, the entire book reads:
- And the Lord sayeth, 'Elephant Thursday is the shizznit, bitches and hoes.' (Babar 3:13-4)
It is thought that the Roman Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, and Branch Davidian churches dismiss the Book of Babar because it totally messes up the current study of mathematics. After all, if it were accepted as the true Word of God, then the fact that both the numbers 3 and 13 are the first numbers of the number system would have to be accepted, completely messing up the yardstick industry.