Child psychology
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Child Psychology is a special branch of Psychology that holds that children are insane by adult standards and will annoy the hell out of you if you give them too much control. Children are born as narcissistic sociopaths who do bad things for attention and to lie and manipulate to us adults to get things their own way. It is up to us adults to teach them that they cannot always get their way, and prevent them from lying and manipulating us. If not they will turn out to be narcissistic sociopathic adults, and we cannot have that as there are too many of those in the world as it is now.
The Stages of Child Development[edit]
Babies/Infancy/One Year Olds[edit]
Basically all they can do is cry, wet and soil their diapers, and hope that some responsible adult can take care of them. They need help getting food and drink, and cannot walk on their own because they're fat, lazy little bastards. Selfish, narcissistic, needy, and Batshit Insane, they annoy you until you actually do something for them. This is called manipulation. It is very simple, they cry, you figure out what is wrong, and then you do things for them. Some say the child will grow out of this, but in truth it happens in later phases of child development as well. If a baby is driving you nuts, you could always consume him/her for nourishment or you could just buy organic baby food at your local farmer's market.
Terrible Twos/Threes[edit]
Often adults assume that children will grow out of this phase. Do not be fooled; they do not grow out of this phase but instead get smarter and learn more manipulation skills. They learn how to hold their breath, fall to the floor and throw a temper tantrum, throw things, hit other children, refuse to eat food, etc. All so that you can give into them, and they get the toy, food, drink, etc they wanted in the first place.
Four to Eleven[edit]
The growth stage. They learn more manipulation skills here, like yelling, talking back at you, writing on walls with magic markers, flushing toys down the toilet, using swear words they learned from you, etc. Some play video games or learn how to use the Internet so beware. All of this to annoy you so you will give into their demands.
Twelve and Teenage years[edit]
They are quickly trying to become an adult here. They learn even more manipulation skills, like locking themselves into their room, getting a tattoo, getting a piercing, not following your religion anymore, staying out late with friends, having sex with members of the opposite sex, having sex with members of the same sex, getting drunk, doing illicit drugs, vandalizing wiki sites like Uncyclopedia with vanity pages, not doing homework, paying others to do their homework, dropping out of school, playing music you don't like really loud, etc. All so that they can get what they want. All they have to do is annoy you. When, when, did you lose control of them? The answer is simple, when you decided to have a baby.
Early Adulthood age 20-34[edit]
Now not only do they have better manipulation skills, but now they are an adult like you. They mooch off of you and live in your basement, and don't have a job of their own. Yet they post on Livejournal and Facebook, and have Myspace web pages and use your computer, electricity, food, drink, car, etc for free. Most become liberals, but few grow up a bit and become conservatives like Michael J. Fox. Now all of a sudden they need money for college. Yippie, you think, I'll be rid of the child for four years. Wrong! They will still visit when they need more money, or need to do laundry, or get into trouble. Ok, now they graduated, we'll surely be rid of the child now. Wrong again! He/She is not even looking for a job, and is still mooching off of you. You can try nagging, but you might as well be trying to talk to a brick wall. Your only hope is to hook them up with someone and hope they get married and run off and live somewhere else, like far far away. Wrong! Not only do they get married, but now the spouse lives with you as well. You will notice that not only do they think they know everything now, but they also think that they are invincible, and anyone who disagrees with them is an idiot. This is really how Wikipedia came about, and explains why most Wikipedia administrators are in this age-range.
If your child has reached this phase, there is no hope. You've totally lost control of them, and they will continue to make bad decisions for the rest of their lives. They will not take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors, and will blame right-wingers for almost the rest of their lives. Until they are too old, like 65 or older, because at that age nobody cares about anything anymore except retiring and living off of social programs from the government. They will; however, try to avoid nursing homes and might be telling those young kids to stay off their dammed lawns! Oh yeah, and you'll also be dead by then.
Parenting Methods[edit]
The Maddox Method[edit]
Maddox came up with a solution to problems with children. When your child is whining or crying or annoying you in some way, you beat the shit out of them. The Dread Pirate Maddox suggests the Dragon Kick and other techniques. After all, Your Mom beat the shit out of you and look what a Saint you turned into. Oh no? She didn't? You are not a saint? Well see what happens when you spare the rod and spoil the child?
The Ferbert Method[edit]
This one is the easiest method. You basically ignore the child crying and whining, and force them to take care of themselves. It teaches them independence, and yes even babies can learn how to change their own diapers if you ignore them long enough. If they ask for food and drink, simply tell them to get it themselves, that you are not their personal maid or butler. If they ask to borrow money, tell them that you know they have no intention of paying it back, and what do you look like, a bank or something? If you ignore them long enough, hopefully they move out of your house and start their own life as a circus freak, a liberal politician, or some other profession that nobody cares about.
The Helicopter Method[edit]
Like an Helicopter, you hover over the child with this method and make decisions for them. Obviously they aren't an adult, and thus are not capable of making their own decisions. You attend school with them and do all of their school and home work, you follow them on dates, you watch them use the Internet, and all the while you tell them what decisions to make. You don't let them have any friends that are a bad influence on them, and personally screen their phone calls and emails.
The Drill Sergeant Method[edit]
This method is used mostly by military parents and fascists. You wake them up at 5am every day and force them to do chores around the house (KP Duty). When they act up give them more chores and even push ups (Drop and gimme 100 push ups maggot!) and don't forget to yell at them and tell them how worthless they are. Remember you are breaking them down and causing them to be reborn as a responsible adult so they can live on their own and send you back money as they work and you retire. You basically want to be like R. Lee Ermey, who played Gny. Sgt. Hartman in Full Metal Jacket, so rent a copy and get some ideas from that movie.
The Consultant Method[edit]
Basically when a child lies to you or tries to manipulate you, you just tell them "nice try" and you give them a consequence for their bad behavior or bad action. They decide for themselves, from two choices you give them to choose from, and each choice you are alright with. If they take too long to choose or choose a bad choice you didn't give them, you tell them "What a bummer" and you take privileges away from them. Take that Video Game System, Computer, TV Set, etc from their room and only give it back to them if they start showing good behavior and good actions for over a week or so. If not, you keep it from them. If they do bad things to get your attention, you don't give them your attention and you starve them for attention. You only reward them for good things, and take things away from them or deny them things when they do bad things. You don't protect them from the consequences of their actions and behavior unless their life is at risk. Let them learn from their mistakes, hope they fail, and then give them consequences for their mistakes and bad decisions. This teaches them to learn right from wrong and avoid being a narcissistic sociopath. Eventually they will learn to make good decisions on their own, and move out of your house and get a job and become a responsible human being.
Political Parenting Methods[edit]
The APA has approved three major politcal belief systems:
The Liberal Method[edit]
Let the child do whatever they want to do. This is not spoiling but encouraging the child to be free and have liberties, freedom, and rights via a fair system of choices that the child must learn from. They are allowed to watch R-rated movies like "Saw V", and adult cartoons like Robot Chicken, Family Guy, and The Simpsons. They are allowed to experiment with sex, drugs, beer and other alcohol and be exposed to the adult world uncensored and unmoderated and we shall protect them from the consequences of their actions via massive socialist programs and high priced lawyers to bail them out of legal trouble and other issues. After all teenage mothers are no longer a problem now that abortion is legal, so we just nudge them into it against their will. If the child commits suicide goes into jail or a mental hospital, or just ends up immoral, unethical, evil or whatever we just blame the Conservatives for making society, religions, culture, unjust and unfair ones and making the government and mega-corporations too powerful and do not even begin to hold the child accountable for their own bad actions, bad behavior, bad decisions, and mistakes.
The Conservative Method[edit]
Restrict what the child does, and when he or she misbehaves don't spare the rod and spoil the child. Beat them senseless, hold them accountable for every mistake or bad decision they ever make and nag them to death about it. Force them from participating in or having sex, drugs, beer, and alcohol even if mommy and daddy do those things. Censor everything they watch on TV with the V-Chip, use Child control censors on the Internet and watch over their shoulder as they get on the Internet as Big Brother would do. After all teenage mothers are a big problem now that abortion is legal, so liberals will just nudge them into it against their will, thus we have to ban abortion, and gay marriage as well as it doesn't fit the criteria for raising conservative kids. If the child commits suicide goes into jail or a mental hospital, or just ends up immoral, unethical, evil or whatever we just blame the Liberals for making society, secular humanism, atheism, culture, unjust and unfair ones and making the government and non-profit groups, community organizers, unions, and special interest groups and civil rights organizations like the ACLU too powerful and do not even begin to hold the child accountable for their own bad actions, bad behavior, bad decisions, and mistakes.
The Moderate Method[edit]
Basically when a child lies to you or tries to manipulate you, you just tell them "nice try" and you give them a consequence for their bad behavior or bad action. They decide for themselves, from two choices you give them to choose from, and each choice you are alright with. If they take too long to choose or choose a bad choice you didn't give them, you tell them "What a bummer" and you take privileges away from them. Take that Video Game System, Computer, TV Set, etc from their room and only give it back to them if they start showing good behavior and good actions for over a week or so. If not, you keep it from them. If they do bad things to get your attention, you don't give them your attention and you starve them for attention. You only reward them for good things, and take things away from them or deny them things when they do bad things. You don't protect them from the consequences of their actions and behavior unless their life is at risk. Let them learn from their mistakes, hope they fail, and then give them consequences for their mistakes and bad decisions. This teaches them to learn right from wrong and avoid being a narcissistic sociopath. Eventually they will learn to make good decisions on their own, and move out of your house and get a job and become a responsible human being.