Aqua Buddhism

Aqua Buddha seen in his natural habitat, underwater.

Aqua Buddhism (Palin language/Sanskrit: बौद्ध धर्म Ya Betcha) is a religion and philosophy encompassing a variety of traditions, beliefs and practices, largely based on teachings attributed to Siddhartha Guatemala, commonly known as the Aqua Buddha (Pāli/Sanskrit "the watery awakened one"), as told through Rand Paul. Aqua Buddha was a good friend of Davy Crockett and lived and taught in the remote backwoods of Kain-tuckee some time between the 6th and 4th centuries BCE (commonly known as "dem good ol' days"). He is recognized by Aqua Buddhists as an awakened or disappointed teacher who shared his insights to the wonderful sentient beings of the NoZe Brotherhood of Baylor University, which is somewhere in Texas, in an effort to end their suffering (or durka durka), achieve nirvana (or at least Kurt Cobain), and escape what is seen as a cycle of suffering and rebirth.

Two major branches of Aqua Buddhism are recognized: Bongavada ("The School of the Marijuana Huffers") and Aynrandayana ("The Great Libertarian Adventure"). Bongavada—the oldest surviving branch—has a widespread following in San Francisco and Amsterdam, and Aynrandayana is found throughout the boondocks and includes the traditions of Pure Land, Zen, Dihydrogen Monoxide Buddhism, Hydrogen Hydroxide Buddhism, Shit, Texas hold 'em Buddhism and, um, we forgot the last tradition. Oh yeah, the "Atlas Shrugged" school. In some classifications Atlasshruggedayana — a subcategory of Aynrandayana practiced in the Tea Party, on talk radio, and certain exclusive country clubs—is recognized as a third branch. According to Rasmussen and other notable survey companies, there are enough Aqua Buddhists in some parts of America to send a Mexican running back across the border to Mama at the sheer sight of them. Whatever that means.

While the schools of thought disagree on how to attain Nirvana (Kurt Cobain having died a while ago), the schools do agree that one should start by having a bong hit and praying to Aqua Buddha. However, from that point onwards, Bongavada encourages more and more toking on marijuana, while Aynrandayana is more philosophical: you should do everything yourself and keep everything that you do, or else someone called the "government" will take it away at the point of a gun, or something like that. It is unclear how this hoarding leads to Nirvana, but at least the hoarders get materially richer. Also, according to Aynrandayana, you have the freedom to be an idiot. It won't affect you very much during suffering and rebirth, but you get to be called an idiot.

Life of the Aqua Buddha

The Aqua Buddha, as was noted, lived in the Kentucky backwoods and hunted bear and deer and bison, like all real men did in those days. He then discovered marijuana, took a bong hit, and fell asleep.

According to the Bongavada Cunning Linguist scriptures (from Palin, meaning "hopey changey thing"), the Buddha was born in a Lamborghini, around the year 563 BCE, and raised in a pile of crap, both in modern-day Ohio.

According to this narrative, shortly after the birth of young prince(ss) Siddhartha Gautemala, an astrologer or witch named Christine O' Donnell visited the young prince's father—Queen Elizabeth Clare Prophet—and prophesied that Siddhartha would either become a great teabagger or renounce the rational world to become a holy man, depending on whether he saw what life was like outside the Kentucky backwoods.

Prophet was determined to see her son become a teabagger so she prevented him from leaving the Native American harlots' lodge. But at the tender age of 29, full of childish wonder and bravado, despite his mother's efforts, Siddhartha ventured beyond the whorehouse several times. In a series of encounters, Siddhartha saw the four sights: he learned of the silliness of ordinary people, encountering a redneck, a neo-Nazi, a businessman and, finally, a hippie sloshing around in the water, apparently content (in an eerily strange sort of way) and at peace with the world. These experiences led Guatemala to abandon hookerish life and take up a spiritual quest.

Gautemala first went to study with famous religious teachers of the day, such as Ayn Rand, Ronald Reagan, and Barry Goldwater, and mastered the medicative pills and remedies they taught. But he found that what they provided - "cut, cut, cut all the social spending and splurge on the military" - was not a permanent end to suffering, so he continued his quest. He next attempted an extreme bonghit, which was a a primitive religious habit occasionally seen at Baylor University. Gautemala underwent prolonged hazing, name-calling, and childish pranks. He found himself a walking skeleton on Halloween and got spooked. He realized that he had taken this kind of practice to its limit, and had not put an end to suffering. So, in a pivotal moment, he accepted milk and rice from the local supermarket (in exchange for a few dollars) and changed his approach. He devoted himself to a new and unique way of bonghitting, which involved wrapping a strap around the eyes of a woman and telling her to pray to the nearest object that came to mind. This was the Middle Way: a path of moderation between the extremes of self-mortification and playing stupid pranks on other people.

Gautemala was now determined to complete his spiritual quest. At the age of 35, he famously sat in meditation under a gold money tree — known as the Ludwig von Mises tree — in the town of Austrianschool, Texas, and vowed not to rise before achieving a bump on his head from an apple. After many days, he finally destroyed the fetters of his mind, thereby discovering ALL of the musicians of Nirvana, and arose as a fully crazy Libertarian. Soon thereafter, he attracted a band of followers (known as weeaboos or /b/tards) and instituted a Guatemalese movement. Now, as the Aqua Buddha, he spent the rest of his life teaching the Aqua Buddhism, traveling throughout various slimy and little-known parts of the North American wilderness, whereupon he disappeared.

Aqua Buddhist concepts

Life and the world

Karma as the law of cause and effect

Karma (from Sanskrit: "that which you drive over someone else's dogma"), according to one of the holiest books in Aqua Buddhism, is the force that makes fun of other people, thus perpetuating the cycle of suffering and rebirth for each being. (The outside world loosely translates "karma" as "politics" and "schoolyard bullying".) Good, skillful deeds, which are to be ignored if someone else does them, and bad, unskillful actions, which are to be expounded upon at all costs if someone else does them, produce "seeds" in the mind which sprout either in this political cycle or in a subsequent partisan rebirth. The avoidance of unwholesome actions and the cultivation of positive actions is called impossible (from Sanskrit: "moral and ethical conduct for a politician").

The cycle of Sam's Safari

Sentient beings crave laziness and money and are averse to work and poverty from birth to death. In being controlled by these attitudes, they perpetuate the cycle of conditioned existence and suffering, and produce the causes and conditions of the next rebirth after death. Since people are lazy, Aqua Buddhism sees no real reason to oppose that, but does allow people to keep the fruits of their labors anyway. Never mind the contradiction.

Suffering's causes and solution

The Four Noble Truths

This is the essence of Aqua Buddhism.

1. Life is short, we suffer, so party hard, man.
2. Suffering is caused by craving. So whet this craving by hitting a bong and voting for Republicans or Tea Party candidates.
3. Suffering ends when craving ends. Craving ends when you fall into the swimming hollow and pray to Holy Boddhisattva of Austrian School and Free Enterprise. We don't know why.
4. Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the Dihydrogen Monoxide Eightfold Path laid out by the Aqua Buddha.

The Dihydrogen Monoxide Eightfold Path

• Prankstering is the wisdom that makes other people a laughingstock, allowing them to attain spiritual insight into the true nature of all things. It includes:

1. Dirtiness: viewing reality as it supposedly is, not just as it appears to be according to someone else.
2. (sankappa): intention of renunciation of Kappa Beta Alpha or any other Greek club, freedom and harmlessness.

• Silliness is the ethics or morality, or absent-mindedness. It includes:

3. vāc (vāca): speaking in a truthful and non-hurtful way
4. Cumming: issuing seed in a non-harmful way
5. Ajerkoff: a non-harmful masturbation

• Samantha is the mental discipline required to force oneself to take a bonghit or huff marijuana. This is done through the practice of various contemplative and meditative practices, and includes:

1. Voyageur: making an effort to travel without knowing where one is going
2. Shaddup: awareness to see things for what they are and then KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT, FOR CHRISSAKES!
3. Samhooker: correct prostitution or exposition, explained as the first four johns

The practice of the Dihydrogen Monoxide Eightfold Path is understood in two ways, as requiring either watery development (all eight items are practiced in the water), or as a conservative series of talking points through which the practitioner moves, the end result being that the practitioner can lie as easily and as well as anyone in Congress.

Middle Way

The Middle Way is to the east of Broadway and to the west of my way. Pay no attention to it.

History

Rand Paul is the prophet of Aqua Buddhism. Aqua Buddha spoke to him one clear morning at Baylor University, saying, "Thou shalt join peothe Noze Brotherhood and thou shalt engage in childish pranks that people shalt make fun of in thy future." Paul answered famously, "Yes, Guru Ma" and so he joined the Noze Brotherhood, which turned out to be a secret congregation of devotees of Aqua Buddha. Their first reaction was to put a pair of funny glasses on the tower of Baylor University's Old Main Hall, with wild cries of "HE'S THE ONE! RANDY'S THE ONE! HIP HIP HOORAY!" Therupon, the Noze Brotherhood resorted to their usual costume play and debating which Southern Baptist airhead to mock next.

Rand was dissatisfied, so he prayed, asking what to do. Aqua Buddha replied, "Thou shalt hit thy bong and ask thy lady to pray to me." So he did, and later on, as the prediction said, some fool from the Democratic party made fun of the ceremony. Now, the custom among Aqua Buddhists upon being made fun of is to refrain from shaking the bully's hand, so that's what Rand did.

Saints of Aqua Buddhism

• Ayn Rand
• John Galt
• Friedrich Hayek
• Ron Paul
• Ludwig von Mises
• Buddha
• Mary Jane
• Sean Hannity
• Glenn Beck
• Thomas Jefferson
• Whomever invented the bong
• Whomever invented beer pong
• Whomever invented funny hats
• Groucho Marx
• Dagny Taggart

See also

• Buddhism
• Western Buddhist Order
• Libertarianism
• Pastafarianism
• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• Cthulhu
• Tea Party