Baylor University

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“In Soviet Russia, bear sicks YOU!”

~ Vladimir Lenin on Baylor University

Baylor Bible Kollege of Knowledge
Baylor logo.png
Motto Pro Nudista, Pro Shiner Bock-a.
Established 1845
School type Better Than Yours
Head Less job security than a leader of Thailand
Location Waco, Texas, USA
Campus Flowery with lots of grass
Enrollment 11,831 undergraduate
2,055 graduate
Endowment Three inches
Faculty Completely irrelevant to the university administration
Mascot Man-Bear-Pig

Chartered in 1845 by the Republic of Texas and affiliated with the Baptist General Convention of Texas, Baylor University is the oldest institution of higher learning in the state and the largest Baptist university in the world. In the heart of campus are our two bears, Gjertën Painhammer and Deathwind Goldschläger, who protect the campus when the freshmen and God cannot. These bears are allowed to run loose at night and rip anything maroon they see to bits and pieces. Furthermore, Baylor's Vision 2012/2015/2096? is catapulting it into Tier 1 status.[1] One such honor was recently given by Joseph Bottum of First Things, who recently nominated the school as a place where "the light is dying."

Student Population[edit]

While remaining partially true to its heritage and striving to tear down all the old crusty buildings on campus that contain any shred of actual character, Baylor has grown to almost 14,000 students. Its barely recognized academic divisions provide 146 baccalaureate degree programs at the undergraduate level, none of which actually have to do with Vision 2012. As a result, Vision 2012 seeks to charge these record-breaking numbers of students with as high a tuition as possible, therefore allowing only society's elite to come to the school.

Recent additions to the application will label students in two categories: "A" and "B." Category "A" students will be labeled as such by parents' membership in such outstanding organizations as fraternity alumni associations, the Junior League, or the Baylor Bear Foundation, whose automobile sticker will be able to double as a parking pass for "A" students when they feel like parking in visitor slots. "A" students also include athletes, who will have the added bonus of registering before everyone else for compelling classes such as Rest and Relaxation and Swahili. Category "B" students only got in because of various scholarships or because some professor Bobby Sloan disliked during his tenure as university president thought they might do well here. They will eventually be priced out after Baylor completes more buildings in its 2012 quest to be like Hogwarts with Jesus.

Academics, Sort Of[edit]

The University also offers 73 masters and 22 doctoral programs, two educational specialists, bachelors of science in matrimonial residency services (also known as the MRS Degree--Baylor's only program to reach Tier One status), juris doctor, master of divinity and doctor of ministry. The 735-acre campus is located on the banks of the Brazos River in Waco, Texas, a speck on the map of 200,000 people that many "A" students look at in disgust.

Baylor University is located in the heart of Waco's ghetto, but most students try to ignore this fact by either drinking into oblivion, going to a bigger city like Dallas or Austin on the weekend, going home to Mommy and Daddy often or going to Common Grounds and pretending they're in Austin. Waco has many wonderful cultural opportunities, such as cow tipping, feeding Aggies to the bears, getting plastered at Scruff's, joining a cult out of Mt. Carmel, or wrecking a canoe in the Brazos and having the water slowly melt your skin.

In accordance with Vision 2034, useful majors such as Forensic Science are slowly being phased out in favor of subjects that are easier to research so that professors will be able to publish more material in a short amount of time. Consequently, Fall 2007 marks the beginning of such exciting majors as "Staying in the Closet" and "Aggie Hunting." Even Church-State Studies, which keeps attempting to shut itself down, is offering a new graduate sub-field: "Blogging for Dummies."


Baylor University's sports teams are rivaled by none. They have won National Championships in all sports a minimum of seven times (including women's curling). Most notably, Baylor's football team has led the NCAA into a new age of Christian domination and an altogether higher state of athletics that some compare to the Rapture. Quarterback Robert Griffin III is, in fact, the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Student Activities[edit]

Although Greek life has always been a staple of Baylor students' extracurricular activities, there are plenty of other organizations that exist to show that you're better than everyone else. Baylor students are members of honor societies, cheese-tasting clubs, and vertical calisthenics (read: not dancing) groups as well.

Baylor is full of traditions and events. Life on campus is usually dull, but slightly off campus, the beer flows like wine and the wine flows from a box. Major events of the year include Drunkcoming, Drunk Break, Diadelborracho and I'm Not a Baptist So This Weekend is Okay. Many organizations hold their own events to keep their members busy as well. For example, the Penland Faith and Learning Action Group holds its annual PFLAG Come to Jesus Dr Pepper Hour on the grounds of Fountain Mall, which is one of the biggest events that GDIs are allowed to attend.

Contact Information[edit]

For a good time, call 254-710-2222. Our inept DPS man Dim Joke needs love, too.


  1. Clarification: Baylor is currently labelled "Tier 1" in only Religious Nutcase Magazine and Kung Fu Review. U.S. News and World Report, the publication everyone in American academia hopes to impress, will never let us into the top fifty because they hate Jesus, and Jesus hates them back.