Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/August 5

August 5: Mysterious Woody at the Mall Day

• 1239 - Pietro da Morrone becomes a hermit and invents solitaire despite not having any playing cards.
• 1504 - Leonardo da Vinci creates a map of the defenses of the city of Imola for Cesare Borgia, who proudly shows it to all his neighboring rulers. Leonardo's facepalm is heard throughout the Italian peninsula.
• 1812 - Famed time traveller Woody Harrelson goes back in time to bring the idea of the mall to the past.
• 1924 - The comic strip Little Orphan Annie debuts. (pictured) Woody Allen gets his nickname after reading the comic strip and starts stalking little girls without eyeballs.
• 1925 - The first cheese slicer is invented in Norway, adapted from Viking torture devices.
• 1940 - Joseph Stalin is caught with a woody at the mall. Later that evening, twelve million peasants are killed.
• 1955 - Carmen Miranda dies; shares of United Fruit decline 20% in heavy trading.
• 1962 - Film actress and sex icon Marilyn Monroe is found dead in her Los Angeles home, apparently having overdosed on sleeping pills. Teenaged males everywhere declare an International Day of No Masturbation to mourn her passing.
• 1980 - Woody Allen appears mysteriously at Detroit strip mall, but is disappointed to find that the Big Boy doesn't offer kosher meals.
• 1984 - Toronto Blue Jay's player Cliff Johnson gets good wood.
• 1992 - The Alice in Chains song Wood? is heard in every mall in North America.
• 1994 - Viagra hires Woody Woodpecker as their spokesman.
• 2000 - Academy Award winning actor Sir Alec Guiness dies at the age of 86. Or at least, it is assumed he died, since all that is found is an empty robe and a lightsaber.