UnNews:President Ebola springs into action

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10 October 2014

Like Magic Johnson, the President has become a "spokesman for the virus."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. President has announced new policy against the current global pandemic, and White House spokesman "Josh" "Earnest" stressed that it did not take either a murdered Ambassador or beheaded Americans with gory YouTube videos to prompt the Chief Executive to action, this time — only a national election next month.

Barack Ebola announced that fliers showing symptoms of the usually fatal epidemic will be isolated and tested — after they arrive in America following their ten-hour-long close encounter with 500 other squirming and sweating passengers. Africans not wishing to undergo this regimen should fly into Boston or any other city than the five with the new screening.

Secretary of State John Kerry and the head of the Center for Disease Control (CDC) have stressed that the best way to combat the pandemic is to leave America's borders wide open. Encouraging the virus to mutate inside the United States, they explained, will ensure that the CDC can monitor the mutations and devise excellent contingency plans, new funding programs, and crises that will "not be let go to waste." Already Congress has set aside $750,000,000 to fight Ebola, some of it saved from the war against al-Qaeda, which President Ebola aboard Seal Team Six personally won just before ISIS emerged.

This is science's first view of the Ebola virus — Either that, or a week ago Tuesday's breakfast that I left in the lunchroom in case anyone wanted it.

President Ebola himself stated that he "was confident the U.S. could prevent an outbreak," adding that "we don't have a lot of margin for error." Journalists tried to ask the President how he could have such confidence when something could violate that margin of error, but Mr. Ebola was already late for a tee time.

Health officials stressed that the virus is only spread by personal contact. So all Americans have to do to cope with the gaping border is never shake hands or get sneezed on, especially while waiting in a long line for an airplane toilet because other passengers have been in there forever, vomiting. However, no one should refuse to shake hands with a person because he seems to be black and thus potentially African. Jesse Jackson has already complained that Thomas Duncan, the infected Liberian who snuck into the U.S. and died, didn't get good health care for free because all whites hate all blacks; and MSNBC has explained that, since Liberia was set up by American activists in 1820 for freed slaves, all its sickness and poverty is "our fault."

Speaking of minorities, a minority of doctors claimed that the lack of cases of casual contagion doesn't mean we know it can't happen. But surely, they are part of the alarmist Tea Party movement and the IRS is already auditing their tax returns.

Sources[edit]

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