UnNews:Obama marries Kevin Federline

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 07:25:59 (UTC)

4 August 2008

The crappily married couple.

WASHINGTON, DC -- The nation was shocked, stunned, and horrified when, after Sen. John McCain compared Sen. Barack Obama to talented pop starlet Britney Spears and nobody Paris Hilton, Obama did something that Britney did, in fact, do.

On July 31, 2008, Sen. Barack Obama said "I do!" to pedophilic rapper Kevin Federline. Nobody is exactly sure why he did this -- or whether or not it's legal, considering he's already married, to a woman. But he said in a recent press conference:

“

If Sen. McCain is going to compare me to Britney Spears, I might as well do something that Britney Spears has done. And since I didn't want to go through the humiliating ordeal of rehab, and since I know nothing about music, I thought I'd give this a try.

My original plan was to kiss Madonna during one of her live performances, but neither my wife nor A-Rod were up for it. It took me a hell of a long time to find the right thing to borrow from Britney, and -- even though I loathe K-Fed as much as the rest of the world -- I guess this will have to do until Sen. McCain can start comparing me to men rather than women.

”

Sen. McCain declined to comment for this story, except to say "Go eat shit fuckers!"

The marriage of Obama and Federline is just another devastating blow in an already historic election that saw the rise and fall of such candidates as Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani, Josh Server, Zordon, Mitt Romney, former First Lady Hillary Clinton, and even a dog! Nobody ever expected McCain and Obama to stay in the race, but the future of both candidates remains uncertain. A political expert, who asked to remain anonymous, predicts that "Ross Perot might reign supreme in this election. And when he does, Josh 'Earboy' Server will be the veep."

However, Obama says he won't back down. "I came here to win," he says. "And win I must... or else I'll prevent The Dark Knight from making any more money."

The historic election will take place November 4, 2008. President Bush is not expected to win.