Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July 31

July 31: Feast of St. Leslie Nielsen

• 118 - The wheelbarrow is invented in China even though its use in Jackass-style videos would not be realized until the 2000s.
• 781 - The oldest recorded eruption of noted volcano Mt. Fuji occurs, raining the Japanese countryside with scorched lenses and bits of charred film.
• 1498 - Christopher Columbus, on his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, still refuses to ask for directions to India.
• 1577 - Newspapers are invented. No longer are two strong men required to throw town criers onto people's doorsteps.
• 1588 - The Spanish Armada is spotted off of England; very few were expecting said Inquisition.
• 1829 - Andrew Jackson invents baloney by instituting the spoils system of government.
• 1919 - Germany's Weimar Constitution and Other Fables is penned.
• 1921 - The International Astronomical and Astrological Society dubs Gemini to be the most revered of all constellations. (pictured)
• 1947 - Leslie Nielsen pushes Richard Widmark in a wheelchair with O.J. Simpson sitting on Widmark's lap down a flight of stairs in the film Kiss of Death.
• 1948 - Jingo Grand Championship: India headbutts the UK negating its win of 1858. Mahatma Gandhi is named player of the year and becomes the first to claim "I'm going to Disney World".
• 1956 - Leslie Nielsen is canonized for his miraculous quick draw in vaporizing an attacking tiger and also stealing the girl away from his men on the planet Altair IV, named for the personal computer.
• 1992 - Harry Potter is born and proves to be a whizzer from the start.
• 3491 - Third Robot invasion of U.S. capital Grand Forks, North Dakota is repelled by soldiers under the leadership of Mecha-President George Bush XXVI.