UnNews:New York restaurants to go childless by 2010

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10 March 2007

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Future Hooligan
Not in my restaurant!

NEW YORK, New York -- After the recent successful bans on smoking and trans fats, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has decided to go for the tri-fecta of restaurant annoyances and ban all children under the age of 13 from New York city eateries. The announcement has sparked debate around the country, but mostly New York and L.A. because the rest of the nation couldn't give a rat's ass about their self-centered, pseudo-intellectual bullshit. Hosts Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira of the Today Show had this on-air exchange about the ban.

Lauer - "Now Meredith, I know you like to eat out with your husband a lot, but you've been known to go ape-shit on people who can't control their crotch droppings while you're trying to enjoy your gourmet cuisine."

Vieira - "Matt, you ignorant slut, you're thinking of your former co-anchor and succubus Katie Couric, and if I ever hear you call the future of our nation, the children of upper Manhattan, cause let's face it the rest of this backward state's fuck trophies will be lucky to get jobs busing tables at Denny's. Anyway, if you call these children, crotch droppings, crotchfruit, Yuppie larva or if you refer to the unborn as parasites then I'm going to have to out..."

Quickly both mike's were cut and NBC stations went to a Chuckie Cheese commercial.

McDonalds Vice President Mayor McCheese was furious when reached for comment. "How does the world's premiere restaurant survive without the retreads that come in here bringing their cherished little brats? You think Happy Meals sell themselves? You think we'll get 35 year olds playing in our indoor disease ridden play areas? We're fucked!"

Dave Chappelle had this to say, "Bloomberg is fucking up!"

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