UnNews:Gigantic iceberg threatens
| The news outlet with approval higher than Congress | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Wednesday, December 4, 2024, 06:02:59 (UTC) |
| Gigantic iceberg threatens | 
|
7 July 2017
WEDDELL SEA, Antarctica -- A huge section of Larsen Ice Shelf C threatens to break away from Antarctica, predicted to happen in "a matter of days". As an iceberg, it plans to head north in solidarity with Great Britain and its Brexit plan. Much like the UK, it plans to limit immigration by seals and killer whales. Unlike the UK, the future iceberg has trade agreements nearly in place with 18 countries.
Scientists continue to argue over the size and cause of the huge crack that threatens to create an iceberg the size of Delaware. Some scientists theorize it will be the size of Luxembourg, while others are using the scientific term gigantomundo. While many scientists are blaming global warming as the cause, others are not so sure. "When Ice Shelves A and B broke up several years ago, we suspected Ice Shelf C would want to follow the crowd and be like the real cool ice shelves. So immature." said Roald Dahl Amundsen, Professor of Ice Studies at Miskatonic University.
Prof. Robert de Nyre of Faber College thinks the breakaway is a hoax. "It’s Photoshop. Anyone can tell that. How they got a photographer inside of a 7-11 icebox is the real mystery."
Speaking to reporters via satellite link connected to a tracking tag embedded in her head, the Majority Leader of the Upper House of Penguins, the Hon. Rose DeWitt Floater, stated firmly, "About time, innit? Listen man, we been workin' at this for years now. We're done wiv science geezers sneakin' round our nests, tourists snappin' pics for Instablog, yeah. An' that Morgan Freeman bloke narratin' gets old, man."
However, her tone turned hopeful when she said, "Yeah, heard of a coupla good chip shops up Brighton way. It don’t get no better, man. All about the beach an' the fish, innit?"
UK Prime Minister Theresa May immediately requested Thunderbirds Rescue to accompany the iceberg in case of any difficulty. "Thunderbird 2 should be sufficient. Straight and steady, o iceberg!" Under the impression that the iceberg would add thousands of square miles of territory to England, and that penguins had conservative leanings, May is rushing through a bill giving penguins the vote.
Tory Shadow Minister for Beaches Neil B. Fourmi worried about an influx of immigrants demanding vast quantities of fish. Minority party members noted that the Conservatives would probably be out of power by the time the iceberg arrived in 8 years. They also pointed out that the iceberg would then be the size of a standard kitchen table. These comments were shouted down with jeering and hoots of derision, the latter from owls left behind from the shooting of a Harry Potter film.
Beloved children’s TV icon and chips fryer Gordon Ramsay noted that his children think penguins are cute and that the birds would provide a major taste experience for diners. Ramsey advised, "The best way is to chuck them kicking and screaming into the oven and lay abuse on them only after the door is closed. Crackle, crackle, add creamed spinach and a spud – done and done."
The navy of Togo offered its assistance "as soon as a boat could be purchased on eBay". A ship from the Somali Pilots Yachting Club is also on its way. Kim Jong-Un of North Korea is sending "12 aircraft carriers, 18 cruisers, 287 destroyers, all equipped with nukes."
Neither entertainer Ice Cube nor The Titanic Movie Survivors Association could be reached for comment by press time.
Sources[edit]
- Chris Mooney "A trillion-ton iceberg the size of Delaware is about to break off Antarctica". Washington Post, July 5, 2017