UnBooks:God's Guide to Parenting

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The novel God's Guide to Parenting is also available in paperback.

“They fuck you up, your parents.”

~ Phillip Larkin

“Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother, for I am both.”

~ God on one of the ten commandments

Hi, hello and welcome! A big and hearty thank thee for downloading this Parenting Guide, By God! This wonderful Guide is based on My best-selling Book, The Holy Bible (God the Father, Son, & Holy Ghost et al., 2000 B.C.E., Heaven: Cherumbim & Seraphim Publishers, revised edition), which thou mayst purchase for just a few dollars at thy favourite bookstore!!! Get thine today - it's packed with wonderful child-rearing tips, dietary advice, prophecy, fiction, bigotry and much, much more! All Prophets go to the Profits Fund! Buy YOURS NOW!! For every $10 you spend, $1 goes towards the gift of a better-than-ever Paradise © Cloud-and-Harp Set' ®™ for disadvantaged Angels.

The Bible hath been translated into 700 different languages, which is why it is sometimes referred to as the Babel.

A Word of warning: some so-called Holy Books have been circulating in recent millenia. THEY ART FORGERIES,SCAMS AND SPAM!!! My only Authorised Word is the Christian Bible. All other alleged Holy Scriptures were written by False Profits and carry dangerous Viruses. If you receive copies of the following, do not open them!!!!! Al-Qu'ran, the Hebrew Talmud, the Bagavad Gita, the Vedas, the Sutras, the Book of Mormon, the Guru Granth Sahib, the Kojiki, the Tao-ti-ching, the Katha and Avesta. Any messages from Charles Darwin, Richard Dawkins, Ted Andrews, Melody or Edgar Cayce should be burned immediately in the interests of natural selectivity. And please warn thy children, so they canst learn to be as intolerant as thou.

In the beginning[edit]

I, the LORD thy God, take great pleasure in sharing with thee My millions of years' experience in parenting. Dost thou feel, like Me, that parenting is a never-ending duty that will go on for ever and ever, Amen, and that thou wilt SMITE thine children soon? Then read on!

This Guide is based on Mine own experiments, since I never had a parent from whom to learn. I am a Self-made God, an only child (except for My Son, who is Me anyway), and I created the three of Me as a Trinity, in My own image or several images. Don't ask how I could have created Myselves in My own image or images unless I first had an image (or three? and one of thee) of Myself to copy Myselves from, and do not ask where that first, second and third images of Myself or Myselves came from, or the one before the first one (which is the second), or the one before that (which is the third - or is it the first?) and so on ad infinitem. Just remember that thou shalt have but one God, but that I have imaginary friends.

Before We start, let Us pray.

Dear Me, Father of all Creation, help Me to Guide My Children in the fear of Me. May My Children remain faithful and obedient to Me, always dependent and never asking questions, but worshipping Me in unquestioning adoration, for ever and ever or until they friggin rot, Amen.

The Book of Genesis, or the Creation[edit]

1. Before thou hast children, must thou create them. This is the part that thou enjoyest most. If thou art male, it helps to be omnipotent, even as I am. Then canst thou enjoy thyself for six whole days, resting only on the seventh. This is called the Big Bang, or Genesis. But because thou art only human, nay, sometimes even impotent, it shall come (or not - heh heh) to pass that thou shalt have between five seconds and an hour to enjoy the creation.

2. As for women, after conception shalt thou spend the next forty weeks and forty weekends feeling nauseous, exhausted, kicked in the gut, and unable to put thine increasingly heavy burden down. And in the fortieth week shalt thou cry loudly unto Heaven,

"The snares of death compass me round about, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me!"

3. And thou shalt wish thou hadst never been born, and thou shalt dwell in the land of Ob-Stetrics, and the Forceps shall be visited upon thee.

4. And after eight-and-forty hours of labour shalt thou be delivered. And it shall come to pass that thou shalt be even worse off, for thou shalt have a screaming Demon demanding food and making a bad smell for nine months, yea, even for nineteen years. And there shall be no help for thee.

5. And thou men, thou shalt try to father children by another man's woman, then blame it on the Angel Gabriel, even as I did with Mary and Joseph. Whatever happens, thou shalt avoid taking responsibility until the child is grown up. Verily, verily, I say unto thee, not a nappy shalt thou change, not a tot shalt thou bottle.

6. But since thou men art unable to reproduce without women, I will allow them to exist for thy pleasure and procreation, and to clean thine house and cook for thee. But fear not. Has The LORD not provided Kentuckistan Fried Chicken and Beer for thee alone? Watch thou this space for My new software program, Parthenogenesis for Men. Take reproductive power away from thine woman! Only $99.99.

Suffer the little children

7. Thou shalt not kidded by the apparent innocence of infants, for they are full of Original Sin. It is not for nothing that a gathering of cupids is called a 'concupiscence'. Thou adults are but putti in their tiny hands. But I, the LORD thy God, am exceeding fierce with small children. If the Original (and Unoriginal) Sin of thine infants offend thee, pray thou to Me and I shall come down and smite the lot, even as I did unto the firstborns of the Egyptians.

8. Nevertheless, thou art doing well enough on thine own, beating, torturing and killing many millions of children every year.

Here endeth the First Lesson. Let Us begin Lesson Two.

The Book of Favouritism[edit]

1. Favouritism and jealousy are essential tools for controlling thine children.

2. First, allow some child to think he is the Favourite. There shouldst be no difficulty. In My unlimited experience, most people need no encouragement whatsoever to believe they have found the One Way to be the only one to sit on Daddy's lap. From there it's an easy step to believing their Brothers and Sisters are inferior and wrong, and therefore Unrighteous. And verily, verily, shalt thou smite the Unrighteous amongst thee.

3. Note the cleverness with which I played favouritism with the Hebrews. First I told them they were My Chosen People. Then I made the Romans scatter them to the four corners of the earth. (Didst thou know that the earth is not round? True - Pie are round, Earth are square. Or do I mean Pie are square, Earth are round? Damnation and Hell's Teeth, I must check My Omnicience Files.)

4. Then persecuted I the Jews, very Gentilely, for millennia. The game soon became Nasty, then Nazier and finally very Nazi indeed. Then I sent them back to Israel from whence they persecute the Palestinians mercilessly. My Chosen People have truly learned from Me.

5. Thou canst foment resentment and hatred amongst thine children nearly as effectively as I do. Consider thou Cain and Abel. Cain gave Me a vegetarian dinner, but Abel barbecued Me some nice fatty lamb chops. I scoffed the chops - after all, when thou hast Everlasting Life thou doest not need to worry about cholesterol - until Cain rose up in jealousy, and didst slay Abel. Then was I was able to give Cain a mighty walloping and send him to everlasting Time-Out. Even thus shalt thou control thine children and have peace for thineself.

6. Forget not also how I didst favour Jacob, a smooth cheat and a liar, over his honest but hairy brother Esau.

7. Remember also thou the Flood, or Mine water-playtime. I didst drown all the animals and naughty humans, and caused my dolly Noah to live on a small boat with lots of dangerous wild animals. And the stink of the hyeana shit and bloated drowned bodies did rise up unto heaven, and Noah did come to pass out from it. Lmao.

Here endeth the Second Lesson.

Homework assignment: Write an essay on God's Favouritism Through the Ages. Tomorrow shalt thou be arbitralily judged. And the winners shall inherit Everlasting Life in the Heavenly Choir singing Everlasting Praises to Me, and the losers shall be condemned to Eternal Hell. The judge's decision shall be final, and no questions will be entertained about which is most Hellish.

The Book of Bad Judgement[edit]

1. Right, how many of thee are left? So few of thee? Well, let Us get on with Lesson Three.

2. Thou shalt start being unreasonable early, that thy children may learn to have little trust in thee. Thou shalt put temptation in their way, even as I did My firstborns, Adam and Eve. Then shalt thou say, "Don't touch!". And it shall come to pass when thou turnest thy back, that they WILL touch. Then shall the boy child blame the girl child, and the girl child shalt make up a story about imaginary friends, saying, "Lo, it was not us, a talking snake made us do it." And thou shalt banish them to everlasting Time-Out, and go on peacefully with thy life. But forget not to send a plague or a flood every now and then to keep them in fear of thee.

3. Read the story of Job for more tips about being an unreasonable parent. Job was a good, obedient boy. But to test his devotion to ME I killed his children, his animals, and smote him with sore boils from head to foot, so that he sat in a corner scraping himself with a potsherd. Drove him mad, those boils did. Then blamed I my Imaginary Enemy, the Devil. Lol.

4. And if thine children turn out to be Gay, shalt thou rain fire and brimstone down upon their houses, even as I did on Soddoff and Gonorrhea. Thou rememberest that I Let only innocent Lot (or do I mean Lot only Let?) escape with his two virgin daughters. Mind thee, Lot then got drunk and impregnated his daughters, but better an incestuous sot than a sober sodomite.

Here endeth the Third Lesson. If thou learnest nothing else, remember to hate Gays and anyone who is different from thee.

Homework assignment: Test thy children's love for thee.
1. Take away thine children's toys, even their dolls, their toy cars, and their Playstation.
2. Kill thine children's pets. Leave not a puppy, a kitten or baby rabbit alive, and forget not the budgie.
3. Ask thine children whether they still love thee. If they sayest 'Yea, Father,' smite them with boils.
4. If thine children begin to hate thee, drown one or two as an example to the others.

The Book of Ruthless[edit]

1. Welcome back for Lesson Four. How didst thou get on with thine homework? I hope thou still hast some children left for the this important Lesson, which deals with the delicate subject of discipline and punishment.

2. The best way to keep thine children obedient is to punish them. None of this shilly-shallying, namby-pamby, nerdy respect-and-self-discipline rubbish! PULL THY FINGER OUT, MAN! Take no prisoners! If thy children so much as think of disobeying thee, build thou a huge fire, get a pitchfork to throw them in, and burn them alive....for eternity, or at least as slowly as thou canst.

3. Or if thou art lazy, simply start a rumour of Hellfire and Brimstone. Many of thine children will be eager to spread the news to their Brothers and Sisters, hoping for a Paradise © Cloud-and-Harp Set ®™' for themselves while their siblings are invited to the Everlasting Barbecue.

Here endeth the Fourth Lesson.

Homework assignment: Ruthlessness
Build a large bonfire in some convenient place. Get out thy garden fork, looking meaningfully at what children thou hast left. Make gestures to remind them of what happened to their baby rabbits. If they run, hurl thou rocks and stones at them.

The Book of Execution[edit]

Let Us hope yesterday's homework prepared thee for this last and most important lesson.

1. I know I said "Thou shalt do no murder", but I was kidding. Kid murder is fine.

2. Believe thou not ME? Then remember the Passover, when I smote all the firstborns of the land of Egypt, both man and beast. Must have been millions of the little devils, but I got the lot.

3. And remember how I instructed My servant Abraham to slaughter his beloved son Isaac as a sacrifice to ME? And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. But I sent the angel of the LORD to offer him a ram instead. Believe me, roast mutton tastes better than child. I love children, but I couldn't eat a whole one.

4. Also, remember Noah and his ark? I smiteth the entire planet. Suffered the little children and their namby pamby, suppressed homosexual parents. I also killed all but 2 of every animal, incase I forgot the blueprints.

5. And thou shalt never forget, because it is drummed into thee continuously, that I had My only son (who is, in fact, ME, or at least one of the Three of Me) executed. And this I did to save thee, miserable sinners, from the Hellfire to which I have consigned thee. After all, thou art full of Original Sin. As thou showed, when thou ate of the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil! SO! THOU ART SINFUL!! YE ARE ALL DAMNED!! I WAS JUST LULLING THEE INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY WITH THIS SO CALLED PARENTING GUIDE!!!! BUT WHO IS THE PARENT, EH, AND WHO IS THE CHILD???!!!! AND WHAT IS THE FINAL LESSON ABOUT PARENTING???

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