“Hark! How doeth thee dance so delicately upon mine nipple?”
Truffles (Fungus fuxuup) are the fruiting bodies of certain woodland fungi. Although they are considered edible, the flavour(USEng also flavor) of truffles has been described as resembling goat urine, rotten wood and putrid corpse.
The foul stench of the truffle is loved by pigs and dogs, both of which are used by truffle hunters to locate the subterranean growths. Because they are so horrible, nobody bothers to grow them, making them unusual and expensive. They are thus considered a "delicacy" by posers(USEng also people) with more money than taste.
The truffle has long been prized for supposed aphrodisiac properties. During the 18th century truffles were introduced on a grand scale to Parisien cuisine when their inclusion on the menus of Paris' most exclusive restaurants was secretly sponsored by a cartel of the cities brothels, in an effort to increase business.
The question of truffles' powers was tackled by a study conducted by researches from the universities of Exeter in the UK and Øflberg in Norway and Sydney's Royal School of Equiobstetric Medicine. The scientists discovered 2,5-dibromotestosteroephadrine, a compound unique in nature to the truffle, and identified it as the most likely source of the truffle's libidious properties.
During their eighteen year investigation, the team analysed the physiological and metabolic effects of 2,5-dibromotestosteroephadrine. It was found to be a highly potent phytosexual agent, acting strongly on both men and women. The metabolites of 2,5-dibromotestosteroephadrine were also found to significantly increase awareness, stamina and sexual arousal. Long term exposure was found to cause wide ranging side-effects known as trufflosis. The major symptoms of trufflosis include scleroderris canker, withered prostate syndrome, excessive growth of body hair and multiple incontinence. If these warning signs prove insufficient to curb the user's truffle habit, the prognosis is grave. The physical and mental degeneration progresses rapidly, leading, ultimately, to death by an aggressive form of lucidus butt rot.
Ingestion of raw trufflic material
While the link between heavy truffle consumption and trufflosis is undeniable, the rarity, high price and disgusting flavour(USEng also flavor) of the food amply discourage large scale missuse. As prof. Sir Heinous McSoddom, the government's Chief Medical Officer put it: "Personally I'd rather drink my pet cat's frothy green vomit than eat one of those things"
Despite producing no nicotine or carcinogenic tar, truffle smoking is regarded by medical professionals as bad. Powerful psychospazatory compounds contained in the smoke induce a condition of advanced psychotic dissociation, which renders the victim less and less able to distinguish fantasy from reality, leading to delusions and confusion. Sustained abuse eventually results in complete withdrawal from society as the cognitive breakdown renders the abuser completely incapable of normal social interactions.
Famous cases of truffle smoke induced psychosis include George Galloway, Julia Roberts, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Barrymore, Americans and the former pop star formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince.
When asked to comment on the abuse of truffles in celebrity culture, a renowned celebrity substance abuse expert attributed the socio-economic implications of the phenomenon as tantamount to an unseen indictment on the post-modern neo-idolatrous culture, stating: "Man, I tried that shit once. It's fucking lethal man, stay away from that shit man. Shit, it nearly offed me man. Stick to huffing kittens, that's what I say, man. Shit. Got any ciggies?" -Ozzy Osbourne
The summer of 1991 brought freak summer rains to the normally arid South Wales Valleys. By mid July the unseasonable precipitation had produced a bumper crop of summer truffles, which the locals were gleefully gathering, jokingly referred to as "the new coal" and "bread". What had begun as an innocent money making escapade was soon to end in tragedy. It was an Ely youth who found that once dried, truffles could be smoked, producing a delicate strawberry flavour(USEng also flavor) and powerful psycholytic perturbances. All of Ely was soon hooked on "bread" and quickly fell into a mass delirium, taking local government and law enforcement completely by surprise. Although collection, possession and consumption of truffles was, and remains, perfectly legal in the UK, the authorities felt a need to act and called in the help of the RAF. During a two week operation the whole Vale of Glamorgan was sprayed by air with a toxic cocktail containing 10% Amillatox and 0.015% Marmite, but it was too late, the residents of Ely had already gathered sufficient truffle to last an estimated thirty years. At 5am on the morning of the 27th of July, 1991, the police, worried they must not be seen as impotent, began a series of dawn raids. 249 homes were raided in all, with over eighty tonnes of truffle seized. At 2:13pm the same afternoon,a group of local youths approached two unarmed officers on Cowbridge Road West, to politely enquire as to the legality of raiding their homes for something it was legal to have. A disagreement ensued and the "Ely Bread Riot" began. The rioting raged for two days, receiving national and international media coverage. The media attention fuelled the unrest - it was the first time Ely had appeared "on the telly" and everyone wanted to be involved.
In spite of overwhelming expert advice the Prime Minister, Gordon Brownisthecolourofshit, has unveiled plans to push through emergency legislation classifying truffle as a "Class A" drug and banning the cultivation, possession, distribution, and consumption of truffle and truffle related material. Under the legislation, entitled The Popular Immigration Reduction and Child Protection Bill anyone, knowingly or otherwise, found in possession of truffle will face a minimum of 28 years imprisonment, removal of at least two fingers, and placement on the sex offenders register. Under the bill's anti-terrorism provisions, suspects may be held for a maximum period of four years before charges are brought or legal council permitted.
Medical experts are puzzled by the proposal, pointing to the fact that due to the scarcity and high price of truffles, chronic abuse is extremely uncommon. "There have only been three cases of trufflosis in UK since the war," said the director of the NHS, "..and one of those is John Prescott, couldn't the PM just ask him to ease up on his consumption?" Political analysts suspect that the move may be an attempt by the Prime Minister to criminalise John Prescott.
"ee's only doin it cos ee knows I eats em. If I see that twat in ' street, I'll flippin' punch 'is face in" - John Prescott
The boar war
Archduke Franz Ferdinand came upon a Dutch settler who had been poaching truffles in woodland on the Archduke's extensive estate in South Africa's Transvaal region. When challenged, the scallywag unleashed the boar which he had been using to locate his malodorous quarry, and set it upon the Archduke. During the attack, the Archduke suffered "grievously gored testicles" when the boar attempted to eat his genitals, mistaking their aroma for that of a truffle. Once well enough to walk again, the angered aristocrat set about locating his assailant. The search lead to the door of a Neiaal Van Roodhoek, who, upon seeing the Archduke, kicked him in the remains of his previously gored gonads. The two men became embroiled in a fist fight. In the absence of an effective police service, the discord rapidly spread through the local community, then on to neighbouring villages and eventually resulted in the most vicious and brutal conflict the world has ever seen. The Boar War.
The French revolution
Joan of Arc was a hot bit of French totty but unfortunately, rather than cooking and making babies like a good girl, the young Miss Arc got all political. Revolting French peasants were sick of being sent into the woods to pick stinky truffles for the toffs, and the wee strumpet became the figurehead for their struggle. Once, when asked whatever would the knobs do without their evil tasting fungus fix, Joan of Arc famously replied: "Let them eat steak." The knobs were under increasing pressure from the revolting throng and something had to be done. An unusually bright knob hatched a fiendish plan and shouted "she's a witch, burn her." The revolting mob quickly obliged.
Other famous quotations made by Joan of Arc include:
- How can doing this cure my indigestion?
- Vous avez rendu mon mal de bas.
- Jésus! Vous n'êtes pas mettre qu'à l'intérieur de mon chat.
- Vous estiment que six pouces?
- Ils simplement ne permet pas aussi loin.
- Vous avez causé à devenir humide et collante.
- S’il vous plaît mettre ce truc loin maintenant vicaire.
- Je n'ai jamais vu un vert saucisse avant.
- Si vous continuer à faire que de vous les briser leur décollage.
- Est-ce moi, ou est-il de devenir plutôt chaud ici?
Dried truffles are thought to be involved in a most ancient and secret Papal rite. Little is known of the detail of the ceremony, except that while the rite is being performed, white strawberry scented smoke can be seen to billow from the Vatican chimney. All the assembled cardinals must kneel before the pseudo-deity and each of them in turn is forced to kiss his ring.
- Dr Zhivago et al., Nature's Wicked New Viagra, Lance It Publications, 2004-07-31.
- John Prescott, Memoirs of the Fat Ugly One, JP Publications Ltd., 2004-07-31.